iF I QUIT MY JOB, I'D SURF EVERYDAY....

The first week of school is complete, 3 weeks left, and my brain is on complete overdrive. I find myself in class focusing on the task at hand, fretting about how disorganized i am, and then after my tasks are complete....analyzing the hell out of them for perfection, which i'm finding difficult to attain. We go over things in class that seem to relate to my life at the moment and at times I catch myself drifting off to a world of questions....that only I have the answers too.

The sydney marathon is on september 20th, and while I will NOT be participating...it has brought me back to think about where I was last year at this time...3 stress fractures and an internally rotated hip, 5000 of medical debt and still running my heart out, training, and determined to cross the NY finish line...

Now, one year later, i'm healthy. Running in Centannial park for fun and feeling refreshed, using my running as meditation again, not something to hurt myself. It has brought up feelings of thinking of NY and what life was like. Recently I was asked the question "do you think things would be different now if you went back to NY?" my answer at this point was no. Maybe its fear, but after this week in Sydney I noticed something very profound...."its" not here....who is "it"?...

IT is that feeling, the feeling of exhaustion, the feeling I can't take another step, the feeling that my stomach is in a million knots and I can't breath. Depression is IT. While always being very independant, I never really let the people that I love the most know everything....I have always explained when I felt I was ready, and that usually isn't when it is happening. I know the people who were clostest to me last year knew I wasn't happy, but I don't think they knew that I cried myself to sleep literally every night, and used my poor dog Dolce as a spooning tool to sleep with and comfort me. I woke up every morning and went to the park, because Dolce had to go and be walked. I remember sitting on my bed, saying next year at this time, I don't care how I do it, but I wont be here, things will be different, I can't live like this anymore. With my career floundering, emotionally abusive relationships, and living in a dirt hole...It was very difficult to see the light everyday, and I felt completely alone, regardless of who may have been around....With the ultimate breakdown on 75th and lexington avenue, I cried for an hour to my grandfather about how I needed to get out, not run away, get out. I wanted to go to Australia just for a holiday to clear my head. Why Australia he asked? I dont know....maybe at the time I thought it was the farthest place away I could think of...maybe it was the allure of the culture, and all the outdoor activities, maybe it was the stories I had heard from others....but he said no, he couldn't help me...and i'm so glad at that moment he didn't, cause it wasn't the right time...but now finally is.

A year later I am here. When the plane almost touched the ground a month ago, and I looked out the window....I felt like I could breath again.. The "IT" has disappeared, and when IT starts to do its creeping...it is not as intense, and now i'm able to control it, something I may have never been able to do if I hadn't picked up and changed things in my life and emptied out the trash. I have seen a side of Sydney and had conversations this week that have been stimulating, and very insightful, and each day I feel i'm growing into the person I was always meant to be....surrounding myself with the right people, the people that are helping to make me happy, the right path...regardless of money and status and possessions....

How do you know when your doing the right thing? Do you acknowledge the signs you feel? When you like or don't like something? In anything a relationship, a career, your religion, an activity? How do you know when it isn't right, and when do you stop saying yes and start saying...no thanks, i'm confident how I feel is whats right for me.....

Lilly my roommate is a bit of a nightmare, but as with anything that is "free" comes some type of crap your going to deal with. She is very lonley, so she actually likes me around, but she has "rules"...I can make it 3 more weeks, but the latest example is my favorite. The jewish high holidays are arriving upon us, and at first she said I wasn't invited...then a few days ago, she asked me to come with her...at first I said thank you, that sounds lovely...then she told me why she wants me to go with her...She wants me to meet her friend, who will judge me by my looks and intelligence and fix me up with someone, they call this jewish match making....The idea of some old hag matching me with somone who she deems is appropriate and good for me...is something that will just never happen, not in this life time. While I appreciate that Lilly feels I'm getting too old to be alone...alone is what's best right now for me. I'm not closed off to meeting people naturally, but I don't feel desperate or in a rush or feel now is an appropraite time after all the work i've done on myself to go into a situation where someone looks at me and tries to decide to my fate. It seems like this a recurring theme...I can't and don't think I will ever understand why people feel when you reach a certain age....you must be in a certain place in life. It takes a lot of pressure off when you just relax, and find things in your life that excite you and make you happy....that doesn't always have to be...marriage and kids. Sheep...I never really understood this term until recentley, and now I understand that one persons happiness and expectations, can be another persons source of anxiety and depression medication. I feel confident if I want to let love in....it will happen.I do not want to be judged or measured by anyone except the instructors at my school at the moment whom I'm paying to judge and critique me.

On a much lighter note, In class we were going over "too vs. not enough" a language analysis....the examples used were too heavy, too big, too hard, too long....my face went bright red and I couldn't help but start laughing, and then the girl next to me started laughing as well... I looked over at her and mouthed "wow"... you can see what happens when you spend too much time alone, and isolated in a classroom, you start fantasizing that a language analysis is speaking about the male anatomy....

Life IS like a jigsaw puzzle, we are constantly trying to make all the pieces fit for ourselves and the people we love the most...Always asking the infamous question...WHATS THE PURPOSE??(not for anyone else...but yourself)...smile...cause I promise, it feels a hell of a lot better then crying;)