Well, one year has passed since the big crash. One year of my life, and what a journey it has been so far. It's been full of up's and down's, lefts and rights and I've been round and round. The last blog I did was around the end of November time and boy has a lot changed in those 5 months. This might be a big read I'm afraid but there is a lot of stuff to cram in. I will shorten a lot of it to not bore you....to much.

So I will start off by saying that I never did have that surgery that was due in December. For a reminder, I was waiting for a donor leg to come in that matches mine so they can use all the bone, ligaments and any other gory parts to replace all that's missing from my leg. Sadly a leg has still not been sourced and I am still waiting the operation now. They have no expected date because finding a near perfect match is very hard as you can Imagine. Also how many young male guys between 21 and 30 carry a donor card.....oh and I also need them to be 6ft, skinny-ish legs, good fighting background, oh wait I guess I don't need a leg that's been kicked a thousand times do I!! Either way I'm still waiting that leg. I remember when they cancelled the operation the first time. I was livid, I built myself up for it, mentally, physically. I was eating well (which is hard enough for me) and training 3-4 times a week (again, for me back then was really hard) and mentally building myself up to be broken down again. So as you can imagine, I was a little bit annoyed when they rang and cancelled the second operation aswell. I took it out on the secretary that called and told me. I still feel bad about taking it out on her. I said I don't want to be spoken to until they have a leg in the freezer and the team of people is ready to do the work. I felt awful as soon as I put the phone down. It was just so draining to go through it all. I didn't have a lot of patience for some reason. I know this journey is a super long one and so I have learnt to be a lot more patient now. These guys are trying their best to help me so I can't get angry at them. So as it stands I'm still waiting for a call to say "wasssup Stu, we got da leg innit".

Now, while is was dealing with all that at the time my most favourite little girl Jessie (my cat) was getting more and more ill. My stepdad rescued her as a lonely wondering cat around 11-12 years ago. She hated people, she had an attitude like no other cat we had and she wouldn't look twice at you if you just wanted a little cuddle, she was just plain old rude. When she learnt to trust us she was the complete opposite....she became Queen. She would demand your attention at all times, command you to feed her and let her out through the door with a cat flap. Yes that's right, she would not use the flap because it might have messed her precious hair up (or something along those lines, she was a cat at the end of the day and never actually told me why). She became a bit of a snob, but I loved her. The character that little girl had was huge. She always walked funny with her back legs almost fused straight and wide like John Wayne. Old training accident I expect from when she was training to be a cat walk model.....paaaahaha sorry. The thing is we never knew how old she was when we got her, but she was close to double digits we think. She was a mystery, that added to her charm. As time went by and we moved houses, I sort of adopted her as my own lil cat. The last 6-7 years she was my girl. All my friends loved her and would always take the piss out of the way she would meow, it was very distinctive and repetitive, you knew she was after something. Her meows would completely change when she made visual contact. Very amusing. Anyway back to November last year. She had been getting really weak, struggling to move around and do simple tasks. Me and Megs would put hot water bottles down so she could lay down on, although it was like a water bed for her. Only the best for Queeny. We would help her do as much as possible until it got to the point when you could see in her eyes that she was tired. I couldn't watch her like it anymore. It was like someone stabbing my heart everytime she would crumble to the floor. She wasn't one for travelling but we needed to do something. Mum managed to find a nice wooden cat box, again, only the best travel for my Jessie cat. I remember lifting her in slowly and she seemed quite relaxed until we loaded her into the car. That noise they make is not nice. Megs was driving, I was in the back with her when I seen her make a little face that she only makes when she is about to go poo. Yup, she was leaving us with a present to smell on the way to the vets. Nice. We got there, unloaded her and the vet and nurse checked her over. They said they would keep her in over night as they would do blood tests, give her fluids as she was dehydrated etc. So I just gave her a little stroke and a kiss and said i would see her later. Walking away I thought I would see her again, felt like a normal goodbye. Got back to an empty home. It didn't feel right. She was missing. She had been a huge help to me in this last year. Anyway a few hours passed and the phone rang, the nurse said that she had a lot more wrong with her after they got the blood back. They had to give her some more painkillers and fluids to help her but it could be dangerous as she was quite weak but there was no other choice really. I said yes to go ahead and she would call me back in the morning. Megs jumped in the shower and I just sat waiting to go up to bed and the phone went. I remember hearing the nurses voice and the words came out "Jessie didn't make it". My world fell into a million pieces and I just broke. Uncontrollable sadness, tears and pain. Megs got out the shower unaware and I told her, that was horrible aswell because I knew that meggy had become really fond of her too. She use to keep Megs company when I wasn't home. They asked if we wanted to go and see her and say our goodbye to her body. I went to see my mum and stepdad to tell them the news and again it was so hard because it was their cat too. We headed down to say goodbye. As soon as me and Megs walked in she was just lying there under her thermal blanket we took for her. She looked so small. A little blue and red wrist band on each leg. She looked like she was about to go party, she was probably partying at that stage. We sat there for a long time just stroking her, a lifeless little furry queen. Gave her a kiss and said goodbye. The hardest thing I had to do. The drive home was very quite, you could just feel the sadness. Anyone who ever lost a pet knows that feeling. It's torture. As soon as I got in the house and seen her water bottle and food I was gone again. Uncontrollable. This happened for a couple days because I couldn't bare to clean her stuff away, it felt like I was just accepting that she was gone and getting on with life. I felt guilty for feeling like that. So for 2 days I would just randomly ball my eyes out. I had to clean her stuff away in the end and I felt horrible. I got a picture of her and printed it off and put it above my pc. I'm glad this didn't happen just after or before my operation that was due in that time. I would feel guilt if I didn't think about her in the weeks that followed but it was all part of the process. My good friend woody and his partner snippy (Nicola) sent me a furry cat toy replacement for Jessie. So we put her on top of the sky box next to her ashes where she used to love sitting. I miss her so much and had that emptiness feeling for a couple months. Time is a healer as they say. She was the best cat, biggest attitude, best friend and queen of all. Sorry to write so much but I couldn't help it. She was beautiful. Bye Jessop.

On with life as they say. The lads magazine Nuts has a feature inside called "Dont look". Every week or month they have gory pics of people's silly accidents. It's very sick and very odd but people like it. I don't buy the magazine but I know plenty of guys that do. My brother being my brother told me to send my operation picture into them as it was damn horrific. So me being on all the drugs at the time he told me he thought it was a great idea. Anyway months passed and I get a call out the blue from Nuts saying they wanted to feature me in the first issue of 2012. I thought why not. Give those sick b*****s what they want. They said it was one of the worst they had seen. So my claim to fame is having my close to being amputated leg inside a lads magazine. Yay for me. It is odd though when someone recognises you from the magazine in a local pub. Strange but true. Other quick news from around the winter time. My blue badge arrived (disabled badge). My step dad thought this was the best thing in the world as he wanted to park anywhere and just show people the badge and slap it in their faces. He felt very powerful with the badge. He might have his own one day. Watch out when he does, he will be dangerous. It will be like the old You Been Tangooed adverts when the guy use to go up and slap people. That's my stepdad in a few years with his own badge haha. Another huge thing was that my mum and stepdad bought an automatic car and we got it adapted so I can drive it. They fitted a left foot accelerator in it. So my right leg just sits out the way and I do it all with my left now. If normal bodied people want to drive, they just flick the pedal out the way and the other one comes back down. Very clever. It has given me freedom back like you wouldn't believe. I felt normal again. Thank you so much you guys for letting me use the car like you do, it's a huge thing for me. Plus it stops me driving everyone mad asking for lifts. Other news on the legal side of it all. The guy who hit me is still denying liability. It's going to a barrister now so they can decide, a long process but I know the right outcome will happen. It has to because it's the truth at the end of the day. Silly legal processes. I have 2 new knee braces that offer more support where I need it so that's always a bonus. They come in handy if I'm feeling a bit weaker. I just want to hurry up and heal. I become desperate to just be back to normal again. Realisticly that ain't happening and it's a hard pill to swallow sometimes but guess what, with a big enough gulp of water that sucker goes down and you move forward.

As a lot of you are aware, martial arts was my life before the crash and I have still managed to keep it part of my life even with a bad leg. I went to Thailand and trained in 2010 with my good friend James. Since then he joined a local muay thai club called east west muay thai based in griffin mill, thrupp. He had always said I should pop in and watch since the crash happened etc. Well just before winter kicked in I decided to head down and watch a session. That session kicked up something in me which I almost forgot I had. A hunger to help people get better at something they really want to get good at. I wanted to push people to get them past a level they thought they couldn't get passed. I want to get people to realise they can do it. It lit that flame up my backside again. I started helping out with a couple of the classes, started to get to know the guys and build up their trust in me so I could show them things and they would listen. The head instructor down at the club is Dave Willmot. He was away training for an English k1 (kickboxing, muay thai) title fight so I hadn't really got to spend much time with him yet. We went to watch him fight and he won the title. After this Dave was back taking sessions at his club. I got to learn a lot again as I watched. It made me feel good again. Of course I went back to helping out down at my other club again aswell. So I'm around all my friends again. New friendships have been made and old ones sparked back up again. Dave offered to hold pads for me to hit again and I'm sure a lot of you have already seen the YouTube video of those sessions. Great fun so thank you Dave. I built a website for the east west club in the spare time I have so that was great practice and kept me busy. Eastwestmuaythai.co.uk. Go take a look and admire my not so great web making skills. At the moment we are very active with getting ready for fights, shows and other ventures so it's exciting times ahead for the club. I'm glad to be part of it.

When it actually comes to the leg itself, well, it's still a pain in the arse. I still get pains from it, it still gives way a bit and I can't build up any muscle yet as I need to have the connecting bits to hold it all together.I slipped big time on black ice in winter and my leg shot out to the side where there is no ligament support, I led on the floor and just thought shiiiit, I've really screwed this up now. Because I lost a lot of nerves in the leg I can't feel to much anymore so I didn't know how much damage I had done. I managed to get up and hobble back inside. My knee was purple and fat. I rested that day and it wasn't to bad the following day, I was very lucky indeed. I've started training my other leg now as it is getting a bit weaker from all the extra work it has had to deal with. I just so desperately want to get this operation out the way so I can move forward. Like I said earlier, I'm building myself up just to be broken down again. It's a hard concept but one I have no choice in. I still get the odd feelings that flood back from time to time but not half as much as I use to get. If I hear a car skid, smell certain things, see a biker or anything related to the crash I just get quietly emotional. Even When I see my brother, I still remember wanting to see him so bad when I crashed, I knew he was following the ambulance and as soon as we pulled up at hospital and I heard his bike I remember just shouting for him. As soon as I saw him I just grabbed him as hard as I could and didn't want to let go. I felt ok, I felt like someone was there to make sure I was going to be ok. He never knew and probably still doesn't know how much that meant to me. He is still a spas though (I have to say that really otherwise it looks sappy, which it is). It's a very raw emotion, I can't explain it. There is a song done by Ed Sheeran called Family. The lyrics in it hit home to me and reminds me a lot of how I just wanted to be back to normal and be close to the people I love. It's no different 1 year on. I wouldn't be the person I am if I didn't have the special people in my life that I do.

So it's been a long blog and I have missed out so much. But I probably bored you enough as it is. Well done if you read it all, I appreciate it. Things are well, I'm moving forward, I'm mobile enough to be getting around and doing certain things I love with the people who mean the most to me. Megs is doing great, studying real hard at uni and still putting up with my antics on a daily basis. Mum and step pops are still rocking along nicely too and they don't have to deal with me half as much at the moment, until the next op anyway. Oh the joy i hear them say. Thanks for all the support I still get and have always had in this challenging year. It's been a tough road so far and will continue to be until after all the ops are done. Keep well everyone, be kind, be patient with people and smile to those who need a smile. All the best and until next time....I'm outta here

Stu x