In true Carrie Bradshaw inquiry style I'm forced to ask myself: just why is it that confident 'Muscle Mary' Gay Lads (and their posse's) rile me up so much?

I rack my inner thoughts for answers but I'm sure, as always, someone will have the correct answer before and for me.

I've noticed, particularly while travelling solo, that they almost frighten me. They certainly unsettle me. I'd even go so far as to say I feel contempt for them! But, is it loathing or envy? I just don't know.

Just the way they 'swan' about, displaying the confidence, nee, arrogance of a proud peacock or Lion. Now, I know there's nothing wrong with being confident. God knows they have earned the right: rippling beautiful muscles; perfect pecs, bulging biceps, washboard abs, tight tanned skin and bubble butts...and usually model-looks handsome!

I feel invisible in their presence! It's honestly like they would walk right through me if they could! I'm a flea on their landscapes of life. Yes, I know, No one can make you feel a certain way without your permission. But, they do.

Is it because they display the looks I wish I had? Is it because they stand tall and proud and confident in a way I never will? Or, is it because they do actually see themselves as better than everyone else and I'm not the jealous average travelling queer who can feel like cellophane in a mere instantaneous moment in their vicinity!

They stop me feeling confident enough to sit near their table, to stand by them at a bar, to go to the cruise they will dominate or attend the beach they will be parading on!

I wish in my heart of hearts I could shake this classic case (I think) of internalised shame & homophobia...I really am trying. I feel like I'm the only one!

I suppose it's highlighted more when you are alone! You have to summon up so much more internal strength to feel proud, stand tall and confident and just "be". These guys are always in packs, like strong, confident wolves with shiny coats: feeding off each other, making the most of their momentum and their moment in the sun, as the centre of the universe.

In fact just witnessed 4 "porn star" hot hot guys (2 couples) at my resort literally pass everything and everyone else by. Go introduce to each other. Start feeling each other up within 15 mins...then...

Hot! But!? Still, proves a point!? (Except to those needing to challenge me! LOL )

I'm working on it! I know I'm not the only one in the gay world that feels this way (particularly traveling the globe) and I'm not here to say it's them, not me and I won't use anger or negativity to justify my thoughts.

I know I'm good, kind, honest, decent looking and, at times very confident but am reminded of a quote from "Torch Song Trilogy" where Arnold admits he has been both beautiful and confident but rarely did the two states 'meet'. He always tries not to care or worry or feel bad, yet, he determines...maybe just NOT ENOUGH!

*disclaimer: the hot guy in my blog pic is not one of those whom I talk about..just thought I'd get your attention! (-: