Okey dokey peeps I guess I'd better tell you all about the Bangkok social ebent of the year. MANDY'S BIRTHDAY! We got up and opened cards over breakfast (prompting Mandy to cry in her cornflakes) and Kimberley gave her a new top and a friendship band that matched hers (ahhhh) and then it became blatantly apparent that I had failed miserably to provide either a card or a present. Apparently back in the Treehouse in Koh Chang Mand had picked up a necklace and casually mentioned she thought it was nice. This was supposedly my cue to surrepticiously sneak back and buy it at some point. Normally my psychic boots are polished and shiny but that day I was wearing sandals and it flew straight over my head. It also flew over Kimberley's, which although is not an excuse it did make me feel a bit better. Besides if I had got it for her it wouldn't have been a surprise so in theory it was a bigger surprise that I didn't get it for her. Just keeping the relationship fresh! Anyhow this resulted in a slightly frosty atmosphere (Kimberley had actually made a card from her journal with loads of lovely quotes on it) so off I ran to buy a birthday card. No birthday cards in the whole of Bangkok apparently. So I bought a beautiful postcard and expressed my deepest feelings on it (not easy when there re 3 Thais looking over your shoulder) and delivered it to her with the line 'this is the most beautiful picture I could find but its still not as beautiful as you' (I've still got it kids) and we were back on track and off shopping in the KSR market. One gorgeous shell necklace and a going out dress later (as well as a few bits and bobs) and the afternoon was over and time to head off for the dinner cruise I'd booked. Home we went and got on our best togs (or in Mands case new dress) and we were off. A romantic walk to the river taxi (slightly spoiled by the toothless old crone with about 50 puppies trying to sell us a river tour in an alley that smelt...well like Bangkok) on to the river taxi to take us to our pick up point. Amazingly we got there at 10 to six (the cruise started at 6 although this is obviously Thai time which means could be anywhere between 6 and 8. Or whenever the driver of the boat sleeps his hangover off) phoned them to tell them we were there and sat back to wait for the so called ten minute wiat for our transport. Half hour later we started to get a little concerned because this was stretching it even for Thais but then out of the blue there's a guy stood next to us in purple bloomers saying 'Mr New?' (thats me in Thai form) who escorted us to our pier. The boat was like an antique wooden junk and from outside looked a bit, well, s*** really. Just big and brown. But you shouldn't judge a book by its cover and as we walked across the gangplank we were greeted by 3 Thai women in traditional dress who gave us flower bands and a kind of baptism for our hands. And the boat was beautiful! All candle lit tables, shiny cutlery and sparkling wine glasses and best of all food already on the table. Just starters but it was enough to half fill us anyway. Pork satay which was heating up over the candle burner, spring rolls, vegetables in some kind of tangy dressing and prawn crackers. We finished most of this before the other passengers had even got on. Then it was time to sit back and enjoy the view (and a bottle of wine and some cocktails) as we sailed down the river with the sky slowly darkening towards night. What a view it was as we sailed past various temples and buildings of such differing architecture that everything was constantly new. After a bit of traditional Thai dancing from the women it was time for the main course. Now I hadn't been feeling too well for a couple of days (Bangkok squats anyone?) and didn't have too much of an appetite. The main course was 10 f***in dishes plus rice. And it was all lovely. Or so Mandy informed me as she set about it like a dog on a badger. 'We' had: Huge prawns (the size of my hand) and mussels Prawn cakes Pork cakes Chicken curry (mild) Stir fried vegetable in oyster sauce Pork curry (medium) Braised beef in like a port sauce And 3 others that I can't remember (I really should be writing daily) Mandy did her best but eventually with a huge sigh of contentment she sat back defeated. With a cheerfullly sarcastic 'Was there enough food?' from the waiter the table was cleared and it was time for more traditional dancing. Then dessert which was about 6 different Thai sweets most of which were lovely. Cocunut milk hearts were the favourite for obvious reasons. Then more dancing and we were back at the pier. I can honestly say without a shadow of a doubt it was one of the most romantic evenings of my life. Everything was absolutely perfect. So we headed off to Pat Pong to watch Ping Pong Suzie. A quick tuk tuk and there we were. Now Pat Pong (PP) is what I was expecting KSR to be like. Neon, go go bars, market, little side roads with dodgy looking men down them. everybody trying to sell you something or tout you into their bars. Fantastic! Hustle and bustle all the way and we loved it. Alright, everything's double the price and everybody's trying to rip you off but it just buzzes and you never feel threatened. We made it to Radio City (home of the Thai Tom Jones and the Thai Elvis) and sat down to wait for Kimberley and Emmet. After a few beers and an attempted short changing from the barman, we decided to go see the ping pong show. There's about 50 to choose from so we just grabbed the nearest tout and off he took us. 'Free entry and drinks 100 baht' this shifty looking guide kept telling us. Hmmmmm. We got in and were set upon by a frenzy of girls trying to get us to buy them drinks and 'tip' them. Before we'd even sat down. We should've just walked straight back out again. So anyway we were seated at the bar as close to the action as it's possible to get without being part of the show. We were expecting a proper show with everyone sitting watching but what it was was a continuous show with girls getting up and doing tricks. My favourite was the girl blowing darts about 15 feet to burst balloons held by another girl, although given the occasion the girl who blew out the birthday candles in a slightly different way to normal also got a big hand. At this point the bar girls started asking us to pay for our drinks: 2 beers and 2 'cokes' for them. 700 baht. Each. hats 1400 Baht which is pretty much bang on 20 quid. For 2 small beers! Then they had the f***ing front to ask us for more tips. We smiled politely and moved to a recently vacated table to finish our ten pound beers and get the hell out. Every couple of minutes or so they'd come round asking us for tips. If I knew the Thai for get f***ed it would've been well used. All in all, not the best bar in the world but we were glad we'd done it. It was just so different to what we were expecting. Proper seedy. I know that sounds a bit strange but having heard the stories from Mand and others about the shows in Amsterdam, what I didn't expect was a bunch of half attractive girls dancing on poles while 2 40 year old fat girls extracted various things from various places. We left feeling dirty but somehow cleansed. And on to the next go go bar where they told us the beers were 100 baht. At which point Emmet took the price list off the tout and took it in with him. Touch. Now this bar was much 'nicer' if that's the right word. I mean it was a go go bar with fit girls dancing in white stockings and suspenders, but the beer was cheap and cold the service was good and you got a free massage from a bloke every time you went to the toilet. For free. A proper massage. Head neck and shoulders, hot towels the works. Not the same as that dodgy black fella you usually get trying to flog you a squirt of hooky Joop for 2 quid in England. After the obligatory chat with a ladyboy (why the f*** can't I spot them?) who tried to encourage me to dance on the stage with her, and a few more of their relatively cheap beers we were off to see the legendary (in our heads anyway) Thai Tom Jones. Now you might think that the Thai Tom Jones would be a really cheesy experience. And You'd be right. We absolutely loved it. He had all the moves and the sounds 'huh...grrrrr' et al and kept giving us a really 'cool' thumbs up after every song. Mainly cos we were the only ones singing along and heaven forbid dancing. And we were right at the front, as close as it was possible to get. Oh yeah and he had one of the fittest backing dancers and the coolest trombone and trumpet player I've ever seen with a Tom Jones impersonator. And to be fair to him, he did sound fairly like the real thing. Bonus...or nor depending on your point of view. After asking if we could get Elvis to dedicate his first song to Mand you can well imagine how distraught we were to find that Tom was the show stopper and we'd already missed Elvis. Something which has probably got Mr Presley spinning in his grave....assuming he's really dead obviously. So with Tom firmly ringing in our ears it was time to hit a club. Now I know I've said before that everything closes really early, but this seems to be flexible in that as long as the owner is willing to share some of his proceeds with the Thai police then all is hunky dory. So there we found ourselves in a fairly decent club (although the barman did attempt to keep my change from the first round I bought) and after a drunken attempt at dancing to some throbbing house music, we decided to stand in the courtyard where the boogying was a little less intense and conversation a lot more possible. Drunken conversations abounded until this club shut (no idea what time) and we headed back to the club above Radio City where we could still hear music. We had just enough time to get a drink and get our rhythm back and the dj turned the music off in mid tune. Time to go then I guess. We got chatting to one of the barmen who offered us a lift in his car for 100 baht to a club which was open all night. His car turned out to be a taxi that he hailed down that took us to the club and cost 50 Baht. Like I said, everyone was on the make that night. And the club was closed. We jumped back in a taxi to take us back to where our hotel was and their were bars that would still be open. We hoped. The guy who took us there even had the front to ask for the other 50 Baht so he could get home. A swift f*** off and ten minutes later and we stopped off at a store to buy a bottle of Sangsom and four cans of redbull, a balloon for Mandy and some Pad Thai to try and soak up some of the alcohol. Somewhere on our drunken stumble we picked up an English guy called Michael who was as trashed as we were and completely lost. So we took him to a bar cos we figured it might help. It didn't. Not long after we got there (much to our digust they wouldn't let us drink our own whisky) we were approached by a Thai guy called 'Geoffrey'. 'You like my trousers?' he slurred by way of introduction and a shudder swept through the group. This guy looked like a baddie from a Bruce Lee film but as he was obviously gay Mandy decided he must be alright. Nope. At first he was ok and took Kimbers off on a secret mission which turned out to be buying a birthday cake complete with candles which Mand blew out in the more traditional way than the girls in the bar previously. Big relief all round. But then he took a real predatory shine to Michael and kept trying to kiss him (I helped his cause by telling him Michael really liked him, was lost and didn't have anywhere to stay - beautiful) and then got in a massive girlie strop when Michael eventually got his message across that he wasn't gay and if he was Geoffrey certainly wouldn't be his type. He went and sat on his own until Mand 'convinced' him to come back. Then things turned a bit uglier as either he or Kimbers (no-ones actually sure) knocked his drink over and broke the glass. A few raised voices later and Kimbers bought him another drink but he kept going on about paying for the glass, something which even the barman told him was untrue. Kimbers, Emmet and Michael headed off and a couple of Danish boys turned up. We finished our drinks and Geoffrey started banging on about me and Mand paying 100 Baht for the broken glass, so telling him the 2 Danes were actually gay swingers we took our leave and headed back to the hotel for a nightcap (morning cap) with Kimbers and Emmet before hitting our beds somewhere around 6 am, dropping off to what sounded like a cockerel farm next door, knowing the hangover was going to be worth every second. My last vision before the coma overtook was of Mand lying there in her blinkers and ear plugs with a smile of absolute contentment on her face. Happy Birthday gorgeous. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx