To start with, I'm writing this first part on Nov 7th 2012, the rest is from May all the way to today in random parts. It still is all relevant but is part of my process. I've done some changing for sure. Enjoy.

I've not done a blog in a long time but I feel I want to write a few things down and get them off my chest, not for sympathy or attention, but just because it helps me in my process of dealing with things. This is only going to be a short one because it's not planned or I don't have my notes wrote up like I normally would. So I'm still waiting for a donor leg to become available for the next stage of operations and recovery etc. Let's just say I'm becoming very good at waiting for certain things these days. For obvious reasons I'm very scared about that operation. I have manged to get quite a lot of mobility back thanks to my braces I wear on a daily basis. They have given me freedom to move around at my own pace under my own power without using sticks or any other hand held aids. So thinking of loosing all that again is a very scary concept that I am not looking forward too but I know it's for the best...I hope. Now the reason I wanted to start this blog mainly was to just get the stress off my chest about my injuries and how they were starting to effect my daily life. I assumed my leg would give me the most problems due to the nature of the injuries but in recent months it has actually been my shoulder that has given me the most pain and discomfort on a daily (more like hourly) basis. Where they had to remove my back and rib muscles to replace my lost muscle and tissue from my leg it has left me with a big imbalance on my right hand side. You imagine a stretched out piece of elastic and keep that tension on it for 27 years and then cut it all of a sudden. My body is trying to deal with that still. It's trying to over compensate and over work and sadly it's causing me alot of pain and is really uncomfortable at most times of the day and night. I have now been back at Physio for about 3 weeks since starting this blog (I add a bit here and there so it's never really accurate on time) and they have now decided to tape my shoulder blades to try and stop my posture going off as that's one of the reasons I'm struggling. Enough whining about the injuries. I don't normally winge so these blogs for me are just a release of the thoughts I have daily. I'm not bothered if people don't even read these but it's more of a journal on my journey.

Well I wrote that first paragraph a while ago now and I'm in better spirits that that for sure. Yes it's tough but you just crack on don't you. Can't change the outcome so no point feeling sorry for myself hey. I can't even begin to write down what's happened since the last blog. I've been as busy as I can be. I'm officially a student now and start college in 1 weeks time and that will be a 1 year course in creative media production (making, editing videos etc). It's something I really enjoy doing and think it will be good to study it while I am still not at work. Hopefully it will lead to other things and maybe into a career. We will see in time. I know my brain is going to take some time into getting use to the study mode, it has been over 11 years after all. I am looking forward though. I have been super active with the Thai boxing gym and helping the guys out with the sessions and cornering etc. Also I have managed to get more experience in the judging department (judging mma events) thanks to Paul Sutherland. I'm really enjoying that. I have just started filming video blogs for Che Mills who is a local guy fighting in the UFC. It's good camera time for me and also as a fan of the sport to watch how a professional fighter prepares for his fights. Just because I can't compete anymore, still doesn't mean I'm out of the game, I'm just playing a different part of the game that's all.

When it comes to the crash side of things and the legal jargon, everything is still up in the air because the turd that knocked me off is still denying liability. If there is one thing I am learning about legal stuff is that the truth doesn't really count. It's so hard leaving a situation that only really a couple of people know about in the hands of a lot of people that are all "guessing and assuming" they know that happened. To be honest my legal team are perfect and I couldn't ask for a better team to look after me but it's a few others that are causing the problems (police crash investigator, opposite insurance company, the muppet that hit me). What can you do though hey. Get on with life to the best of my able abilities for now until the next stage of either my health or the legal rubbish.

I wasn't going to write it down but I think maybe I need to because these blogs are all about documenting my journey I suppose and this is a huge huge part of my journey so far. Me and megs are no longer a couple. We are still very close to each other and still care for each other like we always have but not as a couple we both needed to spread our wings in different directions and see where life would take us on our own journeys. We will stay close, still be there for each other and always have that love for one another. Alot of people were shocked because me and megs do suit each other very well but she will say the same, we needed a change in our relationship and test ourselves in different waters. I needed to focus on what I was going to move onto, learn some new skills while I have all this time off. Megs is a very busy lady and needs to focus all her energy on her Uni work at the moment. So the timing isn't right for us both but already I have got off my bottom and got onto a college course for video production which I am due to start in September. I am looking forward to that as it will give me new focus and a new drive to succeed at something. I like a challenge so being surrounded by 16-18 year olds is a good challenge for sure. Megs has already completed her first year at Uni with very impressive marks so all good for her aswell.

This blog is all over the place as I fill a bit in from week to week. I started this one over two months ago from the first paragraph. I have just today started college. I am now officially registered as a disabled student. Oh how life has changed in the last 17 months. I think my brain feels like it is about to explode. Going back to studying after 12 years is hard to be honest and it's a 2 year course condensed into 1 year so it's quite intense and a bit more work load than I originally thought but you know me, I like a challenge and this is definitely one.

Once again I'm adding to this blog 3 weeks on from the last paragraph. I'm settling into college, not quite blending in with the spotty, slick haired, tight jean wearing young cool kids but I feel a bit more comfortable being in the same place as the lil pesky kids. It's hard work not having a lot in common with them but hey, it was my choice to do a course so I have to adapt......and adapting to things I do quite well I think. I'm heading on a studio trip in the morning to the Harry potter studios in London with the college for an educational trip but I think I might be like a kid with all the sets around me and camera equipment. Might get to excited and get chucked out for trying to use the cameras. Should be a good laugh.....and of course educational!!

Why as humans are we capable of giving the rawest, most unconditional love ever felt but then on the other hand be the cruelest, meanest most harsh species on the planet.

November 7th 2012.
So in the last 2 weeks I've had a lot of mental changes happening. I found out a friend I trained with a few years ago passed away suddenly and that was a bit if a shock to the system and put a huge amount of things into perspective. He died suddenly whilst out on a run. Matty was a true gentleman and a genius. You will be missed by many mate. Had the funeral today and was tougher than I thought. Also I've been been exposed to some interesting people lately that have helped me look at things in a very different light. I've opened up my mind to new things and new ways of thinking. I feel more alert and aware of everything around me and the decisions I make day to day. There is a speech by Steve Jobs and it inspired me in the way I think and feel about things. It made alot of sense in the fact it's fitted perfectly with the way I already think about things. Let death be your biggest motivation in life, it's that simple. Life can be taken from you at any time, whilst riding your bike or going for a run. How do you want to be remembered if you went tomorrow? Now that may seem a bit morbid but the truth is it's not, it's the truth. You have to live for the moment because that moment can change just like that, it really can. As Steve Jobs says, never settle, always try to grow, don't do things that don't make you happy, if there is something you want to do, let death be the motivation to do it. Stay hungry, stay foolish and never settle.

Legal things are moving forwards and I've had a private medical done in London and had the paperwork back from that now and that was a hard read. Seeing my story and condition wrote down in black and white by someone I don't know is really odd. I'm stuck right in with college now and it's getting super hard. Brain implosion!! My sister has just popped out another little beauty of a girl. Number 9 of the niece and nephew count. Bloody crimbo is getting expensive guys so stop firing these kids out haha. Kerstin and Paul are also first time parents to big Alfie so that's awesome. I'm just cracking on and enjoying this new mindset. Learning new things about me and other people is really quite interesting. If you do ever read this blog (which I will be amazed at if you do) then I'm sorry it's all over the place. Thanks for the love and support still. Onto the next chapter of my life. Bring it on!!!