2 years ago today my life got flipped around and two new paths were placed infront of me for me to choose from. I could of taken either one and to be honest I found myself wanting to go the other way many times throughout this new journey I'm on but I'm better than that, giving up and just excepting my new body the way it is always was the easy route but I'm choosing to fight and make a better life for myself regardless of how my body is now. Exceptence has always been a hard thing for many people and I am certainly no different....the difference is I struggled to except what the surgeons and doctors were saying was the truth and knew that they were just telling me statistics that they had to say to cover themselves. That was fair enough but I wanted to prove them wrong regardless of this so I set about my own ways dealing with my own recovery and listening to my own body instead of working off a bit of paper with figures and stats on. I learnt very quickly that my new body was gonna take getting use to and it will take a while to adapt and figure out how to use it without doing more damage. 2 years on and ohhhh how life has changed.

For those of you that never read any of the previous blogs, welcome and thank you for reading this. Before the crash I was just training a lot in mma (mixed martial arts) and just working at home on the grounds as a gardener/labourer. Life was very easy and that was maybe not a good thing. I felt I was not pushing hard enough to better myself and help with my progression in work, relationships or life really. I was sitting back alot of the time, that's what it felt like looking back, at the time I was happy as a pig in s***, lovely life, lived in the perfect place with a perfect easy job and doing my hobby 5 times a week pretty much, why would I want to change hey, but where was I going doing that? These are questions you ask yourself after you come close to speaking with the big fella or potentially loosing limbs etc. These are very real wake up calls and painful ones at that but sometimes we are thrown a curveball to see how we can deal with it and we have to adjust our swing to still get the home run.

My curveball came 2 years ago on that bike ride that didn't even make it out of my home town. Knocked off by someone that was not paying attention (I still think he knew more about what was going on than he would ever admit but that's another story) and ripped my leg in half from top to bottom, losing mass amount of tissue, muscle, blood and bone. Laying on the road just looking down at the massive open wound, it looked like my leg was in half and I could see all the insides (its because it was in half and the insides were now on the outside). I honestly went into a dream like state, I kept saying I would wake up in a minute, this wasn't real, what just happened etc. The reality hit me after about 30 seconds after I managed to drag myself to the side of the road out of the traffic. My brain was starting to receive the pain and man was it the worst thing I have ever felt, I was loosing so much blood I could feel it draining me. I don't speak about this experience to much if I'm honest because it is hard. A voice in my head was just saying to sleep and the pain will stop but as I remember clear as day, when I would close my eyes and start to feel all dark, warm and peaceful, another voice would just shout at me saying to wake up, that my time wasn't just yet, to young to die. I genuinely felt as though I was dying and I told the lady who was there on that roadside that I was going, it's the strangest feeling when your in so much pain like that and something just tells you to sleep. I kept thinking whilst led there, imagine my parents getting that call that I'm dead, imagine how they would feel, don't let them get that call is how I felt so I stayed awake for as long as I could....I kept fighting that voice. I was having flashbacks of my family and friends and happy memories, it really was not a nice time. Once the ambulance crew arrived they pumped me full of drugs and then some. I knew I was in a bad way and my leg was hanging off pretty much but I kept thinking that I can't be that bad, I'm still alive right. The hardest thing I have had to deal with so far but man it makes you more grateful for life and your family and friends. A painful curveball this one I think but one that's changed me as a man, a family member, a friend, a partner and a student of life. Being told I was pretty much gonna have the leg removed that night something in my brain just said "nopey nope nope, ain't happening doc". I had toooo many people to kick with this leg and places to go, I still do....just the kicking bit is not really the part I mean anymore, kind of hard these days. Again this exceptance issue was popping up. In denial, stubborn, arrogance or just believing in a different story to theirs? You decide. Either way they saved my leg using large parts of my back and skin from my other leg and no other surgeries were done to rebuild the structure of the bone that went missing. It was all purely cosmetic to save the leg and they would reconstruct and sort the bone loss at a later date. That date has still not arrived. As you might of been aware I was awaiting a donor leg to match mine for bone and ligament transfer. The risk of infection with an operation of this nature is huge and the sign of any infection will result in the leg potentially having to be amputated above the knee. The fact I could still end up with no leg haunts me hence why I have decided against this operation in the near future. I believe that technology is only moving forward and they will think of something else they can do with me at a lot less of a risk. For now I will do what I can with what I got and keep driving forward.

In the last blog back in November I mentioned "onto the next chapter" well this chapter started with a new lady in my life. She won't be to embarrassed as I pre-warned her I would be writing about this. I met Carrie through training and we bonded from that. Carrie is actually away traveling the world at the moment. She returns in August, a couple of weeks before I go off to Florida for 3 weeks with my buddies to have a much needed holiday (thanks to my awesome friend, you know who you are). She is a vet nurse and all round cool chick really and we share alot of the same interests and have good banter and that's all that matters to me, got to have good banter. I won't say anymore about her cause I don't want to embarrass her to much, although I could easily yap on about her I won't cause I'm nice like that. So that was an unexpected but very pleasent start to this new chapter and next stage of my journey and may it continue to be this pleasent and lots of good things to come, she will also be there to beat me up from time to time when I need it...or when she feels like it.

I am in the final 2 months of college which is hard to believe considering I only started last September. It's a 2 year course done all in 9 months pretty much. It's been intense, alot more workload than I first expected but to be honest, I've enjoyed it and I have worked hard at it to get the best result possible. I'm on track for a distinction but I will push for a distinction star if I can. I've learnt a great deal and hopefully can use my new skills to get me some work and help me change my career and get back into a job after my next operation (cosmetic leg work in September). Going back to work after over 2 years off will be very strange and hard to get use to. I'm a bit nervous because I do suffer with quite a lot of knee pain in both knees now and I can't be in one position to long or they seize up and cause huge amounts of discomfort so I have to be very aware of this when looking into jobs. Either way I look forward to new challenges and lessons. Other quick little notes since the last blog, my sister Faye got married in a very interesting way, a tv show called Celebrity Wedding Planner was the reason it was made interesting. The programme will be on in June/July on channel 5 so keep an eye out for that, they might even show my face on there!! I'm leaving Lyday (where I have lived for 7 years now) and it's gonna be hard, anyone that knows this place or even seen the pics knows how special it is, also the 2 cats I'm leaving behind have become apart of me now so that's gonna be heartbreaking hence the advert for them on Facebook. They need a good home. New knee brace, feel like robocop but it's great. Eastwest Muay Thai has moved gyms now and so the future is wide open for that and I'm just trying to keep fit and healthy basiclly. All fun and change at the moment for sure.

The legal side of things is still up in the air. I'm having a private crash investigator look into my case at the moment so alot is riding on his findings. As I've said before it's so frustrating that I have to rely on other people's opinions and educated guesses to what happened when I know what happened but that holds no weight sadly. It's like being a kid when your actually trying to tell the truth but your parents won't believe you and you actually get really upset because you want them to believe you. It's like that same frustration and pain but I can not do anything about it. I wish sometimes I made up a crazy story and then my conscience would tell me to just say the truth but the truth is exactly what happened and no other if's or but's about it. The story was the same as the event on the day and nothing has been added or taken away. It was what it was, he came across the line and hit me. Simple. I get angry knowing that he is led in bed not thinking about it and getting on with his life with no care in the world and I'm left to deal with the result of his actions from that day. It pains me that he can't admit it or let his insurance company know to stop fighting mine and just tell the truth. He knew he did wrong, I know he does. That's enough about that anyway. Short version....I'm still waiting. This is a short poem I wrote about how it feels sometimes when I think of the whole thing.... An unknown face, That can cause this much pain, Such a disgrace, For not taking the blame, Left in that place, Things will never be the same, An open space, I hope you feel shame, Now for the chase, To put you in the frame, Building some pace, I'm getting tired of your name, Show some grace, And put an end to this game!

I'm gonna be amazed if many people read this but like I always say, I've done it for me as a journal or online diary because maybe one day I can pass this onto someone who maybe goes through similar things and this can be a reflection of how I've dealt with it and how things in my life have changed as a result of the crash. This might just encourage them and help them realise that ok, things are different but different can be made to work just as well...and sometimes for the better. Just know that whatever it is your going through that you have the choice to make it better, it is entirely up to you and you alone to make something of it. Don't feel sorry for yourself cause trust me that won't do nothing for your healing or mindset, just get your head down and move forward. It's all about going forwards. Sympathy is not good for the soul. Dig into that deep spirit and just smile and say in your best Bob Marly voice "everyting gonna be alreeet" and just know that it will be. It's all about positive mental attitude.

I know this can seem deep alot of this but I am a deep kinda guy anyway so that is no surprise and I am not ashamed to share my emotions with people who read this. When people see me out they would not know about my leg by just looking at me because of the way I cover it up or the way I walk now, my walking has improved thanks to braces and confidence in the leg. I sometimes forget about it and then that's when it reminds me, it will give way or just scream pain at me. I try my best to keep this all under wraps and not tell many people cause it's just boring to them and so they don't need to hear about it. I keep smiling most of the time but I'm not gonna lie, it hurts everyday, both knees are ruined now and my shoulder pain increases with any activity but I can not sit there and do nothing so I go to the gym to keep active and stay loose, I've heard to many stories of people after an injury putting on loads of weight an getting worse....I can NOT be one of those people, no offence if you have done this but I will not allow myself to get into a place like that. My pains are part of daily life but I have accepted that and I know maybe I try and push myself to hard sometimes to stay in the best shape I can but if I didn't I would be even less of a pleasure to be around ;-) so staying healthy is my goal aswell as learning new skills, new hobbies, meeting new people and seeing more of this world. I can not set any real long term goals (not that I ever have) because of future surgeries I am due to have so all my goals are short term goals and realistic ones. This keeps me going and it gives me a drive to just keep bettering myself and not falling onto that other path I said about at the beginning.

I want to be the best I can be with what I have. I want to be the best friend, brother, uncle, son, partner, companion, fighter, trainer, pair of ears, shoulder to cry on and best person l can possibly be. I try to improve on things I know I can work on, I leave the things I know I can't, why waste energy doing that when you can focus on the things you have power over. I've learnt so much about myself in the last 2 years and I have also learnt so much about other people. I'm stronger now than I was when I was competing and completely healthy, I know more about the body now aswell which is a bonus I guess. I know more about people than I did and know the power of true friendship, family and love. Never underestimate your family or friends love, when your down...they are the ones who are there to put their hands under you and gently push you back up (the reason I don't say pull you up is because that makes it feel like they are forcing you up, it should never be like that, we should gently guide people not force people to do things or to help them...unless it is completely necessary of course). If I didn't have them all around me the way I do then I wouldn't be the man I am today. Also my faith in the bigger picture and understanding that there is something much bigger than us out there helps me get strength. I am not a religious man but a spiritual one. I don't preach to anyone, it's a very personal thing as I think it should be. I pass my problems, thoughts, worries, anger and pain over to the powers that be and I find peace there too. Call it what you want but to me, I would be lost without it, whatever IT maybe.

So I had a tiny bit of movement in my foot as some of you may have seen from my very excited Facebook status the other week. Lets just say I was very happy to see that for sure. I will wiggle it everyday now and try to get a bit more out of if. Something is going on in my leg, I like to think of it as positive mental attitude mixed with biology all mixed in a bowl and then we get results. Whatever it is, I like the thought of my leg rehealing itself. So that was a happy night for sure. Picked up the keys for my new place yesterday that I will be calling home for a year with my good buddy Karl, sharing to save some money so it should be fun, two years on and a whole new start............Forward maaaarch!!!

Thank you for reading this, I hope you didn't find it to boring but I wouldn't expect you to find it super interesting either, I just hope that one day someone in the same position or worse will read this and find some strength or hope from it and just know that things will be ok as long as you make it ok. If it helps one person then I'm happy. This is not the end of my journey, still have many many chapters to go but with the team of people I have behind me and the love and support they give, I can do anything. Peace and love to all who read and keep smiling, everyone loves a smile. I'm outta here, I'm going to attempt SWIMMING for the first time since the crash, I'm gonna look like a robocop scuba diver though with all my braces but I don't care anymore ....oh how I missed the water. Wish me luck. Peace out!!

Stu x