Things are harder then they need to be

If life was always good, would we know that it was good? Would we wonder why life wasnt getting progressively better? In other words, the bad things help us to appreciate the good things. We all get that, we all go through it.

I dreamt of snakes last night, lots of snakes. One snake even jumped up into the back of my shirt. Poisonous I believe it was. meaning?

Snakes are often seen as symbols of life, death and rebirth.

Odd...

So, I slept like s*** last night, I knew I would. I watched zombieland for the umpteenth time and lied awake, eyeballs burning. The only sleep being the dreams of snakes. I was avoiding the snakes in my dreams, maybe I am avoiding this life, death and rebirth of my life.

Tyler drove me to the airport this morning, and I must say my flights and whole airport/airplane day went rather smoothly. That is until we started to descend into new Mexico. This is where I started growing a lump in my throat and feeling ever sicker to my stomach. The kind of feeling where you just wanted to turn the airplane around and go back to your safe zone, with your friends and family and things.

I landed and was getting picked up by my Ex's parents. let me tell you that these 2 people are by FAR THE best parents of any girl that I've ever dated. Beyond that even, they are just the 2 nicest people anyone could hope to meet. I love them both dearly. Losing them is extremely hard.

They picked me up at the airport around 3PM and drove me to their house where all my crap was still waiting for me. It was good and yet really hard to see them. Almost like nothing had ever happened. Like we were going home again. But we werent going home. My home there was no longer, and now just an empty shell of a place I used to know, a chapter in my life that I now want to keep reading over & over & over.

This is the first time that I have ever had to go back behind enemy lines, and let me tell you. IT SUX!!!

It beyond sux, if you really want to know the truth. Sure, its only been 3 months since the breakup of the year, but in those 3 months, I thought I was mending, and healing, and letting time do its inevitable thing. I thought I was getting better, didnt you? Sure, I had my moments ot slight relapses, who doesnt? But on the whole, was doing quite well.

Coming back to New Mex brought EVERYTHING back. the feelings, the bad BAD feelings. The gut wrenching/heart breaking feelings I had only 3 months ago when my world came crashing down (YES, Im being super overdramatic...sorry) Every street corner, every traffic light, would she be there? In the car pulling up next to me? Every resteraunt we ever dined at, all became a silent hill to me. (if you dont know of silent hill, then this reference is completely lost on you) It was as if watching all of these once beautiful places just materialize into some kind of hellish figure. All of the resteraunts once shiny and colorful, were now all black and chipped paint, charred even. All of the patrons inside were now all gross and disfigured. Store after store that we had gone to, resteraunts to diners to fast food joints. All my own personal silent hill. People in cars passing by had all become demons, and monsters. Ghosts would flutter up the mountain-sides moaning with the wind for me to go away.

This was my hell on earth

Safe inside the pathfinder with the Ex parents, which seemed to shield me from all of the gruesome sights I was witnessing. I wanted out. I don't want to be here. This was a bad idea. I dont want my bike, my gear. I just want to go home..

sigh

We got to the house, and as the garage door opened. it sent shivers up my spine. I found it hard to exit the pathfinder. I found it hard to breath. I found it impossible to move.

So I took a few deep breaths, then a few more.

I laid my bag onto the driveway and made a bee line to my motorbike. Dirty. cob-webbed, and sad. She was like a puppy I had left behind. She didnt smile at me. She was'nt happy to see me. She looked at me as if to say. "How? How could you have left me here?"

I put the key into the ignition....

headlights are bright, that's a good sign. gave her a crank... nothing

gave her another....and another... Still no start.

She sounded sick, and hurt. She was crying and letting me know how she felt. I touched her gas tank and rubbed it a little. I too felt her pain. I left her here, but due to circumstances beyond my control. I was helpless then.

She let out one last sigh, and then silent hill took her. She turned black, and burned, and scarred, and all of her beauty and shine disappeared and was replaced by fire and smoke.

sigh

I went inside to find my charger. Found it! Meanwhile, Charlie (the dad) was by my side and went to go get an extension cord to help me.

I looked up at Sam ( the mom) and she looked at me with love in her eyes. It would be quite possiby her last look of love towards me, and all of a sudden, the darkness faded away for a moment, and I rubbed the gas tank again. " I didnt forget you." I said as I cranked the engine one last time."I love you."

"VaaRooooooooooooooooooooM!!!" She replied. I hugged my bike. Yes, hugged it. Charlie turned around happy and astonished a little, and Sam said, " I knew it would start."

I packed up the remains of my life there. Somehow I thought I had more. I know I'm missing a few tee shirts, a pair of boots, my orange northface fleece. Damn, I loved all of those things. They're all gone now, and I guess things CAN be gone. Things can be replaced. People however cannot. They never will.

So, I packed the bike. I sat with Sam and Charlie for a bit. We talked about their family, my family, and just...things. It really took me back. I wanted to go back into that house and sit down with them for dinner, like we did hundreds of times before. I wanted to play with Lilly and be silly. I wanted to kiss my girlfriend as she walked through the door. Then came that house with its biting giant teeth and evil red eyes. Fire...and smoke...

This place is no longer for you. Leave.

So, it was time to go. It hurt to be in New Mexico. It hurt to be around this house. It hurt to be around Sam and Charlie. It hurt to see chalk marks on the patio from Lilly. It was definitely time to go.

I hugged Charlie first. He actually always hugged me. He's a great man, and I'm so glad I got to meet him. He always laughed and showed me an appreciation, and love and respect that I've never gotten from a girlfriend's dad before. I would fly around the world to help this man.

Next came Sam. She hugged me tight. I'll.... I'll never forget that hug. It was the kind of hug you get before you go into battle when they knew they might just not ever see you again.

They won't...

After our hugs, they walked me to the door. I could'nt speak. I was already holding back tears. I was about to joke to them that I was choked up, but stopped myself as that alone almot turned me into a blubbering crybaby.

I loved these people. I don't want to say goodbye.

I looked at them outside the front door, tears welling up, and said ..."well...goodbye?"

they both claimed that they would see me again. They seemed hopefull. I however do not share that. I wish I did, I truly wish I did. They told me in the most sincere and honest way. "Please be safe."

I will mental polaroid this moment forever...even if it hurts.

I rode off feeling hurt and sad, and trying not to cry. Was the worst behind me?

I had to drive past all of the silent hill resteraunts again. All of the stores and diners on fire. Flames burning throughout Albuquerque. Truely hell on earth. Every beige pickup truck was indeed driven by the devil himself. Perhaps HERSELF. This is the truck of my Ex. and the truck I wish not to see. This used to be such a happy place. A place I used to love to be, with people I loved being with.

Im now in my motel room. Its apropreitly across the street from the diner Ashley and I used to go. Fitting? I peek out my motel window and it's still staring at me with it's red eyes, and knashing teeth. It wants to hurt me, it knows it can.

So, I'll just cower here until morning.

maybe tomorrow won't be so bad