this is agonna be long...

back on the 12th or something when it was ellies n suzis bdays... i was outside my bungalows talking to the nice lady who owned it and i asked for toilet roll, and she handed it over and then was like'you must NOT go to toilet for at least one hour, as coconuts be cutting down'haha safety first as ever in thailand. my bathroom which i loved as it was so huge and no shower over toilet etc, had a wee issue of not really having a roof. the roof was like a strip of metal in the middle so big huge gaps in the roof basically like inside outside? anyways i loved it, and amazing not one bug apart from evil mosquitos entered my room at all depsite my outside bathroom. haha so the coconut trees were above my bathroom so when the man started cutting them down they were falling in my toilet practically which would have been instant death for sure have you seen how big the coconuts are here?of course not but trust me they look nowt like them hairy brown things you get in asda. massive green coconuts here. amazing. so it was nice to have my life saved that day by nice thai lady. in lonely beach every day without fail i went to my favourite cafe. it was kinda like roys caff from corrie, the man who ran it obviously fell for my lovely english rose charm and made friendship with me, and every day i asked for black tea (no point even trying to go there with the milk issue after the condense milk situation in asia) he insisted i had earl grey even tho i hate earl grey. but anyways that what i go every day even when i asked for yellow label specifically! bless him, he waslovely tho and his son was always running around handing out menus to anyone and everyone even tho he was like 18months haha. waiter in training or what|?one day when i was in the caff enjoying my tea and toast (so english) there was an amazing conservation happening just next to me, one man was telling another how he loves crack but cant do it anymoe cos of his lungs, and all about what drugs are the best and how it feels when you inject stuff etc. he was also saying he robs people everynight and saying you just need to put your hand in the letter box turn the key and you're in and most people dont even know you're in until you've left and he makes $100a night by doing this and its all legal apparently and he can keep whatever hes caught with due to some legal loophole? oh my buddha, he was banging on all bloody breakfast so loudly too everyone was like looking at each other and rolling their eyes n tutting haha. he was of course english! wow. he then went on to tell everyone that when he left his wife (who on earth would marry such a character?) he really messed up his 16 year old kid who is super clever and is going to uni to be a barrister, but t turns out shes not even done her gcses yet so not sure how he knows about the barrister part unless all them drugs mean he can see the future? what a massive spud!!

i left there to head straight to the beach for some chillax time and was so hot on arrival i went straigt in the sea and there was a HUGE massive jelly fish in there it was mentally big. or what it a carrier bag>i dont know but i was scared either way then i though i had been attacked by it as my leg got a massive mark on it and was killing but i actually think i had been bitten by a evil fish! seriously! the marks gone now anyways so it def wasnt jelly fish attack. what a dramatic.

that nigth i went for a beer or two of course, at the bar accross from my bungalows there was always two english guys who were promoters trying to make me go in so in i went and the bar man obviously really fell hard for my english charm as he gave me some free beers for the priviledge of talking to him he was called china, and i though he meant he was from china but nope he just has the coolest name ever. whilst chatting to him and the other bar lady susannah from ibiza some swedish guys joined in our conversation which pleased me as i love the swedes especially the hot ones haha. anyways they became my lovely friends Daniel and Christian, we ended up going to the timmel bar party that night and drinking alot of buckets they were trying to get me drunk so id party all night but instead they ended up getting themselves wasted and eventually going home unable to stand, obviously they didnt know the geordie crack of drinking everyone under the table without even trying haha. hardcore. on route that night we also picked up a lovely finnish guy who shamefully drank me under the table for sure and i had to leave to go to bed eventually and he was still going but to be fair finnish people are basically vikings arent they//? i think so!! he was amazingly bad at dancing and had all the moves, me n the swedes with quite sure he was on drugs as he never stopped all night and was soooo sweaty. people all night in the bar tried to outdance him but it never happened and one by one everyone quit. he certainly dropped it like its haaaaawt! the thing with that night was that i was supposed to be moving to kaibae beach the next day early to beat the sun - carrying the backpack is so much worse in the horendous heat basically im a proper weakling. but getting in a little worse for wear that morning at around 3am meant there was no way on earth i was getting up at 7.30!! so i got up at 11 booked another night in my lovely home and went to the beach of course to sleep all day and eat crisps!! that day on the beach there were 2 hippies who were hillariously smashed and all day long when they werent getting it on they were drinking more beer. they were quite gross. almost put me off my crisps but not quite. they were also like late 40s which is pretty cool still living the dream at their age haha. the two swedes made it to the beach way later than me and they looked rough!! shame on them haha.

in thailand you see many random things such as a motorbike basket full the brim of massive fish, not in bags or boxes, just dumped in the basket attached to the bike? i have no idea if they were dead or alive either?

that night i was going to go to the beach party but then i saw my weird little turkish friend who basically said he was going to bodysnatch me i think and he was djing there that night so i did a sharp exist and avoided the beach like the plague that night, which turned out even better as i went to a nice fncy bar instead where they sold beer lao! happy days indeed and not just that i also met bradley from south sheilds he literally is from the street my nana lived on forever!! how random!! so essentially that night i met my long lost cousin, he also is a bar promoter and reckons anytime i wanted i could get work in koh chang whoop! always good to have options especially in hot thailand where the beaches are lush!! anwyas after a bit of local banter he went back to work and by this point i had started talking to this nice chap from london who was living in koh chang for a few months as he hated the winters in england even tho clearly in london its boiling compared to up north, bloody southerners haha. anyways he was telling me he did his farming work in australia for his second year visa a few years ago and he did potato farming he said it sounds so s*** and it was s*** but it was mint haha. so i think farming work sounds quite fun now if you end up somewhere with loadsa people it should be good crack. a man from scarborough then joined us he was called max and i swear to god it was spider from corrie like ten years ago? anyways he was hillariously wasted and then his lady friend turned up she was canadian called liz and she was a professor of some science stuff, she was super clever and did not look old enough to be a professor at all. it was crazy.they turned out to be the funniest couple both hahah and weird i ever met, they basically argued about everything but only 'clever' things as they thought they were super clever, liz clearly was super clever. spider on the other hand was just a pothead i think. anyways they bought me several beer laos to keep me there to watch their ridiculous arguments which i think they must have liked company so they didnt kill each other maybe? anyways at one point i swear he almost made liz cry which was pretty harsh but to be fair he wasnt been too mean i think she was just pretty hammered. the best thing they said was 'you are definately Y chromosone, in the really good grey area' and he was so happy to have met me as spider though he was the 'last one alive' so it was amazing to find someone my age 7 years younger than him still keeping the dream alive and giving him some hope for the future... oh boy? so yeah its good to hear i think Y chromosone grey area but positively. awesome. i tried repeatedly to leave to sleep as i really needed to leave the next day to go to kaibae but they just kept the beers coming. whats a girl to do?!

i did eventually get away pretty early am, but got up the next day straight on a taxi and hit kaibae beach, on arrival i was dropped at one end of town so as i headed up i went in every bungalow type buget accommodation place and everywhere was fricking full. seriously it was soooo hot even though i had gotten up super early to beat the sunshine. i tried about 5 millions places and no spaces at the inn until i found some really expensive hotels n was condsidering if i cant find anywhere i am going to have to go in one of those but then by magic a guest house appeared by the name of la luna! and in i went, it was lovely, hot showers, aircon, tv with fox news, a real bed which was 4 poster too. nice indeed. i then went in hunt of the beach and realised after walking for around 2 hours like a crazy banshee that the only real acess to the beach was via the fancy hotels who wouldnt let the commoners in. i found one square of manky beach that one would not like to put my thai sarong on so instead i huffed on to a beach bar for a beer to calm me down. i was pretty pissed off. i asked loadsa peeople and they were all convinced there was a public access beach but if there was did i s***e find it, i met a american couple and they had the same issue as me so i didnt feel quite as bad but still i was pretty annoyed. luckily i was only planning one night there. i went out on the night to the moijto bar which was lush and did lovely havana club cocktails then i went on to a crazy bucket bar where the clientele were russians so i befriended the thai barman instead more free beers, amazing. anyways considering no places had rooms free there was no people!! i then headed to a bar where there was a lady boy show on i sat with a french man who could hardly speak any english as he was so pissed. it was a mitn ladyboy show. i swear only 2 of them were lady boys im convinced the rest were ladies for real. im not so sure they got the whole lady boy show concept right there. anyways one of them was in a reet strop and barely knew any of the words it was so funny and then at the end they were posing for photos and she refused to get in any then she got on her motorbike in her big red showgirl dress and massive headgear and drove off. what a sight indeed. i bloody love that s***! only in thailand. she also had massive heels on so that would have been quite a sight if you seen her unexpectedly on the roads. anyways by this point the french man wasdoing my head in so i went home and facetimed sarah mc whilst a wee bit tipsy. i had discovered a massive bump thing on my head that day and she could see it!! oops. i think it was a bite, it happened once in ibiza but for no reason. very weird.

the next day i moved beaches again.. to white sand beach, everywhere was full id heard before i went and it was a nightmare finding somewhere to stay, but i ended up in a reet posh fancy hotel called keereee ele or something mad like that? my hotel had a POOL> wowser. it was lush too. the hotel was full of the rudest people i ever met in my life, i mean the guests of course. my hotel room was amazing i had a massive four poster bed and a bath and they had toiletries, small things indeed!! i also got free water there which i took well advantage of! the breakfast was vile though. and white sand beach was vile generally just a horrible souless place to go full of evil tourists mainly russians but it was like being anywhere in the world nothing thai about it really. i was next door a mini version of pattaya which cheered me up a little bit since i love to play spot the sex tourist so it was very easy there. but there was no backpackers there or anything so it was pretty s***ty i wish i had spend more time in lonely beach, where i would go back any day of the week as it was soo lush there. i mainly spend my time there lying at the pool all day long i didnt even go to the beach... oops.

on my last night i went to the irish pub next door as there was live music on as i explained before but it was hillarious when i was in there, this couple i think were germans maybe> not so sure started moaning to anyone who would listen - not me i refused to make eye contact im so smart! they were moaning cos they had ordered these huge cheeseburgers which when arrived were like massive cluny style (only newcastle folk will understand this) amazing burger creations. i really wish i'd had one of them instead of my stinky pad thai. anyways there problem was that... it wasnt a hamburger like what you get in a circus i think... like a manky burger van burger with no meat inside? they were so annoyed by this, the nice busker man who i think ran the irish pub was like 'is everything ok?' and when they told him he looked like he really wanted to laugh and scream Seriiously in their faces haha but instead he calmly spend aprrox 20 mins explaining the difference between hamburgers and homemade beefburgers and how they hadnt been ripped off at all infact everytime at home when they get a hamburger thats is when they are really being ripped off.. f***ing hell. how i didnt openly laugh is only to be described as a clear christmas miracle. the man then got back on his guitar and did a nice johnny cash song walk the line then at the end he said...'song by johnny cash... or in my case johnny no cash' haha aww i loved that man the happiest thing about being in white sand beach!!

the next day i go up had my lovely terrible breakfast from my stupidly expensive hotel! and get myself on the bus to bangkok. left at 9 arrived at around 4 pretty good time i think, proper gutting for me was when i first got on the bus i had to sit up front with driver as i was last pick up so i though score! nice comfy seat all the view and proper aircon woo hoo. then another bloody man got picked up and i had to move along to sit in the middle fake seat that was no more than a box with leather on it to make it look like a seat so i was sitting between mr bloody dreadlock urgh and the bus driver i was soooo uncomfortable!! it was awful i didnt even have a head rest which really upset me as id planned to sleep the whole way to bangkok so instead i had to read to avoid the f***ing manky dreadlock man whos dreadlocks were down to his ass and he kept flicking them at me and i dont want dreadlocks touchin me but yet for 7 hours that what i got! seriously. i was starting to feel ill from this bus trip from the hair urgh he kept inspecting it and i started imagining he had hair lice which made me head more for the bus driver but the bus driver was eating massive bits of coconut all the way proper slurping when he was eating and that was also making me feel so ill. you just couldnt make these trips up i swear, it went from potentially being the most comfy trip ever to being the worst most unfortable trip ever and my legs didnt really fit anywhere which was just great with a capital G! not! also the whole way there the driver had almost no petrol and the petrol light was on! and everytime we stopped at a petrol station he wouldnt fill up due to the price! even tho it like less than half what we bloody pay at home. doh! its like 40p instead of 1.40. ha! rip of england strikes again!! anyways when he dropped me no where really near khao san road it turned out he did me a massive favour as he stopped right outside a POST OFFICE yey which means that today i have send all my s***e off to janine in sunny melbourne so now i dont have half as much s*** to carry round. i sent so much crap sorry flower!! i did send her a surpirse gift though... its not a cockroach no worries!! and it cost $40 which i think is pretty good as i reckon sending that much s*** from england would have cost double that at least so happy days man!!

anyways i made it to khao san road backpack n all n then sat in a bar waiting for pete to arrive yey! he arrived 30 mins later after much facebooking and yey happy days are here again for sure, i missed him so much so it was lush to get a huge hug from him!! he just never changes one bit he is just browner and hairier!! went then went and checked in to a canny little hotel off khao san on a lovely street where the silk pjama man lives!!! i bloody love than man!! we then got ourselves sorted, showered etc then went out of course for some tea or dinner as you posh folk call it. we went to a amazing street food cafe where you had to bring you own beers and my thai green chicken curry with rice was 40baht which is like africkingmazing crazy price! thats like 80p. usually curry n rice is like from 80-120baht and it was soooooo good i want more now in fact. we sat with some canny lil americanos from NeW York City they were super cool lauren and paul such nice people for real, they actually live in india in a boarding school where the dalai lamas nephew goes or something crazy like that. me and pete were like amazed as they had brought their own cocktail out with them it was orange juice, gin and something else but seriously. bringing your own gin out in se asia is mental!! its so cheap here!! apparetly they were on a super stick buget as they dont get paid much ruppees haha they had around 40baht left for the night when we all left bless them!!!

anways then me n pete hit more beers awaiting news from henry landing from hong kong. we moved to a cool bar that was really just a camper van bar with tables outside so we got us some mega cheap and strong cocktails and then met a irish dude called connor (obviously) he said i really need to talk to someone iv been travelling for 27 hours or something crazy like that! so we took him in! then we got word from henry so off we all went back to khao san to meet him and we finally found him in the no id required bar haha aww it was soo lush! fancy seeing Wu in bangkok!! we are so rock n roll!! anyways i met some of his friends, connor and his friend gregor hit it off so well we have clearly started a bromance or a romance who knows but we saw the numbers being exchanged haha. we all drank some crazy buckets then went and partied hard in the club next door it was mint then next thing you know the lights are on and its kick out time!! and i finally get my mvdonalds what a sweet day this has turned out indeed!!

anyways this morning me n pete went for breakfast and then i have been sending my life to janine and now im here in a internet cafe making someones profits go through the roof. of course henry is awol already, we have another night in bangkok booked and then who knows we have sorted nothing out at all. obviously. backpacking is proper brilliant!! i love the freedom of it all. no stress, plenty sun and fun!!

anyways if your still reading i apologise i talk a lot of s***. big loves xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx