I hate it that for some reason certain aspects of research are a complete secret. I also hate it when supervisors take on students that they don't really seem to have time for. As I have found with all schools that I have gone to, they are either involved in their own research, teaching or side jobs. Today at 10:40 at night I finally got a job well done from my supervisor.. not that I really need it, I'm not a puppy that must have its head pat when its done something well... but not getting support is harsh. Everyone needs to know once in a while that they've done something well.. that they are on the right track. I talked about this with my therapist today and instead of making me feel better, I just got angry and bitter.. that's not the kind of person I am.. nor is it the kind of person I want to be. Other people are shrewd in how they deal with situations. But I am not as demanding or lewd/vulgar or tell people exactly how I feel about them because I have some respect. I especially have respect for those who are teaching me, and for those who have high clout because of what they have accomplished. I think we should all have respect for those around us but what is so wrong with those people who I respect, to give an once of it back? In the past couple weeks I feel like I haven't been able to understand anything. and it makes me confused and angry because I didn't used to be like that. I didn't used to be like that at all.. and now? I am not the same person I was 3 months ago. Three months ago I could be given a method and I could go into the laboratory and repeat that method without cause, justification or clarifications. Three months ago it seems that I was a totally different person. I wasn't upset all the time.. I didn't feel like all I was doing was trying to keep myself from going completely mad or just trying to keep my feelings in. I've been quiet. my friends have noticed even though I try to mask it all that I can. and that hurts... I'm not in touch with people like I used to be. and I'm finding it difficult to care sometimes. I'm also finding it difficult to see that I am really worth a PhD and that someone somewhere will see the potential in me. So what that I'm not from the European Union.. give me a f***ing chance.. However, in the past couple weeks i have had huge doubts about the fact if I can even pull it off? I am starting to think that a PhD is something that I have told myself that I want but right now I am having a hard time even seeing if I can do it. If I am having this many issues with my research as of late... then how am I supposed to do research for 4 years and get a degree off of it? I feel like because I have been questioning my research that people have lost the ability to see the potential in me. I am always one to do what I am told, needed, asked, bothered to do.. Always.. usually without quarrel or justifications. But that has led to letting people walk all over me... I feel like I am treated differently because I am nice and I respect people. but yet it seems like all others see is someone who is willing to take on more and more. I am not asking for an easy project... I certainly am not.. I am asking for help... Help in understand what it is that I am doing... It seems that lately no matter how much I try to read material about my methods I am just not understanding.. some of the methods I have done before and those seem to be no big deal. not at all.. but I'm starting to feel like the old saying of you can't teach an old dog new tricks... I'm not old but my brain is tired.. extremely.. I'm so tired of all the emotions that I have to go through all the time.. I'm tired of always feeling like my eyes are going to start leaking at any chance that I feel like someone is attacking me.. last week I had an issue with this.. however I was also a bit ill so I'm thinking that may have something to do with it. but I have so much on my plate.. so much.. and not very many people understand.. I'm not looking for a hand out... but just some sort of "its ok" or some sort of encouragement.. I hate this person that I have become.. always needing to seek encouragement to keep going on. I didn't use to be that kind of person.. I was always stronger than people gave me credit for and perhaps I still am stronger than people think. but I hate feeling like I am constantly falling apart, and everyone else has to try to sew me back together. This is not who I am.. nor is it who I want to be. I am constantly judged by everyone. and it breaks my heart that I am constantly judged on every action by one person in my family I have always been the most fondest of.. she will probably read this and just be done with it... if she does read it.. but I kinda need my big sister. just as I have when I was growing up. I just need everyone, to have a little faith in me. I'm over here by myself trying to make things work. I know some people who have jealousies that I am here. and I am following my dreams. but surely that shouldn't stop them from supporting others? This all leads back to respect.. I try to give everyone I can every respect in the world (with the exception of creepers and people who have disrespected me). what is so wrong with giving a little back? I have been jealous many a time of other people but I still supported them.

With my research I love what I do.. I love working in the laboratory and I really really like what my topic is about because its so here and now and as some people say "topical". I am really appreciative of the topic and it is extremely cool that no one else is doing what I am doing.. and I am reminded of that everyday by many people. but it gets to be a bit much to where instead of working with my research and being excited about it... it because a weight on my shoulders to not screw it up or not to forget my place in this whole scheme.. all I can say now is that I am trying. I am trying to be better... trying to do better.. trying to get things done on time.. but there is only so much I can do when I also have to rely on other people to get things done. to get things finished.. or to get things ordered. Some people say that I need to get selfish and only look out for number one.. But I can't.. because I have to rely on so many other people to make this work. if we were all self sufficient we would be able to do everything we needed to do.. by our selves.. run our own plastic molding company when we needed hose or fix our roads, our cars, etc. its freaking impossible. and people need to start realizing that to get anything done we have to work together and rely on each other.. I sound like a freaking public service announcement right now. but its true.. I have a lot more to say but I'm afraid it will have to wait... because I sound like a primary school teacher punishing the kids for not playing together nicely.