So... Its been five months since I last wrote.. many changes have occured.. For one I finished my masters project.. ALIVE.. though I'm not quite sure how the hell I pulled that one off.. I have also burned bridges.. some on accident and some on purpose, although I don't see myself wanting to cross them ever again any time soon.. I have also gotten a job! YAY ME!! I am one of two (but slightly more important) front of house supervisors at Giraffe in Aberdeen! LOVE my job.. absolutely love it. I needed some time off of science however I am finding that I am craving to delve back into a research project already. I would love to do more on my project about Ejyafjallajokull but I'm not sure if I see that happening. I screwed myself over.. I didn't understand a lot of things and instead of taking a breath and looking at it from a different perspective, I just tried to muddle through and got upset and hurt in the process. My final thesis was only about 20 pages long which I expected it to be longer. I also would have liked to add more experimentation into my project but the good thing is that in the long run I ended up with a 16 on my thesis which is a score in the commendation range. And I will be graduating on Thanksgiving with a Masters of Science in Soil Science with Commendation. YAY! oh and Macaroni pies are still freaking delicious.

I am better. I feel better anyway than how I felt in June.. I've had a lot of therapy to help get me over what happened in April and help me move on. But in the end the only thing that could help me move on was me. I still think about everything that happened once in a while but I try not to dwell on it.. coming down to it, It was the fact that I felt trapped and an a criminal and helpless that lead to my complete mental break down. Mom sent me a little present during the whole fiasco that was a locket. its a beautiful locket but on the underside there was an inscription saying "We are living art, created to hang on, stand up, forbear, continue and encourage others." and its right.. we all have our problems and our downfalls but I've got to keep calm and b***** on.

Speaking of b*****ing on.. I live in Dyce now. I live with the lovely Laura and her dog child Sammy and our charity case Rob (who lives in the laundry room). I love living here as its a great area and close to the train so I can get to work easy. I also really love my job.. its so different from anything that I've really done before. I get a great work out from running around the restaurant like a chicken with my head cut off every day at work. I also have of course, my adoring fans and faithful minions (ha ha just kidding.. I meant staff). I also have two great bosses and fun overlord bosses as well.. As far as I can tell I am well liked and thats what matters. I can't please everyone and that is apparent but at least I can please most people. And who doesn't want to work at a place called giraffe! Effing perfect! I really have however, been trying to keep work and other things separate but some things just wont tear away from each other.. I have decided to get a new visa. Which I kinda new I was going to do anyway because I still want to find a PhD in this country (can't do that on an expired visa!) but as of lately, I think stress (work,home and visa preps), being ill and the realization that I wont be able to go home for Christmas again has got me thinking if getting a new visa is even worth it.. I am spending a ton of money on it, and there is a possibility that I may have to move again. I'm just trying to figure out living over here with bills from the UK and my bills from home.. However I've decided that I need to be a little more optimistic about it considering I need to deal with that when it comes along instead of always trying to plan EVERYTHING like 8 years in advance. Like good ol' winston said " a pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist see's the opportunity in every difficulty". I was thinking about this on the train today on my way to work.. and I have found that I am doing this quite a lot lately. I just kinda see all the obstacles in my way instead of everything that I will enjoy and the experience I will get out of it.. Also... I've just been so negative about a lot of things lately and especially when it comes to my visa.. I'm so worried I wont get it and then I am worried about if I do get it how am I going to function here. and I was thinking earlier today that I may just as well as to go home.. just go back to the states and not deal with it anymore and just be done with it.. my year living in a foreign country is over big whoop go home and go back to science. I was thinking all of this whilst in a long train tunnel and you know that stupid saying that there is a light at the end of the tunnel? well.. when we came out of the tunnel and I was looking at Aberdeen city.. It gave me a fresh blip of how I feel about this city and this country.. Its so beautiful and the architecture is amazing.. so amazing in fact that it can make you forget about being a pessimist and wallowing in your own sorrows long enough to see whats really important.. the fact that I am living here. I am living in scotland with out the help of anyone. I made this decision on my own which is probably the first major decision I have ever made for myself as an adult. I didn't need to get permission from those around me for me to feel validated to do this.. I left behind my very best friend which hurts me even still. but it surprises me what I am able to do when I put my mind to it.. my entire life I have always felt that I needed permission to do something for myself or that I needed to justify or validate the reasons.. but this was my first decision that I had made on my own. no help.. encouragement from others after I had made the decision yes, but no help in me deciding to come to this country.

speaking of this country.. its so beautiful and there is beauty every where I go. I know many from around here wouldn't agree with it but thats like me saying Port Orchard is just Port Orchard.. nothing special about it really... but even when just the architecture of a completely derelict building can just melt away any feelings, its not just a place.. its history its the wonderment of what things were and what shall be. and eventually I will look as derelict as that building, and like that building I will have stories to tell.. hopefully aswell I will be able to create the same effect that it has on me.. this place is amazing.. it just need to remember that and remember that I am doing something that not many people and no one else in my family has gotten to do. I bloody live in Scotland..