I learnt a valuable lesson whilst being on this trip. If a hostel offer you rent free bikes.... immediately DECLINE. 

Fancied ourselves a nice trip up to the huge Redwood Forest in Rotorua. The nice man at the desk offered for us to use their bikes for free... Free bikes? Or pay $40 to hire... Be rude not to. 
The bikes were there... Ready and waiting... Like a couple of vicious dogs, ready to attack...

Sorry, whilst writing this blog, I look down, and there's a b****** bug making breakfast from my ankle. Drawn blood he has! Serves me right for being stingey... scrounging for free Wi-Fi outside. 

Anywho... Two bikes, two people, two suicide choices... Death by 'Mr No Brakes'... Or death by 'Frank the Crank'... 
Frank the Crank was my chosen option... Gears were f***ed, chain was chewed. We clonk along... okayish. Mo choosing his speed wisely, as I sound like a cement mixer behind him. Frank's okay till we reach this hill. Frank doesn't like hills. I change my riding technique to the 'arse up, high above the seat position'. Frank starts tripping out. Gears were clugging... But it was too late. SMACK. 

Those coconuts we were launching at rocks back in Rarotonga... Yeah similar to that... Only my lady region is the coconut, and the seat is the rock. I rearranged my moo moo, cracked my egg box... Hit the bone. Not sure if any of you ladies had ever experienced the 'bone hit'... But my word, it's not pretty. Lost my breath for a few moments. Think Moses was pretty confused, turning around to find me breathless, waddling around in circles, holding my crutch, and attempting to curse, but not actually saying any real words... 

I cried. The bike made me shed tears. 

 I've decided those bikes should've been melted a long time ago, in Satan's f***ing toilet pot. I'm angry. Rant over. 

Mum, I'm sorry for using bad words. 

Disregarding the bike injury, and the wild goose chase to find the pinnacle of Redwoods. The view was stunning. Breathtaking... but not in the "I've just smacked my genitals on a bike seat" kind of way... But more of the "I would like to glide through this forest like E.T" kind of way. 

The forest was beautiful. We could see crazy amounts of huge fern trees, geysers, the geothermal pools, the villages, so much!! The pain disappeared for a few moments... Until I realised we had to ride back on those sodding bikes. Moses kindly switched with me... not entirely sure that was a wise choice... (I'm sure Alison and Ivan would agree). But it's okay... We got back in one piece... I changed my riding technique to the 'one cheek on, one cheek off' position, and Moses still has his nuts. WHEY!! 

We decided we'd earned ourselves a Nandos. Cheered us right up! After Nandos we walked to the 'Pig and Whistle' pub, where there was a live band jamming out in the garden tent. They were so funny! Playing some absolute gems! Bob Marley, Rolling Stones... Some western songs I've never heard of before... But they were awesome. Had so much character. We took our time with our drinks as they weren't cheap... I could just about afford a packet of peanuts too, so we stayed a little longer. 

The next day I decided to visit a Maori Village called Whakarewarewa (pronounced fa-ka-re-wa-re-wa). Moses didn't fancy it... So I went alone. Found it okay. Must've been about a 30minute walk there. There was this real hottie at the front desk for the tour.. Had all these Maori tattoos up his arm... the cheapest tour was $35... When I paid up, he only charged me $15. I'm an honest soul, so I told him... And asked if he'd made a mistake... Apparently not?! Was just feeling friendly? Maybe he was expecting me to buy him a drink with that extra money... Sod off! That's going towards another Nandos. Mwahaha!! 

We were greeted at the entrance to the village by one of the villagers who used to live there as a child. She was brilliant. Told us so much about the people and their spiritual beliefs. The village was so unique... like nothing I'd ever seen before. Surrounded by these geothermal pools, and sulphur pits. Our guide told us all the village secrets, and uses for different things. She showed us what the houses used to look like around 300years ago. They used the fern wood for timber, as that was the inky wood that could withstand the geothermal temperatures. 
The huge Maori Temples were shaped like the chief of the village, and was named after that chief. The structure was built to look as if the chief is bowing down to all, and welcoming villagers and visitors to enter. They used that building as the ancestor house, a place for happy times and sad times. Our guide, Sandra, told us that when a family member passes, they would all come together and spend three days and nights inside the ancestor house, to celebrate the life of that person. 
It seems the Maori Tribes were very spiritual and protective people... who sure know how to look after their women!!
Guys, take note... Before there was a bridge, the Maori men used to carry the women and children to the other side, walking through mud and s*** in order to please the ladies. They would also stay outside the house through the night to protect their families. How sweet :) 

Sandra (that's not her Maori name... I think I'd offend her if I tried to write that) showed us around the village, where the locals cooked their food and bathed. They use the thermal pools as bathing areas... They've created system so it's cool enough for them to bath and use it to provide minerals and moisture for their skin. The pools contain a lot of minerals, and a natural oil from the earth. The pools can also be used to relieve arthritis.There were smaller pools which we placed our hands in. Immediately I could feel how silky the water was!! Crazy soft! 
They had certain times when the locals used those pools... in the nude. Told us after we had all stuck our hands in there! Was tempted to hang about to see some Maori shlong... But that would be a bit inappropriate... Shame. 
Sorry Dad... I forget you're reading this...
 We then discovered how they cook their food... Using cloth, they wrap their vegetables up, fling it over the edge, veg hits the pool (which is around 90-95 degrees) they give it a whirl, 8mins maximum... Bish Bash Bosh... grubs up! Very healthy way of eating, as its steamed food. 
They had a similar way of cooking meat, only they place the meat in a wooden box to drain off the excess fat. 

We then had some time to walk around the village and speak to some of the locals. There was an impressive tattoo shop, full of beautiful designs. Maori tattoos are not like the s*** back home... These have true meanings. They tell a story... It's a journey of their lives, about their families, wars, religion, spirits and well-being. The ones that you see on the older generation, the tattoos on their faces represented the wars they had been in. Each time they had overcome a battle of some kind, this was tattooed on to their face. The rest of the tribe would recognise this and respect that warrior for what they had achieved. 
 I went into this wood and stone carving shop. Spoke to the gentleman who at the time was carving a face into this huge stone. He showed me some of his work (it was amazing), and we spoke about art together, shared our passions. I told I'm about us practicing sculpting out the soap bars, which he found funny, but agreed that it was a good way to practice. 
I don't wanna keep blabbering, but one of the pieces he showed me was this table. It was so gorgeous, I could've kissed it. The main section was of this huge bird with Paua shell embedded into the wings... Then in one of the wood holes, there was a tiny green lizard which he had carved as though it were climbing out of the wood. I loved it. 

Parents, I'm sorry... It's too big and expensive to send back as an Xmas pressie. But hey, it's the thought that counts ;) hehe. 

After walking round the village, there was a Maori Performance. Oh my God. It was bloody mental. But so good. The women were swinging their Poi Pois around to make them swing like bird wings, they paired up with the men, clacking (that's not a word, but it sounds appropriate for this) their sticks. They were so LOUD. Didn't have a flying saucer what they were chanting about, but their voices gave me mountains of goose bumps. They were so passionate. Smacking their arms and legs till they were red raw, stomping to make a base beat. Of course, they had to get the audience involved! Some people I'd met on the tour from Australia said that I had the biggest smile through the whole thing... What can I say? I enjoyed it. Would love to see it again. 

I carried on having a look around the village at some more geothermal pools, and headed back to the hostel. They had a BBQ and film on the go... So we chilled out there until we had to make our way to Rotorua Central, to catch the night bus at 11pm. 
Our bus was to be a 7 hour journey though the night. 2hours in, and the gear box decides to jam up. We were cold, in the dark... and delayed. When the other coach finally arrived, we had to transfer a s*** load of bags on to it... 

Whilst helping with the bags: 

 Quote of the Day

Gentleman carrying my bag over: "I'm gunna punch the next traveller I see!"

Me: "That's my bag you're holding..."