So it has been over 2 months since the last blog update. I have not updated it for a while because i did not have the desire to. I don't know why, I just didn't. I feel alot of change has happened since that time. Not just physically but mentally too. It is nearly 7 months since the crash now and every now and then I think about it as if it was yesterday. I can't help it, it is like a memory card inserted deep into my body. I'm constantly reminded of it daily from the moment I look at my leg to the moment I stand and move. I know I will one day grow to just forget about it and think of it as a normal part of my body but whilst I know I have 2-3 more operations on it then I know it's still going to effect me in a very real way. Sometimes though it might be the opposite and I might totally forget about it and try something like throw a sidekick whilst in the kitchen...I know that's not normal for most of you but I use to throw kicks all the time in the house when I was alone. Was good for keeping flexible, but now it's just a very stupid idea and is not recommended for people with 1/3 of the the knee missing. I do still get the odd flashbacks and for some reason it's normally in the moments just as I'm about to fall into a dreamy sleep, that time just as you find the sweet spot on the pillow and know your going to be a gonna in a matter of seconds. Well, thats the time it hits me. I hear the smash and feel the impact on my leg and then the bouncing and rolling down the road without any control of my body, it's as though I was there again. I feel all the thoughts come flooding in all over again but I try to remember that it's not happening and it's just my brain telling me that I was a very lucky young lad. It suddenly makes you appreciate life and to think about a few things. Things like capturing all the small things and hold them close to my heart instead of all the superficial stuff. As the thoughts leave my head I finally get to sleep but some dreams I have are pretty strong reminders, things like being on a bike or attempting to run or something to do with my legs. Funny how the brain works sometimes. This is defiantly a character building stage of my life thats for sure.

I wrote most of that last paragraph over 2 months ago and I was thinking of taking it out but I re-read it and thought no, it's part of my journey so it's staying in, I just changed a few dates etc. I'm glad I kept it because it's nice to know how much has changed within that month. I feel very different to what I did a couple months back. I've almost been given a second wind. This could be down to my progression, my faith, my attitude or just the fact that the journey is an ever changing one. Either way, I feel different.

It is hard to remember everything that has happened in the last couple of months. A lot has happened. I have the date for my next operation, that is the biggest news I guess. It is on the 2nd of December in Bristol. I wrote about the operation in the last blog but if you can not remember then here is a very quick version of what they are doing. They are taking a donor leg and using everything from that leg that I am missing (right side of the the bone and ligaments) and bolt it all into my leg. It's a major operation and not been done like this in the country many times at all. My surgeon told me that the Canadians have had a couple of success stories so that's great to hear. The risk is that my body might reject the other bone or ligaments. Also the lifting of my lat muscle on the leg is a bit of a risk also as it's still fairly new and all the vessels are still being produced. It's not an operation I am looking forward to for a couple reasons. The main one being that I am going to be so immobile again. The last couple months I've experienced some freedom. I have been going to the gym 3 times a week to rebuild my upper half back up to a normal strength, I have been on a push bike once or twice, I have walked around and done normal things with my friends and family and I have loved it. I even went up to the lakes and watched Meggy attempt to water ski, but I think the water wanted her more that day. I just sat in the boat and laughed at them all fall over. Also a shout out to Kerst for being pulled the furthest just using her body as a board. She nearly swallowed the lake on the first attempt mind, but she gave it another blast and did well. It's been great freedom and I just know that I will be off my feet for a while and I can not push myself to much after the next operation because of the nature of what's being done inside my leg. It will be a very hard journey this next stage. Thanks to my amazing family and friends around me I know I will be fine. I have faith in the surgeons, I have absolute faith in them. If they thought it wouldn't work then they would not even consider it. They feel like I am a good person to practice on anyway so that's a compliment to me I guess. They need practice and I need a knee. We were made to meet each other in a roundabout way.

In other news from my life, Megs is well underway into her studies at uni now and is working hard everyday at getting a bigger brain. We have pictures up all over the kitchen of hearts, tongues, jaws and nerves etc. I think she is trying to make me learn something really. Either way she is doing well. Mum and Andy are still running me round most of the time and putting up with me. I have a new foot drop brace made from carbon fibre. It is a lot better than the original one because it gives me more spring in my step, no pun intended. The picture at the top of this blog is the brace, it looks like something Batman would wear. I have sold some of my martial arts equipment. This was a huge step for me. I wanted to keep it as a reminder of what my body can do so I could heal quicker but I thought I don't need that to know what my body is capable of, so the extra pennies come in handy. I've been back down the club the last few weeks holding some pads for the guys. It's been really good for me to be honest as it's keeping my mind active during the day thinking of new drills, thinking of everything I learnt out in Thailand and showing the guys something different. I think they have been enjoying it, but again, it all changes in just under a month when I go under the knife as they say. I'm using this time I'm having now as a goal setter for after my op. Although I can only go as fast as the doctors want me to go this time as it's a very fragile procedure they are doing and nobody knows the healing time or to be honest, nobody knows a lot about what's going to happen. Guinea pig Stu will have to wait and see. At least I know it will be over crimbo so I will be fed well. I had decided to buy myself a posh camera. I have always been into photography in a way. I've never taken it seriously or looked into studying it but I have always enjoyed taking pictures. I enjoy creating odd angles and capturing that moment you might forget. So I thought with all this time off there is no point just getting good playing the Xbox and going to the gym, I might aswell study something. So photography was the natural most realistic thing for me to go to. I was due to start a basic course but then my op date had to be moved so I couldn't start it this year. I bought the camera after a long time researching and trying to find the best deal. I finally found it and the day it arrived was the day I realised that my brain has not studied anything for a long time. Just reading about certain things made my head want to blow up. So as time has passed I've just been picking bits up as I go along. So when I'm able to get to a course next year I should find it easier to understand. I have more of a passion for capturing 'that' moment now since my crash. I found that anything can be taken from you at a seconds notice and it makes you realise that a lot of things are not that important in life really. Only a certain handful of things should be kept close to your heart. Those are the things I like to try and capture with a camera and that's why I want to study it to help get the best shots.

The police officer came to my house and did his interview. He told me there was a risk that both myself and the driver might get prosecuted with driving with undue care and attention because of the nature of how the crash happened. I understood that but struggled to see how I could be done for that. I also felt like the police officer was almost sticking up for the driver as he was a retired police officer aswell. Anyway a month after that interview I got a letter saying no further action was being taken with me or the driver. I was pretty angry after I had been told that the driver had his hand over his face just before he crashed into me....now how is that not driving with undue care and attention!! One hand on the wheel, one hand on his face and drifting across the line? I was pretty angry and upset so I called my solicitor and had a chat. It will end up in civil court now and all my solicitor has to do is prove 1% liability and then it's good news. Either way it's going to take a long time to get anywhere near that stage. So I just leave it to the clever clogs and sit back and wait for news.

A lot of people the last few weeks have been asking me "how do you feel about the next operation?". At first I was fine with it and gave it not a lot of thought. As time is drawing closer, I do feel different towards it. I am scared, I am nervous as hell but I'm also excited. I'm looking forward to the future, I'm looking forward to showing the surgeons how clever and amazing they are. I'm looking forward to being a successful guinea pig, a guinea pig that shows other guinea pigs how guinea pigs can be winners. Guinea pig power I say. I'm not looking forward to the early stages of healing, the mobility issues, the pain, the being looked after and all the little things I didn't like before. I know this is different but I can't help my feelings sometimes. Like I said though, I'm looking forward when I can start making that progress and start feeling like I have a stable knee again. Now I understand I won't be jumping around for a while but never say never. I like surprising surgeons, doctors and nurses so this next op won't be no different in my mind. Healing is a very mental game. Yes it's obviously a physical one too but I believe it's more mental. With the wrong attitude, the wrong mind set, it's going to take forever. With a positive, fighting attitude, it's endless to what your body can do. I learnt a lot from my crash. It's a shame I had to be in this position to learn those lessons but that's my journey. It takes a national tragedy, family heartache and plenty of other hard times to make people question their life, their beliefs and what they are doing. Why is my question? Why does it take such a hard hit of reality to open some people's minds and make them realise. I'm not perfect by any means but I have learnt not to wait for those bad times to make a change in me. I try to make changes all the time. Changes in attitude towards people, not to judge, to have an open heart etc etc. So many different things to list. Yes I am not good at a lot of them yet but that's why it's called change. It's not meant to be easy but it gets you out of that rut of thinking the same way all the time. I hope this makes sense to you as it does to me. Lessons can be learnt but why wait for a tragedy to learn them. Open minds are healthier.

I will be doing another blog when I awake after my operation. In hospital it's a good time to do it. Plenty of time on my hands etc, plus the drugs they give me make an interesting read. Thank you to all of you who still support me in this road trip I'm on. I know it's not easy to deal with me sometime but your all doing awesome. Thanks to everyone that drives me around all the time. There are a few of you so you know who you are. Thanks for all the nice messages you still send, I might not reply sometimes but I do appreciate them so thank you. Hope you have enjoyed this latest update and thanks for reading. Don't wait for your tragedy to open your mind! Open it up now.

Stu x