Righty ho, Bangkok part 2. Sorry about the rather abrupt end to the last post card, but we had Kimberley and Emett's bank cards and had to rush off. So, after eventually recovering from our hangovers we decided we should at least see a bit of culture while we were here. We picked out 3 sights we really wanted to see and 9 in the morning saw us heading for the Metro full of the joys of Spring and bouncing like bunnies. We got to the our stop and jumped off and headed confidently towards the river taxi (essentially a ferry bus) to take us to The Grand Palace, the first of our intended culture stops. A little way down, we were stopped by an official Tourist Information girl who not only informed us we were going in exactly the opposite direction to where we wanted to be going, but also directed us to her office where we picked up our tickets to leave for Koh Chang the following day. Claiming this as a victory for our unerring sense of direction, we about faced and started on the 10 minute walk to the ferry. 35 minutes later, we stumbled across a lovely french patisserie (which again we claimed as a victory) had breakfast, got directions and found the right pier. Beautiful. After abouty 10 minutes, the taxi pulls up and us being polite English we let everyone get on first and we followed. Well I say we, but the guy obviously didn't like the look of Mand and refused to let her on, by the time I'd realised this the taxi is pulling away and it's time for some Indiana Jones style heroics, leaping from the moving boat back to save the woman I love. Or not. The thing was already about 4 feet from the pier so with a shout of 'I'll meet you on the pier at Tha Chang' and a kind of evil smile from the guy who refused her entry me and the ferry were off. 15 minutes later I arrived at Tha Chang, sweating like a fat girl in a chocolate factory (from the heat) I disembarked and sat down for the 20 minute wait for the next ferry to arrive. After about 25 minutes (in which time a couple of Japanese tourists insisted on taking my picture. Must have been the black t-shirt, shades, 'cowboy' hat and stubble that had them thinking I was Clint Eastwood) the ferry pulls in. There I am with an ice cold bottle of water for my beloved standing on the pier....and there I stood. The ferry pulled away, no Mandy. Slight panic. Are there any other ferrries coming from that way? I ask one of the Thai guys. Every 20 minutes copmes the reply. Big panic. After 5 minutes of the 'Do I stay or do I go?' debate, I head off to buy a phone card and try ringing her. Buy the phone, card can't get through (this is the same phonecard that works in approximately 4 phone boxes in the whole of Thailand incidentally). Walk back to the pier wondering how I'm gonna tell Len and Chris that I've lost their daghter in under a week (a record I believe, even for me), and there she is! Looking the way I felt but there. Turns out the woman on the boat told her the wrong stop and she'd just run back along the quayside (through an amulet market where surprisingly she didn't stop to buy anything) and must've passed right behind me while I was on the phone. After a scene reminiscent of the Titanic we head over to the Palace and its closed. Beautiful. But one of the guards tells us a couple of places nearby to go see and that the Palce re-opens at 2.30. He calls over a tuk tuk driver, negotiates a price and off we go. A tuk tuk is like a cross between a moped and a milk float, and the drivers all think they're Evil Kenivel (spell check anyone?). they don't obey any rules of the road, jumping red lights, pulling out into traffic, darting down alleyways and one way streets. Funniest thing ever (and also my new career goal). First stop, the Giant Buddha. Its huge and it's gold and the grounds are lovely and peaceful. Nice and relaxing after the ferry and the mental tuk tuk bloke. Didn't release any birds for good luck though cos Mandy has heard the birds are like homing pigeons and just come straight back to their cages after about 5 minutes. However, after theday we'd had so far we should've taken the warning and released as many of them as we could. Back in the tuk tuk and the first of our unscheduled stops (or kidnappings as we crazy westerners call them). The driver starts talking about this tailors he knows who'll give him free petrol just for taking us there, regardless of whether we buy or not. Just 5 minutes. Now we knew this was a con and that the drivers work on commission but as we intended to buy some stuff here anyway we agreed, just to see prices, quality etc. He takes us, we go in, ask the right questions, listen to the sales patter, tell the guy we'll be in touch after we've looked at other places, take a card and back in the tuk tuk. Cool. Next stop some Wat (we're still not exactly sure which one even now) which had a huge collection of buddhas (a few of whom shared a remarkable likeness with Hooper) again set in beautiful grounds. We relaxed, had a good look round and then back in the tuk tuk and off to our final destination. Or so we thought. Mr tuk tuk happens to know a rather fine jewellery shop who'll also give him petrol blah blah blah. Now I'm quite a patient bloke but this upset me slightly, after all we'd played the game first time round, but we agreed cos we had time to kill anyway. Lovely shop and we came across a ruby and diamond white gold engagement ring (just typing that sent a shiver down my spine) which judging from the intake of breath, Mandy was convinced was 100 per cent kosher. Stunning ring. And they only wanted 325 quid for it! At the mention of the price there was another intake of breath and I had my hand halfway to my pocket for my card. Then the woman took another look at the ring and there was a third intake of breath as she realised she'd misread the price and missed a zero off. 3250 quid. The only sound after that was our footsteps running out the door (unfortunately not with the ring). Back in the tuk tuk I found the ride rather relaxing after the fright I'd just given myself (getting engaged indeed!) and somehow we arrived back at the Palace without ever seeing the third sight the guard had recommended. Ah well, 60p well spent in my book. Into the Palace and we had just enough time to take a photo when the heavens opened and not Buddha, but some kind of f***in monsoon came down. I have never ever ever seen rain like it in all my life. 80 per cent of the Palace is outside. But we weren't deterred and after a discussion along the lines of 'well we can't get any wetter than this' we decided to pay the admission and at least see some of it. Best decision ever! The place is absolutely amazing. Mind blowingly beautiful. I could spend the rest of this trip going round it again and again and again. And it was virtually deserted because no-one else (except a few other crazy english) wanted to go tround in the rain. The rain incidentally is so warm you could shower in it, so it was actually quite enjoyable. After a few hours, we decided we were getting a bit peckish so we decided to go get some food at a place we'd read about in Lonely Planet (Roti Mataba) and as we were now tuk tuk proofed we asked the guy how much and jumped in. To get kidnapped to another tailors. Now this guy was much much pushier than the one before. Telling us about his daughter and how lovely these suits would be. Proper banging on about it. Just 5 minutes down here! f*** it, we need something to compare the first one to so we agree. 20 minutes later we arrive at this tailors, and I can smell the greed coming off tuk tuk man 2. For some reason he thinks he's got Bill Gates and Paris Hilton in his wagon. In we go, look at the material, look at some catalogues, tell the guy we're not buying today just comparing prices, and if he has a card we might get back to him. Disgust showing on his face he says they don't have cards, everyone knows who they are and just turns away as we walk out. Now just a quick word on manners in Thailand. They are everything. Never ever do anything but smile is the general rule, and find fun in everything you do. There are Thai words for it but I can't remember what they're called. Anyway, showing anger is a big big no no and results in a loss of face for all involved, and being rude is nearly as bad. So I was a bit riled by this bloke's attitude as we leave and by now I'm really starting to get hungry. Not the best mix. The tuk tuk t*** looks at us like we're mad when we say we didn't buy anything and with a look approaching disgust pulls away. all the time he's saying things like 'why you not buy?' 'you not like price?' 'you not like quality?' and ne sitting there going 'we aren't buying anything today, we told you that'. Suddenly it goes quiet and he says 'I show you one more shop'. I'm sitting there going 'no thanks, we're hungry, thankyou but no'. This is all still really really polite. Smiles all the way. No pressure. And then in my left ear i hear a musical voice like that of an angel say 'Ok then'. By the time I turn my head, the driver's hurtling along with a sense of real purpose. I simply can't believe it, but remembering manners and never getting annoyed I smile at Mandy and at the driver and off we go. Now it occurs to me that if these d*** can waste my time (the drivers and sellers, not Mandy) then i can waste theirs. But very politely. 10 minute ride later and we're in. We sit down and I am the best customer this bloke has ever had. I took every line he threw at us like it was gospel. From his very special offer, available only today, to his waffle about why one material is better than another, why I must have this suit in this colour (you never actually choose the suit you want, they 'advise' you until you agree). Everything! we talked suits, overcoats, shirts, blouses, skirts, ties, cuts, materials everything you can think of. Then we agreed we'd like 3 suits for me, 1 for Mandy, 1 dress, 1 blouse, 6 shirts, a coat each and 4 ties. He quoted me a really good price and then we told him we weren't actually buying today. So he quoted an even better price. We told him we weren't buying. We asked for a card which he gave and then I made him shake my hand (he tried to turn away like the last guy had) as I gave him my cheesiest smile and we left. We must've been in there for near on an hour. Tuk tuk man thinks all his Christmases have come at once. Back in the tuk tuk we tell him we didn't buy and he is really really unimpressed. Keeps asking why and I keep telling him why and that we'd already told him we weren't buying. He took us somewhere near where we wanted to go, dropped us off and didn't even thank us when we paid him, or say goodbye before he raced off. How very very rude! And how very satisfying! The only good thing about the whole thing was that it turns out that while we were at the Palace, Mandy had ripped her trousers right up the back and it wasn't until we were in the tailors that we noticed. She'd kept getting funny looks from a guy at the Palace but we didn't think anything of it. It's considered rude to enter the place with your shoulders or legs uncovered and mandy had been walking around with her arse out all day. She's going to hell for sure now. Then off for some food (f***in finally) which we munched in about 2 mins flat (gorgeous gorgeous Roti Mataba) and off for a beer whilst deciding what to do. It turned out that was more food cos we were still hungry. And a little bit drunk from the beer we'd just had. 6.4 per cent this stuff is. Woo hoo! A couple of cocktails later and the starters arrive. A kind ofThai fajita made from leaves of some sort, ginger, coconut, peanuts aduipping sauce a bit like lemon curd and some pieces of green beans which I can't stand. Mandy on the other hnd quite likies them and put a couple in hers. They were not green beans, as her sudden gasp and grab for whatever liquid she could lay her hands on told me. They were chillies. Ridiculously hot ones. 15 minutes later when she'd finally calmed down and after we'd eaten the main course and another beer, the alcohol and testosterone really kicked in. On Mandy's insistence we decided on a competition. One little piece of green chilli each. Holy mother of Christ. We spent the next twenty minutes puffing like Johnny walking upstairs crying and generally acting like we'd just eaten fire. Ok, time for the next round. On closer inspection, some of the chillies were actually red. Mandy took one, crunched it once and swallowed and kept her face amazingly straight. Right, I'm not having it. I picked the biggest red one (which was still about a third of the size of my little fiinger nail) popped it in and and chewed vigorously. The evil smile which spread across her face told me all i needed to know before I'd really registered the inferno which had just taken hold of my mouth. I have never ever felt anything like it in all my life. Agony. Pure and simple. Eyes streaming, tongue numb, eyes crossed, unable to utter anything other than a strangled whimper. To make it worse, every time I thought it was dying away slightly another piece would work its way loose from my teeth and the whole thing started again. This went on for about half an hour before we decided we were probably embarassing ourselves and asked in gargling tones for the bill. The fire in our bellies went on for about another hour after that. Off to the ferry port (which was by thenm closed), before jumping into a regular taxi (not before Mandy had had a quick perve on the semi naked teenaged body poppers) and off to the Metro station just in time for the last train home. Time to pack and get a good night's sleep (well 4 hours) and up to get the coach to idyllic isalnd of Koh Chang for some sunbathing and swimming, and to meet up with Kimberley and the guy she's been travelling with, Emmett. Top day! Kidnapped 4 times, separated once, some of the most beautiful architecture we'd ever seen, our first ride in a tuk tuk and our fist river taxi, wonderful food, nearly killed by a chilli, upset a couple of locals and Mandy secured her place in hell. Bit of a mixed bag really. Mandy and Neil xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx PS Almost forgot. On the way back to the hostel we went for a proper thai massage (not a dodgy one). Shocking. This girl smaller than Mandy spent an hour twisting our bones into shapes which they simply shouldn't go in. Wicked but I think we'll be giving them a miss from now on. Then we hit another bar for a few nightcaps and chatted to some older folk from Hull (Rachel if you're reading this they didn't know you). All they really wanted to do was tell us that they'd been here every year for 5 years. By the time we left we felt like we'd been talking to THEM for 5 years. M & N xxxxxxxxx