'Sup folks,

I would apologise for being slack with the blog, but I'm actually having too much of a good time to care for your concerns and interests in my well being.

This does however mean I'm going to have to wind my little, brain cogs way WAY back. This has already proven to be a struggle. I think my brain cogs are slowly rusting away, marinated in 'Fruit Lexia' (AKA- GOON).

So this lovely, blonde German bird (Helena) helped us out with finding a share house across the road from where she was staying. The landlord dude (Kev) showed us around the place. Bedroom, kitchen, bathroom, Wi-Fi. Within seconds, Moses and I nodded in unison. It was $135 per week (about 100 smackerroonies less than what we were paying for the hostel!).

So after a hefty walk from the hostel to the house, we were home. It'd only taken us 6months to finally move out! Was refreshing to have our own, little, pad. Somewhere to hang our garments, and bury our food away, without labeling every single, bloody morsel we buy. Phew! What a relief.

So we treated ourselves to some scrummy dinner after watching an inspirational, Asian cooking show. Chilli Beef. NOM NOM NOM.

I won't bore you too much with the amount of cleaning we had to do over the weekend... But just as a heads up, and some friendly advice to all you fellas, CLEAN UP YOUR s***. There's a reason why there are signs printed everywhere in the hostels asking you to 'Please wash up your dishes'... For the simple reason, if you don't clean your dishes, you will find some nasty ass, mummified, woodlice motherf***ers, freeze dried onto your knives and forks. My feet were also covered in black soot after walking around the kitchen for 15mins. Out pops the mop, the floor cleaner, and a garnish of baking soda... for added 'gleam'. I think I scraped off a layer. Truly exhilarating conversation eh?

Right, onto the fun bit...

Couple of weeks back we all trailed off to the Grampians as a bit of an Easter getaway with all the Aussie Farmer bunch. The whole of the company are nomads. People from all corners of the globe (mainly England actually). But yeah, there's a cluster of Scots, Canadians, Germans, Swedish, Americans all on board. There must've been about 35/40 of us all together. 5 buses, following each other as a convoy, crammed full of travelers in there 20's, who all had a raging appetite for goon, beer and weed.

4 days. Drinking, piss ups, games, bonfires and canned food... Oh yes, and of course, a tiny hike to a 'waterfall' (think our dribbley, broken tap at our new place was more impressive). With the best company imaginable.Was definitely a weekend to remember. Literally gallons of goon, beer and soup. My word.

We'd turned feral. Feral travellers,who were all looking pretty shagged by the end. I smelt like a ball of smoked s*** on that forth day... So yeah, that shower felt pretty, bloody good once we arrived home.

Seems we've been very accommodating since then. We've organised a few dinners/curry/mexican nights with the guys. I was chief curry maker, with my Scottish Assistant, Jess. We made Japattis (inbetween a naan/flat bread), which soon turned into some kind of 'Tabboo' session... (d*** & boob shaped japattis). Got some weird, Aussie Farmer family on the go at the moment. Loving every minute of it.

So we all decided to investigate the house... Turns out there's another room in the back shed. Got tons of books, blankets, bed, a weight bench?! And some other unexpected items. There's also a cupboard crammed full of old clothes, more blankets, fancy moisturisers, shoes.. The list goes on. Now, being stingey, trampy travellers... Of course we took full advantage of these mystery items. I'm actually wearing a pair of boots from that cupboard right now. Pretty comfy actually. Jess went home with a bundle of clothes and Alex managed to find some interview wear for a new job he's applied for. Handy. 

Weekend after the Grampians, it was time to super chill. So we decided to check out the cheap Easter choccies in Coles (aussie supermarket). No luck there. However, James (another Aussie Farmer crew member) advised us to try out a frozen Starbar (it's like a peanut Boost bar). So we'd thought we'd give them a go. We scanned one through to try out... $0.20. Oh, something must've been wrong on the barcode. Scan another, $0.20 AGAIN?! Alex ran to the back of the shop, grabbed arm fulls of Starbars. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!! The self serve scanner was going wild. STARBARS GALORE!! After filling a carrier bag full of Starbars, he passes me and Jess the bag, bolts it back into the shop, and returns with 3 large stock boxes of Starbars. By this stage, the self serve assistant was giving Alex some side ways glances. He proceeded to BEEP BEEP BEEP. Then escaped with a colossal amount of Starbars. I was in fits of giggles. 

What happened next, I can tell you, will never happen again in the history of man. We ran back onto James' House, launching Starbars through his door, in his face. All of us giggling like little munchkins. We came up with a fantastic plan... A master plan. So, as you do... Alex whipped out his Jesus Christ outfit, stood in the middle of the street, handing out Starbars to passers by. He ran up to cars, balconies, joggers, you name it! I nearly wet myself laughing so much. Productive day. 
 
Alex is a Canadian gentleman who I hung out with over the Grampians weekend. Turns out I'm pretty fond of this fella. He's travelling around in a campervan (best bloody campervan ever)... House on wheels. Full of food, blankets and a bearded man. What more could you ask for? I'll tell you what... A splash of colour would do the trick! And that's exactly what's occuring. He's only gone and let me paint the inside of his van. As you're probably aware, I'm bloody PSYCHED! So alongside, rummaging for clothes, making bracelets, curries and getting extremely, toffin happy on goony goods, I'm also an artist. I can't show you lot yet, the painting's nowhere near finished. It's mental. Possibly the strangest painting I've ever created. There's a story that unravels throughout the tapestry... Which I'll explain in my next blog. 

Alex and I have hung out with each other a fair bit these past few days. (Not sure why anyone would go out of their way to spend more than an hour with me, unless there's some kind of reward involved?) But hey, he's very tolerant of my antics. He took me to Lentils, which is a vegetarian restaurant (mainly Asian orientated food), and you donate however much you wish. On average people dish out $1.60 per meal. SUPER CHEAP. Decent grub too. You can visit the buffet as much as you like. As you can imagine, it's traveller central. 

Once we arrived back at the house, we could her Moses, Jess and Sam (Swedish gentleman) shrieking about a spider! Oh bloody hell... 

"Heather, we've caught a Black Widow!!" 

I look over at the three of them, crowded around the coffee table like excited pre-schoolers. This poor spider, had been frozen, defrosted and then drowned inside a jar of honey. They didn't just catch this Black Widow, they tortured the poor b*****!! Courtesy ofJess, and her wicked imagination. 

Things soon escalated as they decided they'd like to keep the spider as some kind of trophy. Because Alex is a frock and umbrella away from becoming Mary Poppins, he happened to have some resin inside his van. So the spider received a much needed bath (using match sticks to pick him out of the honey jar, and to scrape of the remains of sticky goo)... He was then placed inside a Jacuzzi of resin. 

If reincarnation is a thing, I sure as hell don't have any I intention of coming back as a Black Widow. 
 So now we have a Black Widow inside a cube of resin. We do love our productive days, don't we! 

Probably missing out a few bits over these past few weeks... Hmm, let me think. Major events that have recently occured... 
Spider in honey, Grampians, goon... Hmm Ahh yes! A crackhead broke into our house on Monday! When I say broke in, I mean broken windows, shattered glass, running around the joint like a coked up gazelle. 

I was with Alex, asleep like a happy, little lamb, when I received a call from Moses at 5am. My initial reaction was of course, "What the f*** is Moses doing up at 5am"... 

"Hello?!"

"Alright, yeah, so a crackhead's just broken into our house." 

"Holy s***, are you okay??!!!" 

" Yeah, I am now. The police are here and stuff." 

 I crawl out the van and patter towards the house to find flashing, blue lights, officers and a scraggly, sorry looking motherf***er, propped on the curb. I was wrapped up in a huge hoody, with my hair fizzing up like I'd been electrocuted. The officers gave me a side ways glance as if to say "There's the supplier". I went inside to see Moses. The kitchen windows were f***ed. Glass was spat all over the living room, but my camper van painting hadn't been touched, so I was relieved. 

Moses explained the story to me. Sounded some what hilarious and terrifying all in one go. 

The crackhead basically caused a whole lot of racket at the front door, then scurried around the corner, and went for the side window. He must've used a plank of wood or something. At first, Moses assumed it was me, trying to get inside, then he thought I'd smashed a glass. He wandered into the living room to find a minion with a similar attire to a coked up Gollum wearing a hoody and wig.
 
Moses must've been petrified. 

The crackhead was convinced that there were a group of drug dealers chasing after him. He was looking for a shelter, tried to barricade himself in, but instead, smashed a window on his way in, and then smashed a second for no apparent reason. Smart kid, ay? 

The crackhead had hold of my English cell phone and told Moses that they should call the police. 

"Yeah, that's a great idea." And with that Moses got on the phone straight away. 

Moses was trying his hardest to explain the situation to the police, all the while, the crackhead is wriggling the door lock to the French girl's (Ameli) room. Moses redirects him towards our bedroom. Before he knew it,the crackhead was jumping around looking for weapons for protection. He grabbed hold of one of my paint brushes, and held it like a sword. He then tried locking the door, thinking the sliding metal lock was a key. In no time, he was bouncing all over the beds, peering through the window, and pointing at imaginary people. 

"There they are, look!!" 

Moses (still on the phone to the police)... 

"I can't see them, no" 

The police were on there way. Moses tried to calm down the crackhead, and kinda played along with the 'barricade and weapon plan'. He offered the cracky a glass of water, as we tend to be polite hosts. 

Finally, the police arrived, and the weird geeza was taken away. Apparently he's a well known criminal in this area. How exciting. 

So that was a moment to cherish forever. 

Kevin popped over around 7-8am, and gave us a hand mending the Windows.as for the glass, even after two decent sweeps, we're still finding shards of glass over the bloody place. 

 It was nuts! 

Things have cleared up now... And as far as the crackheads go, we haven't come across any others yet. We may have to invest in a guard dog... Buy a cricket bat, or take it in turns to do night shifts. 

Disregarding the random break in, we've literally had the best time of our lives these past few weeks. The door to door knocking is a dog s*** job, but the people we've met through doing it has made it all the worth while. (I'll stop before this starts to get soppy). 

There are plenty more pictures to be uploaded to this blog!

Stay tuned folks! 

Quote of the Day

"Hello, I've put a pill in my bum."