Day 191

Happy New Year everyone! And what a great date, 1/1/11. So I'm up at 8am, full of excitement about being reborn today. The girls have gone off to Patan Durbar Square for a day of sightseeing; Clover is fuming and Daddy's patience is wearing thin. Rufus had booked my rebirthing for 1pm but I decided that would interfere with my plans for a boozy lunch so am going at 11am instead. Plenty of time to revert to old habits afterwards. We set off to the rebirthing centre which is suspiciously down a back alley. At the entrance, several middle aged white men scuttle sheepishly out - am pretty sure they weren't there for the Hopi ear candles or fruit facial. I am greeted by a smiley Nepali girl and I can't decide whether her smile is based on 'here's another stupid foreigner to rip off' or whether she is genuinely pleased that I am interested in this ancient old therapeutic practice. Rufus is worried about leaving me in this strange, dark place as he might return in two hours and finds I am regressed to a baby but with no memory and internal injuries. He says he will bring a giant buggy and some adult nappies just in case.

My healer is about 18 years old, very slim and pretty and I have a sneaky suspicion she doesn't just do rebirthing. I am ushered into a bare carpeted room with only a gas heater and some cushions on the floor, no sign of Roman stone swimming baths, and to my dismay, an industrial tub of Vaseline. I mentally prepare for the worst. She told me to clean my nose which I though was a bit rude, and then showed me some simple breathing exercises, asking me to copy whatever she did. I realised quickly this wasn't a time to be self conscious as I found myself performing some kind of rain dance while wringing my hands at the ceiling and chanting 'Who am I?' repeatedly with my eyes closed. Then I had to lie on the floor and exhale deeply through my mouth whilst allowing whatever noise to come from within. Crying is fine, she said. I didn't feel like crying, I felt like laughing. Within a short space of time though a strange sound was filling the room, almost like someone in pain. I realised it was coming from me. An hour of spiritual healing followed where she touched my body lightly and at one point sat on me. The whole thing just made me need the toilet. Eventually I had to get up again and do two full minutes of star jumps while breathing out through my nose. I challenge anyone to do this - I was exhausted after the first 45 seconds and had to sheepishly bounce up and down with both feet on the floor instead of jumping.

I was then to lie back on the floor and clear my minds of all thoughts. Imagine you are on a spaceship, I thought she said and then began chanting 'existence is absolute'. I immediately start panicking and thinking of my sister's 40th in March, worrying if I still dress too young for my age and running through all the technical details of OJ Simpson's trial. I just can't stop thinking, my mind is full to the brim of bizarre and illogical thoughts and details. There is no space for relaxation. I am convinced this is either a sign of high intelligence or severe autism. I think on reflection she said 'imagine you are in your special place' but by then I was consumed with spaceships and was off on a weird sci-fi bender in my head. When I actually opened my eyes I discovered she had stopped chanting, had put on a tape instead and was now on the other side of the room checking her Facebook. I felt a little bit used.

She then said, rather menacingly and worryingly 'Now you are going to die'. Nobody wants to hear those words. I kept one eye open, focussed firmly on the Vaseline. I had to imagine my spirit leaving my rotten body on the floor and to rise above and away from it. This was weird, amazing and really worked - I felt removed from my body and trance-like, caught in the moment, as if I could really look down on myself (as if I don't do that enough). I had to leave my dead body on the floor, take my energy and prepare for the new life. I liked this bit and the idea of leaving behing the parts of yourself you no longer want. I felt hypnotised and briefly, would have done whatever she told me.

The next part involved forgiveness - I was to visualise everyone that has ever pissed me off in my lifetime and to emotionally forgive them. This was ok, acutally quite symbolic and helpful and I think I forgave everyone. Apart from Alison Gillespie who punched me hard in the face in the Bobby Jones nightclub when I was about 18, I'm not forgiving her. We then moved on to every therapist's favourite - my mother. I immediately just felt guilty - my poor mother is coming to visit me in Thailand in 10 days, and as she is old and anxious and no longer trusts me, she had asked me for the details of the hotels we are staying in. Thinking I was funny, I googled Thailand's two worst hotels and sent her the links. But then I couldn't get hold of her for the next few days and apparently her Hogmanay and New Year's Day was totally ruined as she fretted, worried and screamed at my dad whilst angrily packing for 8 days in a dormitory at Les Bobos Backpackers Hostel in Hua Hin. Sorry, Gan Gan. Joke backfired.

My nice Nepali therapist told me at the end of the 90 minute session that I had something wrong with my stomach (I'm just hungry, I tell her) and that my mind races too much. Tell me something I don't know. I also ungraciously parted with 2500 rupees (about £20) which I'm sure she'll spend on booze later on. But I feel energised and positive and ready to face my new life. I think there is a lot to learn from the spiritual world and I was definitely moved by the experience. There is a whole set of feelings and emotions attached to spirituality and the sensations are strong. But whilst I believe it completely cleanses your aura and rids you of all your negative energy, I don't believe it removes your past mistakes, wipes your slate clean and gives you a fresh start. Otherwise surely Rose West would have done it.