Messner is back on the air waves! Actually these aren't really air waves are they? More of an elaborate electronic series of pulleys, cams and conterweights that allows me to write banal entries of my travels to you, my adoring masses. So New Zealand has been left in my wake (note more like the big marauding wave than a function after a funeral, that would just be depressing). New Zealand was very nice but slower than a really slow rock ballad and so I am on my merry way home via a few stops of banter on the way. The first of which is here in deepest darkest Borneo. This is the Malaysian bit of Borneo and its a bit hard to explain the geography - have a look at a map you lazy cretins. Summary of banter: * Been to two orang utan sanctuaries - which was my main reason for coming here. Unfortunately the rules couldn't be bent enough for me to live my dream and bathe a dirty baby orang utan (complete with a vigorous towelling down and blow drying) - I bet I could have done that next door in Indonesia - officially number 1 in the corruption tables. One little fella made a bee line for Rosina - started to nibble her foot and relieve her of the contents of her pocket. Cue the man of the forest and Messner pitting their wits in a monumenal tug of war over a leaflet. I won. Got told off for kicking the naughty primate in the head though. * Climbing the largest mountain in South East Asia - Mount Kinabalu (4100m). Obviously a bit of a mince by Messner's standards but nice to tuck away in the archives. Won't be mentioning the fact I was beaten to the top by the youngest person to ever make it to the top - a 6 year old German. Apart to everyone I know on here of course. * Minding my own business and getting attacked by a local who tried to knock my head off with a flying kick. With me now being a veritable giant in Malaysia at a whopping 5 feet 10 inches he got my shoulder and hurt himself with the resulting 5 feet and 6 inch fall to terra firma. I'd like to explain more of this strange incident - but I really can't. * Explaining to Rose that 'thank you' in the local lingo is Terima Kasih (Teri-ma-car-zee). I nearly spat my milo out when you she recieved some food in a restaurant and proudly broadsided the waiter with 'Kamikaze'! * Going to a deserted theme park in Brunei on my birthday where they literally turned on a roller coaster / log flume when you turned up. Alton Towers is for queuing losers! * Marauding round the jungle in waist deep water at midnight with all manner of poisonous birds and beasts marauding round being generally venemous. Death or glory. So that's about it kiddas. Look out for the next instalment on the ITV sponsored, Chis Tarrant hosted 'Sweatathon 06' -please give generously. So until next time Kamikaze Messner xx