Well well well, I have been pretty lazy when it comes to keeping up with the blog the last month. I can't believe that it's gone so quick. I know a few of you have been asking for it the last week or two so I do apologise for my pure lack of effort but I promise you I have been making up for it in the healing part of this long old process. A lot has happened in the last month and I can't remember what and when it all took place etc so this blog will be all over the place. No different to the others then really. Alot to catch up on so less of the chit chat.

So after the last blog went out I went down to Frenchay for my MRI scan. I have had CT scans and Xrays but never an MRI. I was taken into this room and what looked like a huge doughnut just stood there and looked rather scary and not at all inviting. They get you led down on the little bed and put headphones on you and then give you a panic button to press incase you loose your marbles while getting slowly placed inside the huge doughnut. When you are in position they start the machine up. They ask you to lie as still as you can for 20 mins while this beast makes all sorts of noises that don't sound safe at all. I was glad when it was all over anyway. When I got home it was a sunny day and I felt as though I needed to do something active. I went to the garage and found my push bike. I tried to sit on it but my knee was not quite ready to bend that high. I did some more stretches that night as it was my new goal to sit on the push bike and do a small lap of the van. I know that does not sound a lot to you but to me that was a huge leap....and also a bit stupid to even think I was ok to cycle a bike only 3 months in...you know me by now. The next day I decided to go shopping with the lads as I wanted some new shorts to wear that covers a bit of my leg. Now the day itself was great fun. My first time being out in the public and with the lads again, the only problem was that in nearly every shop we went into the mens clothes are all upstairs. I got one hell of a workout thats no lie. The lads found it highly amusing of course. I will get you all back for all the jokes guys don't you worry. I got my shorts and it felt great. I felt quite normal again. I needed a good rest after spending a few hours on my feet. My knee was all swollen and the skin was a deep purple colour, that's what you get for only having 1 blood vessel left I guess. The nerve pain I get too is pretty nasty. One of the pains I get is like someone is pouring freezing cold water down my shin and onto my foot. It feels like the water freezes on my skin then my skin breaks. Other pains are like someone taking a hot pin and stabing it into certain spots on my leg, sometimes right into my big toe, that one kills. Silly leg.

I had mentioned about the infection area on the side of my leg, well thats pretty much healed up now. It's at the dry scabby stage now so I no longer need any dressings on my leg which is a huge bonus as it felt like I was getting no where with my healing. Its got a couple more weeks to go before I can be completely happy with it. As I said I made it my goal to get on that bike and cycle round the van. Well another sunny day had made a visit and it would be rude not to try again. I got on that sucka and lent against the van to see if my knee would get round ok. It did!! That only left me wanting more so much to my Stepdads disgust I started to pedal around the van. I came alive right at the moment I was moving that bike on my own will. My legs were operating that bike with no help. For the first time in 3 months I felt like I was getting somewhere. I felt good and I did not want to stop but I could see the look of ''Stupid boy'' all over my Stepdads face so it was time to dismount my stallion and feel like Rocky again. I did it, I said I would and I did it. That meant a lot to me, but I also know it scared others. Things like that did not stop there though. I use to do the lawns on our property and I had missed the ride on mower. Again my stepdad had bought the mower up onto our lawns but he went in for a drink and left that red beast sat outside my place. Me and Megs sat there and I could not help myself once again. I went and sat in the seat while Andy just sat and watched me again. Megs could see it in my face and she knew full well I was about to start that b***** up and see if i could drive it. I turned the key and just feeling the engine going I got excited and again I was not stopping there, I wanted that buzz. I lifted my knee and placed my foot onto the ''go go go'' pedal and pushed down with my leg.......I was off. Wow, it was the best feeling to be driving something again. I managed to keep going and ended up cutting my small patch of grass. When mum came out to see what the noise was about she just had to take a picture, well that was after she shouted ''what do you think you are doing''. I just smiled and caried on mowing. Nothing was stopping me that day. Nothing!!

Yes I know that it's way to early to be pushing myself but again I did not stop there. Once I could taste a bit of what I could do I wanted more. I have a punch bag in the shed that I would use quite a bit. I kept thinking I could just stand on the spot and punch it without to much stress on the knee. The first time I tried I nearly fell over when I punched it. Had I lost that much technique in 3 months?No, I had sustained a huge injury to my leg which I seem to forget about when I get excited about trying something from before my crash. I need to remember that I can not go to crazy yet because I dont have the support in my knee yet but I will get onto that a bit later. I finally figured out a safe way to hit the bag and get my heart rate going. I felt great punching something again. Makes me sound violent. I'm a big girl to be honest but I do enjoy a good punch up. Whats a few punches between friends? I even got 2 friends (George and Rob) to come up and we hit some pads and had a little restricted workout. It does feel wierd without my lat muscle there. I can feel the scar stretch when punching with my right arm. Very odd. I hope that when I have my knee rebuilt that I can get back to hitting pads again. I tried cycling again and this time I went a bit further and did 2-3 laps around the driveway. Feeling better each time. I can cycle ok because my knee is in a fixed position. I know my family hates it when I try to go cycling and I know it is a bit silly just incase I fell off and do some serious damage. I have to remember that they are only looking out for me.

I mentioned in the last blog about sleeping problems. I was wearing my knee brace and my temp foot cast. I decided to do a bit of D.I.Y on my leg cast. I cut it at the knee section and just used the foot part to sleep in. I was using some temporary piece of junk that was no good for no one so I needed something stronger and the leg cast had that stability. I stopped wearing the leg brace at night to see if I could get use to it and just wearning my newly modified foot cast. I slept ok but it was still horrible. I had seen a Orthotics gentleman and he supplied me with 2 special night braces for people with foot drop. I found 1 that fits nicely and it was not bulky and does not hurt if I kick myself with it in the night. I was finally starting to sleep ok, apart from the leg spasams and nerve pains, I am getting use to them but still a pain in the bum. I have been seeing a physio now for about 2 months and she is starting to push me a bit harder each week. She knows that I want to heal quick but she also knows that my knee is a bit ummmm messed up. If you never seen the pictures then go check out the last blog and you will get a better idea of my injuries. I promise im not being a big sissy about it (well maybe a little bit, but i'm aloud too). I asked her if I could use the static bike and she just stared at me like I was barking mad. She reluctantly let me on to the bike. I said can I try and she said she what I can do in 5 mins. I went for it and got to 1.8k. She was surprised and happy that I could do it. She said to me that I had to beat it the next week. It's on lady! The next week I did 2.5k and then last week I did 2.7k so challenge smashed. She has got me doing all these balance exercises and they are hard because I have a lot of nerve damage and loss of muscle so it makes it tough but I enjoy the work as I feel the difference it makes. I need to rebuild as much muscle and get as fit as I can ready for my next op when the time comes.

I had been down to training to see all the lads a couple of times and just watch to see how they are all getting along. I could not help but want to get up and help a few people out or get stuck in and have a good scrap with my buddies. I miss rolling around and getting beat up. Although I want to beat you up Greg....i know your reading you big bully. I'm coming for you big boy. My coach Chris was having a grappling comp when a freak accident happend and he broke his leg. He had to go and have surgery and pins put in his ankle. I went over with his family and spent a bit of time with him before he had his op. I tried to explain to him how he might feel in the coming weeks as I am going through it. He has dealt with it really well and he still goes down and shouts at everyone at training. I on the other hand have stopped going down because I know i'm a long way off ever going back to kickboxing or grappling classes. It breaks my heart to be honest because that was a huge part of my life. Anyone that knows me knows that I lived for it. To know I can't do it for a long time is a hard pill to swollow. That's why I need to get on a push bike, punch the bag, get on the mower or just do something normal. If i'm not pushing myself then i'm not trying hard enough to get better. Although there is a point I need to watch out for, it's when I lift my good leg off the ground. For that moment i'm unstable and this was proven while stood next to my mum about a month ago. I thought I was healed all of a sudden and I tried to raise my good leg for some stupid reason. My bad leg just gave way and I went down. I managed to fall in a way that I did minimal damage. I think the worst part was scaring my mum like that. I stood up as nothing had happened to show her that I was ok. I felt like a idiot for trying to lift my leg like that but it was also a strong reminder that i'm not stable yet. I will not be until i have some ligaments in my leg to replace the ones I lost on Ebley bypass on April 15.

It has been hard for me on a few different levels. I am finding I feel a bit left out sometimes. I am missing nights out with friends, motorbike trips with my Stepdad and Bro, Trips with the lads, training and all the normal things we would be doing in the summer months. I feel as though I should be able to do them but I know I can not yet. I know I will be able to next year or the year after but I still feel as though I am missing out now. I can get pretty bored somedays and feel like I should be doing something with this time off work. I just don't know what to do. Other days I don't want to do anything. Now Megs has a month off before she goes to uni we have decided to join a gym. The benifit is that the head man there is a rehabilitation specialist. Between him and a sports theropist they are sorting me out a workout programme to help rebuild the muscles in my back and around my arms. After my knee reconstruction they will then help me build my legs back up too. It will be a hard long journey but God damn it, it feels so nice to be back in a gym again. We have been 3 times this week and I feel better for it already, although I feel like a bus has hit me....but Meggy kindly reminded me it was actually a silver Honda that hit me. Ain't she a funny one. There has been a bit of a problem with me pushing so hard and healing quicker than everyone thought. It seems to have the opposite effect to what I assumed it would. It is hard to explain really. People assume that I am actually ok and that my injury is not as half as bad as it actually is. Now this does not mean I want sympathy or people asking me if I am ok all the time, I just want people to know that this is going to take a long time and 3-4 more operations in the next 18 months to 2 years. I think because I have been on a push bike a bit and I am walking without sticks now that I think people almost expect more out of me now. In a way it feels like I am shooting myself in the feet with every bit of progression I make. This may not make a lot of sense to you but to me it makes perfect sense. It's tough to know the right amount of healing in the right amount of time.

Now to this week. I have been a busy boy going to appointments all over the place (huge thanks to my personal drivers Andy and Megs). The main one was going to see a knee specialist in Bristol. Mr Murray is known as the man to do the job and take on the challange of fixing my knee. He took a look, wiggled, pulled, twisted and bent my leg in everyway possible. He looked at the CT scans and MRI scans a few times and came to the conclusion that this was going to be a lot harder than he first thought. We thought it might just be a case of sticking some fake ligaments in and maybe the knee would heal up in time. Wrong oh so wrong. He took another look at my CT scan and said the only way he can think of fixing my leg is to use a knee and ligaments from a dead person. Yup you read that right. He wants to get a donor knee that has been frozen and use everything possible from that knee to fix my knee. This op has not been done to many times and apparently they don't just do it on anyone. I feel like a bit of a guinea pig but I know I will be in good hands. They want to see a more up to date CT scan so I will be going back soon for that and another meeting to let me know what else they have talked about. I feel like they will do what is best for me. I also went back to see my plastic surgeon who saved my leg. He told me after the op I would not be walking for at least 9 months. Well i just sat there in my shorts in the waiting room and when he called me up I walked straight towards him and shook his hand. I can honestly say that was a proud moment for me. The look on his face was priceless and I think it will stick with me for a long time. That was one happy surprised surgeon right there. He felt as though healing was perfect and he went to get his camera and another surgeon who was there and she was just as amazed. I felt as though I was really doing well and I was so thankful to them for saving my leg and to be honest I think they were just as impressed with their own work as I was. They are gifted people and I owe my healing to them doing a near perfect job. Thank you very much.

The picture up the top is me and Megs before our very special friends wedding. This was a huge day for me because I originally thought I would be going in shorts and a full cast in my wheelchair, but I managed to fit into my suit. Yes ok I had to wear black trainers to fit my foot brace but that was nothing compared to what we originally thought i would be wearing. The day was amazing and the bride looked beautiful (yes Kerst you did....Paul, you looked gorgeous too). Thanks to them for letting us share their special day with them. So that is pretty much where I am at right now. Enjoying being at the gym, working on my upper body and rebuilding some leg muscle very slowly and carefully. I am in really good spirits and feeling like I want to learn something from this whole journey, well more than I already have. I huge thanks to everyone who supports me, loves me even when I am being grumpy and everyone that still reads these blogs and follows my long road to recovery. Peace and love to you all.

Stu x