What a mental couple of days... Jesus Christ. I literally haven't stopped laughing. People in the cafe I'm sitting in must think I'm mental. I keep laughing to myself, looking through the pictures from yesterday. Just had myself an awesome breakfast. Massive dippy egg and soldiers. Been so long since I've eaten it, I couldn't remember how you cracked into the egg... Or it could be that I'm actually losing my basic brain cells for good??! 

So after spending time with Julie (the French girl), I decided to go out in the evening for dinner. Fancied me a seafood chowder. So I headed to the Whaler pub and indulged. Was a bloody good seafood chowder!! Took the time to reminisce on old piccies to which made me giggle. 

The girls at the bar suggested I visit the pub opposite. Music was supposed to be pretty good, and they said its a great way to mingle with the locals and get tips. So I did. Sure enough, it was pretty heaving with people. I got myself a Crabbies ginger beer and sat down. The people there were so funny and really easy to talk to. 

Whilst enjoying my beverage, this pickled chappy sparks up a conversation. 
 
 "It's my friends bachelor party!"

"Oh right. Who's your friend?" 

The dude points to this sorry son of a goldfish looking creature, swaying side to side... working the prettiest pink frock I've ever seen. This was going to be an interesting evening...

Before I knew it, I was talking to the stag (Morgan - AKA Mr Pink Frock)... He was so expressive with his limbs, whilst telling me about his travels to Africa, almost knocked over my drink a few times. But he was cracking me up so much. Spoke to some of the other members of the crew. They were such an I interesting group of people. 
The evening rolled by. The guys ended up buying me a couple of drinks, so I stayed a little longer. They spontaneously invited me out with them for a day at the beach the next day. They were going Paua Shell diving, and chilling out with a BBQ. Wasn't sure at the time... group of lads, all on a stag do... Inviting one blonde, British girl along. Yeah, now I come to think of it, sounds pretty dodgy. 
Got given a number by Gardy (one of the crew members)... And was told to meet them for breakfast at 9am if I fancied going along... Rather tempting, but kinda weird. 

I figured I'd head back to crash out around 2am. As I wiggled through the crowded bar, I see this arm swing up, throw me some breeze then land on my shoulders. I look sideways, and find this staggering, young, pink faced gentleman, smiling at me...
 
"I saw you today!"

"Yeah?" I said, smirking

"Yeah, you were on my boat! We found the whale! Finally!"

I very quickly learned that this pissed nut job, (Shannon his name was - a boy Shannon? News to me!), he was in fact the Captain of the boat! And it was his first time out at sea since becoming a Captain! That's a good enough reason to celebrate. I suppose that justifies why he was so battered. Anyway, so we get chatting. He then asks me what I'm doing tomorrow... God knows?! Stag do? Seal Hike?!

He shakes his head, 

"Nah, nah. Listen, I've got a day off tomorrow, *hiccup* I don't really wanna mow the lawn... Come to Hanmer Springs with me! It's beautiful *hiccup*, you'll love it!" 

I was scheming a plan to go there previously... This could be my chance! 

"Definitely come with me! *hiccup* Just bring a bikini and towel. It's super relaxing, lovely geothermal pools for you to dip in!"

Damn. Does sound pretty tasty. 

Shannon gave me his number, and told me to let him know asap. If we were gunna go, we'd need to leave early. Hmm... So many choices?!  

I giggled to myself on the way home, and arrived back at the Dolphin Lodge, where I caught up with these bistley, kiwi biker dudes who were also staying there. Crazy Midge, Dave, Woody, Gerry and Andre. 
They must've been in their late 50's, and they were doing a tour of the South Island together on their Harleys. So interesting to talk to.. We were all sitting round the table till about 3am, just chatting. Their accents were cracking me up. 

Woody introduced himself by offering me a massive, cold garlic mushroom from the chippy, which didn't actually taste too bad. 

"Hi Heather, want one of these? They're real tasty... just dead munchy!" 

Crazy Midge, just didn't stop swearing. Every sentence started and ended with "f***in, too right ay!" He had me in tears laughing. He seems to be really impressed with his smart phone, and the pictures he took whilst fishing, and when he visited this Museum, full of these 'Old as f*** cars'. 

It was when he was telling me about this underwater snake they caught, that really made me laugh. 

"Oh mate. We caught this f***in snake, eel, lookin thing. Ugly as f*** it was. Never seen anything so f***in ugly in my life. Scaring off all the other fish, with this f***in ugly head."

"Too right, ay mate. Too right ay." (Woody in the background) 
 
Wish I recorded them.

I told them about my crazy offers I had for tomorrow, and asked for their opinions... 

"Nah, f***ing Hanmer Springs is beautiful, you definitely wanna go there!" 

The next morning I went for a run and used that time to weigh up my options. Stag do? They actually seemed like a really nice group of people. Think that's what was making me think twice. They were happy giving me tips where to go, and they seemed like a safe group of people, didn't get any bad vibes. 

Or Hanmer Springs with a pissed Sea Captain?!

I showered super quick and decided to call up Shannon. My phone b*****ed up a fair bit, and I couldn't get through to him. Then suddenly, one of the biker dudes came outside... 

"Hi Heather, what're you still doing here?!" 

"Trying to get in touch with that Captain man, to go to Hanmer Springs"

"That stag do lot you were talking about, they're all bloody waiting for you at the restaurant down there!"

And like a bullet, with a split second to make a decision, I followed that biker man's arm like it were a rope to safety... Or unsafety...  

My little legs galloped towards the restaurant as quick as they could. The whole time, my brain was battling my conscience.. This is a bad idea, this is a bad idea... Or is it? If it gets uncomfortable, I can leave whenever. Right?... What if they tie you up like a ham? And feed you to the seals?! 
  
There they were... All sitting in the breakfast bar down town. This time, Morgan was wearing a slightly different frock. It was cotton based, nice and breathable. He was looking extremely sorry for himself. Some of the guys already were on the beers, and Morgan had to demolish a bloody Mary and a Tequila Suicide (snort the salt, down tequila and squirt lemon in the eye - GOOD MORNING MORGAN) ... Oh this was all kicking off around 9am. Bloody hell, what had I got myself into? 

"Hello Heather!" They all hollered in their kiwi accents, haha. "So you're coming along, yeah?"... I scanned the area. Red eyes, beers in hand, Morgan with egg dribbling down his face... 

"Yeah, sure..." 

f***. 

3 of the lads weren't drinking so they could drive. We had three vans full of stag do-ers. Some of the guys had to sit on each other's laps in the other vans... So yeah, there were quite a few of them! 

Whilst we were driving, the dudes were quizzing me on my travels, and if I thought this was a safe idea... 

"Heather, could you reach into that seat pocket, and fetch my lighter?" 

I rustle around the pocket, to find, not a lighter, but a cold, chunky pair of handcuffs. LEGIT handcuffs... Not those flimsy, fluffy, pink ones from Anne Summers, NO SIR. 

I gulped. Not sure I'd ever genuinely gulped until that moment. 

I was scared to ask. I later found out that one of the guys was a cop. I suppose that cushioned my worrying head a little bit...

 We drove to this black, rocky beach. It was beautiful. Sorry again, I'm always repeating myself... But it was stunning. The seaweed was f***ing huge... Like massive flops of leather! We set up a bit of a camp, got a fire going, whilst a few of the lads were getting suited to dive for our lunch. Paua Shell, or Abalone. 

I was speaking to all of them. Such friendly people. They were all like happy, teddy bears. Harmless. They were giving me tips on visiting Christchurch, and the West Coast. Ended up taking a dip in the sea (with clothes on Dad! Don't worry, I was decent). f***, it was cold! And my footing was all over the place because of all the slippery seaweed, so I pretty much just fell in. Smooth. 

Me, Logan and Kem, this dude with a metal leg ended up chilling out, checked out all the wildlife near the rocks. There were some strange looking organisms there. We decided to try some kelp (the massive leathery seaweed). So me and Logan were just standing in the sea munching on Kelp. It's kinda like rubber? Chewy and crunchy all in one go. 

We headed back to the camp where the lads had managed to scoop up a healthy load of Abalone. They also picked out a treat for Morgan. A weird, red, spikey sea urchin. Apparently, the inside of this thing was meant to taste absolutely, f***ing foul. Stag Do present from the lads... 
They cut this ugly fish hedgehog open, to reveal its yellow, slimey, innards. Tipped it in to a spatula and summoned Morgan. 

He put the whole, damn thing in his mouth, immediately threw it back up again, along with a gallon of beer. 

We proceeded with our BBQ, and every 5-10mins they had another gruelling task for Morgan. I was beginning to feel very sorry for him. But he was going hard, like a real trooper. Never seen such commitment!!! 

Abalone tasted amazing. And there was lots of it. It was kind of like a really, tender, meaty mussel. So good! And fresh! The lads also were dishing out chilli hot dogs and venison. Never tried venison until yesterday. That was pretty bloody good too! 
I was slowly beginning to feel like one of the lads. They were so much fun. 

Things got real bad for Morgan. The diving lads had whipped up a nice seafood delicacy for him. A soupy substance made with the finest ingredients, warm beer, and warm squids served in a plastic bag. Yep. He f***ing went for it... dressed in nothing but a yellow G-string stuffed with seaweed, I watched this man, drink, and vomit, and suck this squiddy, beery concoction. The whole damn thing. That wasn't the only thing they had whipped up... They cracked his arse with one of the flippers, smeared with margarine, so hard that they split the flipper in half. His arse was in a bad way. A big, bruised, lumpy mess.  

Without any surprise Morgan passed out like a seal. The Lads took full opportunity of this... and decided to completely destroy any dignity left in the poor fella. Faced down, with his bruised arse out on show, Morgan was in for a French toasting. This is a new thing that the guys invented. It involved placing a piece of bread between his bum cheeks, cracking an egg on the bum cheeks, then throwing whatever else you can find on top to season (e.g. ketchup, pepper, more bread, toilet roll, sand, etc...). The seagulls didn't mind the French toasting. Got a bit pecky... 

Pretty sure that's how legends are made. 

Holy s***... that wasn't the last of it either. 

After spending the whole day at the beach, we made our way back to Kaikoura town. Had a bit of a freshen up, I got some more beers in, then we chilled out altogether again. Where Morgan had more challenges to look forward to. We waxed the poor devil to his limits... after being torched at the beach... So he was pretty much hairless now. He had to complete the milk challenege. A gallon of milk asap. Never seen so much milky vomit. We were all standing on the balcony of this hotel in the centre of Kaikoura town. In between each milky, vomiting session Morgan would bellow down to the nice people of Kaikoura.... 

"KAI-KOUUUUUUURRRRRAAAAA!!!!" 

I was in pain with laughter. 

We played some more drinking games in the hotel. Simple. A slapping game where you make a load of animal noises, heads or tails, and rock paper scissors. I ended up wrestling with one of the lads who was police officer. Hilarious. Didn't hold back either!! Came out with cuts and bruises! 

Morgan got changed into his night outfit... A huge, tribal gingerbread man... As you do? And off we went to town. We visited a few bars, where we managed to scrounge Morgan a couple of motorboat sessions. Had some shots, and then headed off to this bar where they were playing live Irish music. There were these Canadians in there that we danced with. Me and Kem (the guy with one leg) ended up passionately dancing to James Brown - This is A Man's World. Received a huge round of applause. Things got weird, started dancing like Merry and Pippin with the rest of the clan, and the Canadians. May have also had a twerk off with Sammo...

And that my friends and family, is how its done. Watch out girlies... I would suggest that you DON'T ask me to plan your Hen dos. You'll be in for a world of pain... And milky, squid & beer vomit. 

So glad I went along. Definitely one of the best experiences I've had on this journey. What an amazing group of people!! 

I'm also pretty sunburnt... f*** it. 

 Quote of the Day 

Crazy Midge at 3am, looking for food "I know these f***in backpacker places are all about providing for yourself... But providing for yourself is f***in pinching other people's s*** anyway."