And so unbelievably, Messner is back in Beijing - sorry I mean Auckland, it is pretty hard to tell the difference I tell thee. After a flight via Dubai involving a session on valium and lather (again), trying to make friends in Dubai airport - where for some reason nobody wanted to hear the tales of a drowsy drunk - I made it. I was reunited with Rosina who may have had something to do with this drastic change of plan - but all this is just allegations and hearsa...

After having a crash course in how to spend copious amounts of money at a breakneck speed in Australia I decided my 10 days here were going to be filled with activities. My old friend thrift seems to have gone missing somewhere - I think he got packed on the wrong plane to Cairns and I've not seen him since. Activity number 1 - throw yourself out of a plane at 12,000 feet and pay to be petrified. Yes I swallowed a promise I made to myself many years ago (not...

Word to your mother from Brisbane, I'm pretty much at the end of the Australia bit of my trip, the part I have been least interested in on my whole itinerary and actually had a jolly good time. In the last week I went on a n over elaborate psychology experiment. They stick 11 strangers in a cramped 4 by 4 jeep for 3 days and send you out to raz around Fraser island which is made entirely of sand. My group included 7 Israelis, 2 English chavs and a Canadian. ...

Cairns - I only came here because I love those namesake piles of stones that tell me I am on the right track in the lake district. Images conjured up in the old minds eye of a flask of milky tea and a tuna butty looking over the fells. Imagine Messner's horror then that the place is actually full of 18 year olds on heat marauding round like electric warriors. After an interesting first night in my hostel which involved me introducing a Korean guy to snakebit...

Move over the dream, the hairy dream and even the uber dream - for New Zealand is here - and it is confirmed as the industrial billowing dream on a rather long and robust stick. I touched down in the land of the delta blues to be met by my darling daddio and Janet and our new friend - a campervan the size of a small Arab state. Cue 5 days of Messner ensconced in the back of the unwielding behemoth while my dad kept picking up German backpackers (despite my p...