Would any of you be offended if I start selling myself on the streets of Melbourne? Because that's where my circumstances are heading at this moment in time... 

Moses and I have come to realise that we're running low on dough... And we need to start looking for jobs... PRONT-f***ING-TO. We haven't resulted in eating out of garbage cans just yet... Although, we're taking full advantage of the free breakfast here, and the Maggi Noodles have sneakily crept back into the diet regime again... 

Owwwwwwhhhhhh (sulky schoolboy noise) 

Been handing out C.Vs quicker than a cat flicks off flees... Ehh.. I know what your all thinking, why aren't I a rapper? Anyway... Once your sides have stopped splitting from my witty humour, pay attention. To my surprise, I quickly received a phone call from 'Michelle', a fitness instructor from 'Contours' ladies fitness gym. She asked when I could come into the gym for a chat about a potential fitness instructor position. NICE. As you can imagine, I jumped at the opportunity!

"What time are you able to come in Heather?" (Michelle, in her Aussie accent) 

"Anytime! Either today or tomorrow?" 

"Perfect. Are you able to come by at 1pm today?" 

"Of course!" 

(How bloody formal) 

She then went on to tell me the address. I heard numbers and words, asked her to repeat a couple of times and then wrote down what I thought I heard. Something about gardens, and 'Finley'. I Googled it. Turns out I'd written down a load of gobbledy goop. Contours gym was located in Aspendale Gardens (about a 40min drive from where we were). I ordered a taxi (first day, good impressions, getting there on time and what not...), fully aware that this certainly was not the most cost effective way of travelling, but I wanted to be sure... Sure I got to the right place, on time... like a good, little applicant. 

Indian gentleman pulls up. I tell him the address (reading from my crappy scribbles, and Google notes). He taps away at his GPS. 

"Are you sure? My GPS can't find it..."

"Yeah, she said Contours gym in Finley"... 

I tried ringing her again... Answer phone. b*****. The answer phone said 'Contours in Finley'. 

The taxi man calls his boss man... And asks if they could send the address to the taxi driver. After a few minutes... 

"I got it!" 

Phew! Thank Christ for that! We start the voyage... slowly getting further away... Every stretch of road, I could feel my purse getting lighter. Fascinating. 

My eyes seemed to glance over at Moses... And my jaw did this weird jolt to the side, as I caught a glimpse of the fare meter (which wasn't fair at all...$30, $40... $43... Whoops! $60)

'Think positive Hev, you'll earn it back... Doing something you're qualified in.' That's the little thread of words sewn into my thick skull. 

Found the gym. We were an hour early. An hour early in the middle of nowhere. Moses was there for moral support... Either that, or to sit, point and laugh at me whilst I flop an interview. I felt sorry for him, as there was nothing but a super market and coffee shop in the area, for entertainment. To be fair, it was a pretty swish place. Nice houses and no graffiti... Good sign. 

I enter the gym, shake hands with a gentleman who owns the joint. 

"Michelle didn't tell me about you Heather? I wonder why that is? Though I haven't been in the office, as my wife's just had a baby. Anyway, please take a seat!"

To my disappointment, I couldn't receive the job role because I'm not first aid trained. He gave me his card, and said he'd be happy to help me find additional work/first aid training courses (pretty sure this was out of pitty). Anyway that's the boring bit... 

We begin our route back... Bought some dark, almond chocolate to cheer us up. We manage to find a cheaper way of getting back to the city using the trains. 

5'o'clock rolls past, and I receive a text... 

"Heather what happened, you didn't come to 1pm appointment at Dingley Contours?" 

It was Michelle. 

DINGLEY???!! Where the f*** is Dingley? I get on Google maps as quick as a Sparrow's fart...

Oh. 

Dingley... Not 'Finley'. 
  
No wonder why 'Michelle' didn't mention diddley squit to the gym owner... It was a different Michelle, different job role... A different bloody gym. 

Curse my sodding cloth ears. 

I felt that sicky, embarrassment feeling creep up... The type of embarrassment you get after a big, snotty cough, and realising someone else is in the room. It all made perfect sense now. NOWWWW! After scrounging for a $60 taxi fare, entering the wrong gym, Michelle not telling the manager I was coming... In the words of Sabulba (Star Wars Episode 1) "POO-DOO!!" 

I was gunna have to make the call. Praying for the call to redirect to a voicemail message... I'd rather have her put up with my 'Um, Erms' on a voicemail, than having to explain this one. Moses said I did a good job at leaving a message ... Glad I'm good at something hey? 

It couldn't have gone more perfectly wrong. As it happens, the gym that I was supposed to visit wasn't far from the one I ended up in. Didn't fancy the ride there and back everyday anyway. 

Aren't you glad I've just wasted your minutes with that thrilling life story? 

So here we are now... in Melbourne, South Yarra... Some grotty, little Old English style Guest House. Me & Mo are convinced that it's haunted. The stairs and doors groan off their own accord, and there's this little old man who swoops in the living room every night to clean. He just appears out of thin air. 

Over all, Melbourne is my favourite place we've visited in Australia so far. The architecture is beautiful, really obscure buildings and huge parks, perfect for running! We've purchased some boxing pads and found a stray basketball in the park... So our portable gym is coming along just fine. 

We've decided to pause the job hunt for a piss up. We've been stressing about jobs, applying, handing out C.Vs for a solid week, and have forgotten why we're here. So we're gunna have a giggle tonight. Some 'White Night' event is on. Looks like a big Melbourne celebration weekend! Parades and music! And BOOZE. Alright then. 

So that's what the plan is... I'll be sure to keep you on the loop... If I survive. 

 
 Quotes Of the Day


As the old man in the hostel walks past... 

Moses: "Is it rude to ask him if he's a ghost?" 

 
 Sitting in the cinema waiting to watch 12 Years a Slave...

Advert: "Oliver Brown specialist chocolate..."

Me: "Oliver Brown pants."

Moses - Uncontrolably laughing... "If anyone is wearing Brown pants in this film, I'm done for."

After drinking the best Lindt milkshake & hot chocolate...

"Ohhh-hohohorr my God, that's good..."

"This could stop wars..."

"Yeah, you're right. Why are people fighting when they could just drink this?" 

(Start to mimic married couples) 

"Hunny, you can have sex with whoever you want! I'm just your husband, I don't control you!"