When I close my eyes and everything I run into
Is stubbing me with bruises of memories of you...

Day 7

I awoke to another cold grey morning on the pacific coast, and once again took my good old time moving this morning. Something comes to mind to me about that old proverb about walking a mile in someones shoes... and by the way, I've been wearing the same socks for one week. Now tell me THAT doesnt stink! But back to the mile in the shoes thing. No wait, something else instead...

Today we ride North to San Fran. and at only about 100 miles we'll be there by lunch. it's cold today, and no sun. Low 50's I believe. Subtract another 5-10 degrees being on the motorbike. Brrrr. I actually broke open a pair of throw away hand warmers I brought along, that were given to me by the Ex. You see... these things, these pieces of life I am supposed to forget. A life I'm supposed to move on from. I cannot rid myself of all of these things. There was this movie from the 80's I believe called 'Somewhere in time' starring superman himself Christopher Reeve. The short of it was, He was a playwrite who wanted to go back in time to meet this beautiful girl through some sort of self hypnosis. His only problem was, after he DID manage to go back in time to be with this woman, he haphazardly had a coin in his pocket from the present (the future if you will) and at the moment when he was completely blissful with this woman, he accidently pulled out this coin, and it sucked him right back into the present/future. This is how I feel. I keep accidently bringing out these things and they remind me of the past with her.

I used the hand warmers, they lasted approximately 30 mins then I threw them away at the next gas station. There will be more of these "coins" in my future. it's inevitable.

It was cold and windy and the sun never shown the whole trip to the golden gate bridge. We did ride over it, you and me. its quite huge, and seems rather high. Higher then the Walt Whitman for example. I guess the most remarkable thing to me was the huge amount of people walking over the bridge, and the fact that there was NO TOLL going North. Finally a win for George. It can be the little things.

I pulled over to snap a few pics of the bridge and even Alcatraz. Wow does that place look small and solitary. But for such a small little island, it had an enormous presence about it.

My Ipod was on "lets f*** with george" overload today. Its just on a random sort of playlist but today specifically was blurting out painful songs. Sad songs. Songs that used to mean something at one time or another. Songs are powerful. I couldnt listen to ANY on my fateful ride back to PA after the breakup. It was way to painful to listen to anything. Sometimes it still is.

Sorry readers, today was a boring ride day which meant my mind was once again on overload. Ex-overload to be specific. Yes, Im thinking about HER again. Im not sure I ever really stopped. I got back to that walking a mile in someones shoes thing again from before.

Why does my motorbike trip now feel like some kind of heavy burden that I am supposed to bear? Riding solo, left to my own thoughts. This CAN'T be good. I mean, here I am, riding East now by the way in search of warmer and sunnier weather. Im starting to question my own actions. Did I F-up? Was I not nice enough? Perhaps I could have been kinder? gentler? Maybe I never showed her how much I loved her?

NO! I'm sure I did. I would kiss her for no reason, except only that I wanted to. And you must remember it was only days and weeks prior to the breakup that she looked at me with love in her eyes. Would smile that smile at me. Other people saw it too.

It was only months ago when we were flying back from New Zealand that she shed tears. Yes tears because she could not sit next to me on the airplane. She admitted it was silly. But this is how people in love act, is it not? We all do those silly things out of love. Isn't that part of what love is? Doing something for someone else willingly and unconditionally? I cared for this girl, I protected her, stood up for her, took care of her. I put her and her problems before my own. I WANTED to.

So how do we get rid of all of these "we" things once you are single again.

sigh

We're now in Sacramento. Its ALOT warmer here, and there is also sun. mid 80's I think. So much nicer. Even THIS fish knows when it's time to leave the ocean. I hated doing it, but sun and warmth won out over cold and grey. We'll now ride north up hwy 5 pushing ever closer to Oregon, and eventually Seattle. Where there is a 60% chance of rain when we get there. Oh well...

I remember the night she broke up with me so clearly like it was yesterday. Again, going back to the way she looked at me. There was so much love and happyness. Many people (myself obviously included) were just as shocked with the breakup. When I left early June to go back to PA for a visit and some band gigs, she was sad, the way she always got sad when I would leave. But she always knew I'd return, and there was never any reason to worry. I was hers, she was mine, end of story. But I'll never forget the look she gave me on the couch as I was ready to leave for Pa. it was that sort of 'please, dont go' look 'I'll miss you terribly' which always wrecked my gut. My insides always made me 2nd guess any time I had to leave her. But it was only temporary, I'll be back, she knew that. we both did. She also had recent surgery. Minor mind you , but still a bit incapacitating. So prior to my leaving that day, perhaps 2 weeks prior. I spent every day helping her. helping her to walk, helping her to the bathroom, helping her bathe, cleaning her, feeding her, and of course looking after the 2 year old. I didnt mind one bit. Going back to that whole love thing. I was actually pretty proud of myself. I remember one afternoon, I had fed her, cleaned her, made sure she had everything she needed, then took care of the baby, got her fed and cleaned and her favorite show on the tv or off to a nap. Then I had booked band gigs, and worked on progressing the movie. here I was moving and shaking and feeling pretty good about myself. I think I even worked out that day. I was high as a kite and pretty proud. But not overly proud or arrogant. Just happy in my state of being.

Sorry, I get off on tangents sometimes...

While I was in PA. I called her every day, it seemed that each day our conversations were getting less. but I thought of it as just a trick in my mind, nothing to be alarmed of surely.

The trip back to NM should have taken me 3 days. I was so excited to see her, I was going to do it in 2. I called her. It was a tuesday morning, early. To let her know that i would be arriving tonight and not wednesday. It was then my alarm went off. "Oh?" she said. That was it. Not excited, just "Oh?" I immediately joked as I often do in hopes to lighten the sudden uneasy feeling I just got, and said " I could drive slower if you'd like and come home on wednesday instead." She said NO. She mentioned how she was planning to go out with her girlfriend that night, and would now have to change her plans since I was coming home a day early.

Was this the same girl who didnt want me to leave? or cried when she couldnt sit next to me on the plane? or asked for only me when she got out of surgery? Or was SO happy to see me after my Alaska/Canada trip that when she hugged me she wouldnt let go for hours?

Something wasnt right

Sorry dear readers, if you really dont want to read this crap, then just stop now. But I gotta get all of this out every way I can, its just eating me up inside.

I arrived "home" in New Mexico at about 11PM that tuesday night. I texted her to let her know I was outside, and she came out the front door. I expected a huge hug, and got barely a one armed one. She seemed to really force even that. It didnt sit well with me at all. When you feel something inside your gut so bad, you know it has to be true.

I joked slightly about the hug, She just blew it off as not feeling well. Ok I guess... hmmmm

My gut told me different. This didnt sit well with me for the next 2 days. Something was wrong, though every time I brought it up, she blew it off as silly...or ridiculous...

The next morning when I awoke. Ashley was already in the living room with Lilly. I snuck down the hallway so Lilly wouldnt hear me, then made a tapping sound on the wall in a playful way, and once Lilly saw me she almost leaped into the air like superman and landed in my arms. SHE was happy to see me.

When Sam (Ashleys mom) got home from work. SHE gave me a huge hug as well.

Something is definitely wrong

I remember sitting at the dinner table that night joking about these things. Ashley not finding it funny, and still telling me that I was being ridiculous. Sam agreed and added how much Ashley loves me and thinks the world of me.

But my gut was telling me different. WAY different

Later that night it was about 10PM and Ashley was being super silent towards me. Weird, but thats my new life now back in New Mexico....WEIRD. I remember trying to kiss her...nothing. I leaned over to touch her. She winced away. She said she just didnt want to be touched right now. GUT is now on fire.

She asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. Of course I answered, that sounded like fun and my old girlfriend again. She had to go off to the bathroom, and whn she returned back into the bedroom, my GUT spoke out.

"Are you sure nothing is wrong? Cause I feel like something is terribly wrong."

Thats when she said She wanted me to leave. You cant imagine the shock of hearing that. We had no fight, no argument, nothing was wrong, well other then the bad gut feeling. What happened here?

She wanted to be alone, on her own, no more boyfriend. Claimed she still loved me. I always hated that one. Told me to pack up my things and leave, she said she was sorry but her mind was made up.

We spent the next few hours talking. Im sorry, that's wrong. *I* spent the next few hours talking, mostly asking, pleading, anything to get a real answer. Just like this, you want me gone? I never cheated, I never lied, or hit you or was mean or anything.

I'll never understand

And THAT dear readers is the punch line to the worst joke I've ever heard.

She claimed she still loved me...she admitted she was being selfish

I remember telling her that she was breaking my heart. I also remember her looking at me in shock and saying She never wanted or meant to do that.

Does one ever MEAN to?

It was pouring that night. Insult to injury. It was also now almost 1am. I looked about the place not knowing how I was supposed to pack up my stuff. My head reeling like I was hit by 10 mack trucks. There was no thinking straight. I remember calling a few friends, and probably not making much sense. How could I make sense?

I collapsed on the bed and slept there....alone.

When I woke up, Sam was gone. Lilly was gone. Ashley was on the couch. I went over to her like creeping through a land mine field. I asked her "Are you sure this is what you want?" All she said was "sorry, yes"

sigh

you know dear readers. the wierdest part of all of this? She never cried. She didnt even LOOK sad. Im not saying she wasnt, Im just telling you that there was no remorse on her face what-so-ever. I had become an inconvenience. I was no longer being cried over in an airplane, or though of after surgery, or held tight after a long motorbike trip. I was none of these things anymore

Is the measure of a man, measured by the woman he is with? If so, I was barely an inch tall.

I read this today:

the mark of a mature man is certain of scars he bears. The memory of a perfect woman never won, or of a once true-love forever lost. However much he may love you, he is only here because she is not.

298 miles today

1,678 total

I cannot rid my brain, my thoughts, my heart, my life of these things. Im trying dear readers, but its so hard.

If I gotta get over you, I gotta get over every piece that puzzled you and me
If I gotta get over you, I gotta get over feeling my heart and tasting and seeing
If I gotta get over you, I gotta get over Earth, Wind, and Fire
Change the soap in the shower
If I gotta get over you, I gotta get over singing this song for hundreds of hours