IT ALWAYS HAPPENS WHEN YOU ARE NOT LOOKING AT ALL:

Halfway point of second week of school. We have switched instructors for this week...so I have Claire observing me, last week it was Tony. Each day things get more and more intense and the assignments are piling up. One thing building off the next. In our lesson plans we are suppossed to take our feedback and incorporate the ideas into our extensive plans, in the hopes to make us better communicators. There are not enough hours in the day to analyze everything...I am always interested in the feedback portion of the day, because having someone critique you can be very insightful, but also nerve racking...

I am a very intense person, I have known this about myself, I associate this with passion. Tony one of the instructors is very laid back, but also firm. I really enjoyed working with him the first week and will work with him again the last week. Claire is a bit intense, so putting our two personalities together, in my mind has been a bit of a struggle, but today I realized I will learn a lot from her. During feedback today she told me I'm a bit of a control freak...at first I got very defensive, and was thinking to myself..."you b****"...I completly ignored that the rest of the feedback was awesome, and Im achieving goals and really getting through to the students, while learning a lot at the same time. Ive never been able to take any type of criticsm, ever. And now I'm paying these people to watch my every move to tell me if I'm gonna succeed in this...and she called me a control freak...I was festering, and I felt my face getting hot, and then I did my usual...went into shut down mode...I left school right away, and decided a run was in order.

While I was on the treadmill being a total psycho, festering away, knit picking at every little thing I had done, wondering control freak, control freak...I realized...and said aloud....YES! I AM A CONTROL FREAK!!!! HAHA! my god I am a total control freak, now realizing the context she put it in was not the same that I was thinking, she feels they are not children they are adults and I need to refine my speech, regardless of the behavior, to speak to them like adults, at times I've said to them "pens down"...this is a signal to look at me, while I still feel this is a harmless statement and a teachers preference...for the next 2 weeks while she is observing me, I will not get the students attention this way...no big deal.

However, back to me being a control freak, yes...for years I have tried to control every little facet of my life, including when or if I was gonna recieve stability. It was a cold winter morning in Ny one day when I realized...noone will ever give me stability, I have to get it on my own, not expect it from others....So for years i have been going around controlling my feelings, controlling relationships, my career....here i am on the otherside of the world, and this woman who has known me for a week without realizing it has pretty much summed me up...

So while I cant be a control freak in the classroom with her, I have decided to make a sincere effort to not be a control freak in general, and just allow things to happen when they are supposed to happen. this is difficult, but it can be done.

Imbetween my school work, I have been running often, it helps to clear my mind. I have been persuaded to do the half marathon, the same day as the sydney marathon. This weekend was my test, and I passed, completing 8 miles, without fatigue, I'll be able to get to 13.2, and have some fun with it;)

After my run and epiphany that i'm a control freak, i came back to lilly's to zone out and eat food. She was busy on the computer (that she doesn't let me use) so i was able to turn on the tv, sit in my sports bra, and running shorts, and not speak...it was all going so well until...the doorbell rang. I was so zoned out, I didn't realize who even walked in the door, and Lilly didn't bother introducing, I figured it was one of her old friends, so I didn't even look up from the television, until I heard a deep male voice, "hi, I'm steve."....and when I looked up and saw him...a very good looking young man, uh... it occured to me what I looked like...I was able to muster out...hi, once I swallowed the huge gulp of food I had in my mouth...I ignored this interaction, as he went with lilly into the computer room, which is where Im staying...so it was pointless even going in to get a shirt...I over heard him helping Lilly use skype and she seemed to be talking to someone he knew, I assumed it was his mother...I came into the room to grab some folders, when whoever was on the screen saw me through the camera, and asked "who is that beautiful girl in your apt Lilly?"...Lilly answered...."she is a modified version of a jewish american princess"....While part of me felt like vomiting, maybe even slapping her (but shes too old), I just walked out of the room in disgust, and Steve followed me. "Wow, shes a b****" he said...HAHAHA! Yes...she is...."So, I don't understand why she called you a modified version of a jap, and why are you even living here?"...I answered the best I could to tell Steve, Lilly had her own opinions, and they were simply hers, I was here because its free.....While he was talking I noticed I was totally checking him out....and caught myself flirting which I haven't done in quite some time either... While being on the road I didn't find one person I was even attracted too, and I'd be lying if I said Ive been getting a little worried about myself...only because I haven't even noticed people around me...I felt my mind spinning out, thinking, I just need to get back to work, have to finish this program, no interferences, no dramas, and while I was thinking all of this Steve asked if he could take me out Sat night to show me a proper evening in Sydney, not as a backpacker...I quickly thought of a million reasons why I shouldn't go, I have to get work done, I have no clothes, I'm not ready, blah blah blah...and then I told myself SHUT UP, a few hours is nothing to make new friends, he is the first jewish person I have met in sydney, and he probably has other cool friends, and I need to LIVE and stop hybernating, and making s*** up in my head..."control freak"...so I said yes....sat sounds great.;)

I did find out that woman on the screen was his aunt, not his mum. He has a career in Computers and fixes them, reminds me a bit of my Dad on the intelligence level...and he's not a huge fan of Lilly and her bulls***, (this makes him brilliant) but he comes over to help out cause he's a good jewish boy...

It will be interesting to see another new side of Sydney....