How do you stop the sun from shining?

I slept long and hard last night. Make-up sleep from the previous night. I was exhausted physically and mentally. Emotionally I was wrecked.

I had such happy dreams last night. They went on for hours it seemed. Super happy dreams...

...of Ashley.

Amazing dreams, before the bad evil reality. Those amazing times of being together, and happy, and loved, and everything was just perfect in the world. Happy dreams of laughing, and playing, and going places. Just being together, where-ever. it never mattered where. You were just happy being by her side, and knowing she was happy there too.

I actually woke up feeling rather blissfull. I told you my mind has become mush, and nothing makes sense to me anymore. it honestly took a few minutes for me to realize that I was waking up in silent hill again. There was no happy. There was no being loved. There was just pain.

i wrote a song a few years ago called "storms coming." It's about the tragedy that befalls two people who were once in love. How things that were once so familiar had become untouchable. How just even the slightest touch of your hand on someone felt connected and real and whole like you really were just one soul had now become strange, and cold, and wrong, and evil. It makes me stop and think. How does that happen? How does one go from being so very close to someone, and then all of a sudden, be so distant? Stranger then a stanger.

I rode South today leaving the fires of Albuquerque behind. It was hard. REALLY hard. This was a city that I had grown to love, known nothing of 2 years ago, and then called it home. I didnt want to leave. In all honesty, I want to go back. I want to beg and plead for the life I used to know there. it was a happy, wonderful life. What went wrong?

There are probably at least a half a dozen places she and I swore we would go to together in the land of enchantment. Carlsbad caverns, the white sands, the lightning fields, the very large array. I picked one, and rode. I rode South to the very large array. I rode in a horrible mood. Sad, and confused, and still not understanding why Im put here to go thru this. I got to the VLA, and sadly was not as cool as I had hoped. the closest place to take a picture is not very close at all. I will upload one from the internet, or just google (very large array) its pretty cool. So I stopped, and took out my camera, snapped 2 pictures, and felt sad. I was supposed to share this with her. We were supposed to go together. I wanted to call her and tell her i was here. here without her. Wrongly here without her. I took out my iphone, and...

...no signal.

One of you wished that on me. Possibly for the better. what can I say? I am a glutten for punishment sometimes. I know I was getting better. I know I was doing good, but nooooo, not here. Not back in New Mex. Not back in the old home. Not back where I used to feel love. I feel like I was just dumped last night, not 3 months ago.

Sigh

is it wrong to want this all back? is it wrong to call her up and hope for the best? I know it's just my heart pleading for mercy. What's left of my brain says otherwise. It says you're stupid. You got dumped a******. Move on! I swear my brain and my heart are at war with one another, and me left in the middle to watch the bloody fight.

I left the VLA. It was hot in New Mex. REALLY hot. I swear it was from all of those burning fires. My skin burned. I put on sunblock, yet still burn. Then it got overcast. I got rained on. I only laughed. It was just a sprinkle really. three different ones in the next few hours. Nothing bad. Then it got windy for the rest of the ride into Arizona. I almost felt like I was back in New Zealand. The country where you could get all 4 seasons in one day.

Sadly, todays ride sucked. I sang sappy s*** songs in my head all day. I felt depressed and alone and vulnerable. I hated this ride. I hate being here. I hate looking at my phone for a message from my Ex. There won't be one. But I look anyhow.

I sadly have not been writing in my travel journal. its a beautiful leather bound book that was given to me for no reason then out of love from, you guessed it...the Ex.

I had started my journal on just an average spiral notebook. A cheapo .99 book from walgreens. But she gave me this book. this horrible book, that i copied all of my journal notes into months ago, before the breakup. never knowing there would BE a breakup. I'm not even sure I can write in this book. It has her germs all over it. (for lack of a better word)

I am now in Payson, Arizona. About 90 miles NE of Phoenix. I should be in California tomorrow. Not sure if I will make it to the coast. Doubting I will.

I'm sorry for these crappy blogs dear readers, but I warned some of you, that the first few were gonna be hard.

I rode 380 miles today. All of it a blur. all of it singing Al Green's "How can you mend a broken heart?"

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again