"HOME" IS WHERE THE HEART IS AT THAT MOMENT....

After the third operation, my mom finally was able to get some vision back in her eye. It was a very difficult Thanksgiving. The idea was to do it together, but mom was not able to help, she got pretty sick after the third operation. In my mind...the idea of having Thanksgiving and 20 people at the house seemed utterly ridiculous after everything that had happened...but, she wanted it. I drove to a farm to pick up our turkey whose name was Richard, he was 22 pounds. I took my mom to Wegmans, where we shopped. Having my blind mother, next to me, hanging on a shopping cart, weaving through endless holiday shoppers was yet another obstacle I was unprepared for. I had a very rough time over those weeks. I was very torn leaving, something I would have never told my mom or dad at the time. Stress levels were soaring, I felt guilty, and I couldn't imagine my mom not being able to see my face before leaving to the other side of the world for a year...I cooked the Thanksgiving holiday meal, something I have never done and always left to my mother. It was the quiet moments alone in the kitchen when I was totally screwing up the recipes and using a spoon instead of a measuring cup, that I was able to laugh and smile at my "non-domestic" abilities. It was the times Mirko called from Italy to check in on me, that I was able to smile, relax, and breath....Laugh about the craziness. It was moments walking Dolce, that my neighbor offered advice, support and hugs....that calmed me down and kept me going forward...The family arrived and spent 2 hours at our house, after all of that preparation.

This is not how a family should behave. i looked at my mothers face, and the disappointment, and I realized....Every time we have an expectation from someone or something...we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. I can only hope that the lesson we all have truly learned from all this is, its not really where you are...but who you are with. Family doesn't have to be relatives. Family can be friends, family can be those people who support you on a regular basis, these are the people you go the extra mile for....not the ones, that are never there...we played trivial pursuit when they left. Of course my Dad won, and quickly...but truly...Just the three of us sitting around the kitchen table after the family left....was my Thanksgiving. I was thankful for the 3 of us being able to be together, and seeing my mom smile for the first time that evening...

We got to the airport on December 6th, as soon as I hit the airport the wonderful tingly sensation of being on the road kicked in...Saying goodbye was hard, especially knowing the surgeries my mom is in for coming up soon. Through all our silly fights, and arguments...what makes my mom a great mom, is that somewhere inside her, she is very strong. Without realizing it, she fights when she wants to, she never once told me not to go back to Oz...She never once made me feel guilty about leaving, even through all her pain. We have had many years of perpetual heartache, and I must say the respect and love I have for her, allowing me to be the kid this time was more appreciated then anything else she has ever done for me. Being a mom, she does realize...I need this time...It is my time to keep dreaming courageously to will what I want.

D.C to L.A to FIJI to SYDNEY.....2 days. When I landed in Sydney I had more energy then I have in months. I went right to a friends place, set up, and went right to the junction to set myself up...Inside the bank I realized...possibly slowing down was a good idea...plenty of time to get organized. I ended up meeting a friend and going right to the beach. Australia is just one of those places in the world where I feel anything goes...including jumping in the ocean in your undies, not wearing shoes, and carting around lots of beer and surf boards. Its one big party, the sun seems to always shine, always something very exciting or relaxing to engage yourself in....its a place where I just feel free....una preghiera per la liberta'...I got to go canoeing with my friend Tony to a really amazing spot. I have never seen anything quite like this before. We canoed through mangroves, went to a few beaches, swam, bush walked to a cave, spent the entire day on the water. It was really relaxing and an experience I will not forget...

Somehow...in the short time I was in Sydney, I was able to meet really amazing people. Tonight is the first night I decided to just stay in and not move since I got here.

In less then a week, I have a new bank account, a job on the horizon, and a new flat right on the beach...

When I landed on tuesday I got word that my ex, the yogi, who I spoke about in the last blog was engaged...utter shock, considering he knew the woman less then 3 months...however, like I have told all those that have questioned me about it... I feel sad for him. There are always going to be matters in life that are out of our control. I cannot control that he lied to me for months, or that he was not who he said he was....what I can do...is not bring that relationship back to life every time I hear his name. I have chosen to let go of that story, forgiving once and for all. There's no "relationship" insurance, the truth is that love sometimes ends, but we need to be open to it anyway. If we tell ourselves that we can micromanage our lives and avoid all sorrow or misfortune, we will get stuck only building that wall around us...and miss the best things in life that are directly under our noses...

Through some of the trying times this past few months I have accepted who I am, I try and laugh about my foibles...writing my new script I have nothing to lose by allowing others to see the real me. Being on the water all day yesterday I realized...the river that runs through me is a bit polluted. I have had to be honest about my own failings, character flaws-setting aside my shame, embarrassment and defensiveness..liberating myself from labels such as "victim"...this is my great "beginning" to cleaning up my river... and continuing to write this new script I keep preaching about.

In my new script, May, will be my next travel month. The plan includes The Great Wall of China Half Marathon, an adventure Half, including 2500 steps. I have started training for it, and I have discovered it will be quite a symbolic climb...leading me on a direct flight to Florence, Italy...my sunflowers and the ever so sacred meeting spot, Santa Croce....