I decided to break up this blog today by just telling a pointless story about Frank, his younger brother Fred, and their father Bruce. Enjoy! Maybe it was the alcohol, or the cute cuddling selfies they did before going to sleep, but whatever it was, Frank had a much better sleep sharing the bed with Fred last night than the last time they did in Dublin! Then again, maybe it was because they had to be up before 5am this morning so there wasn't all that much night time anyway, but despite this, they still found time to spoon this morning! They're so cute. They had a massive day today moving around, hence the super early start, because they had to make their way back to Amsterdam to meet that forgotten woman from the other side of the world, their mum and wife, Audrey. For something different, their chosen mode of transport today was a ferry cruise across the North Sea from Harwich to the Hook of Holland, which would not only get them back to the Netherlands, but would provide an opportunity to relax for the day while doing it, so the early start wasn't really such a big deal! Their first task though was getting the train to the port, which in general should be simple, but was made oh so unnecessarily difficult for them today! Once Frank and Fred had reluctantly pried away from spooning, and once they were all ready to go, they checked out and requested the hotel attendant call them a taxi so they could get to the station on the other side of London. So the attendant made the call...to his sidekick who was literally standing 20 metres away from them on the street out the front of the hotel. In turn, his sidekick's idea of finding a taxi was to walk 20 metres to the end of the quiet residential street and gaze out looking for one. Who would've thought that's how you attract a taxi? Useless. Seeing how easy that looked to procure a taxi, Bruce, Fred and Frank thanked him (********tingly) for his help and decided to go it alone searching. They walked up to the main street, you know, in a street where cars are actually travelling at this time of morning, hoping to increase their chances of finding one. London is not short of taxis, but of course in their time of need they were struggling to find one, and time was getting away fast! Finally at the station they found an elusive taxi, and reassuringly they knew they should still have the best part of 25 minutes free once they got to the station. Phew! And this was the case too; they had a smooth run across the city to Liverpool Street Station. A certain highlight of this trip, and indeed most certainly Frank's lifetime, was going past Tower 42. Yeah yeah. Once in the station, they noted that their train was on the departures board, but was yet to be given a platform number. After all that, they were early! With 15 minutes before departure, the platform still hadn't been allotted, and they were beginning to get a bit anxious. These nerves continued to grow through the 10 minute mark and really started at the five minute mark. Finally inside five minutes to departure, a friendly announcement over the loudspeaker apologised for the delay in getting platform information up for their train, but they 'endeavoured to get it up as soon as possible'. Well let's hope so! At least they knew they had acknowledged it, and were less panicked - if the station didn't give info on how to get on the train, there was no way it could go at its scheduled time. With three minutes left to the scheduled departure, finally the station gave Bruce, Frank and Fred a platform number, and they hurriedly made their way to the required platform. Unfortunately an absolutely packed train was just arriving and they couldn't get through the gates till all the passengers cleared. But they were desperate, and had to push their way through, because they started to get this feeling the train wouldn't be delayed despite them leaving it to the last few minutes to tell them how to get on. With less than a minute to departure they made it to the platform. But the train was right up the other end of it. ****. They had to absolutely leg it to the end to jump on, and got there with only about 20 seconds to spare, before the doors closed and the train departed. That was close. It was lucky lucky they did get the train too, because Frank would've been ready to bite someone's head off if they'd missed it. Actually, in his mind he imagined that, him tearing strips off them, but in reality he knew he'd just bend over and take it. But he would write a scathing email - words were his weapon of choice! Maybe he still will! Actually, if he does, he'll just fall further behind in a blog he's been writing, so maybe he'll rethink that. Besides, they all got there in the end. All's well that ends well! They had a couple of hours on the train before it arrived at the port and their boat. Before long Bruce had fallen asleep. Old man. Frank and Fred pulled the hairs on his legs a couple of times to wake him up. He had to so be looking forward to Audrey coming over and ridding himself of those two. By far the funniest moment on the train came when the morbidly obese man next to them was startled. He also fell asleep just after he boarded the train, and eventually the train was moving at a rapid pace down the tracks. All of a sudden a train moving at just as rapid a pace the other way flew by the track next to theirs, honking its horn in the process. You wouldn't believe a man of his size could jump, but jump he did! It was hilarious! When Bruce, Frank and Fred arrived at the port, they made their way up through check-in and immigration, scoring themselves another stamp in their passports in the process (whoo hoo!). It was all relatively simple, and pretty soon they were crossing the gangway into the ship. Oh hello transvestite woman! Yep, they were clearly on the boat going to Holland! Despite it being a day crossing, they decided to book a cabin, which not only made it easy to store their stuff, but gave them somewhere private to rest for the voyage, as the crossing was going to take the best part of seven hours. The ferry was pretty big - not only did it have cabins, but it also has restaurants, shops, cafés, a gaming room, and bars. But most importantly it had wifi, meaning wifi all day! On the subject of the gaming room though, it was funny! It couldn't open till a certain hour because of Dutch gaming rules. So the Dutch; they'll **** anything that moves, smoke anything that can be lit, but won't dare gamble before lunch! Frank joined Bruce and Fred later for breakfast, before they decided to head up for a nap! Not Frank though, he had a great sleep cuddling with Fred so was refreshed, and remained enjoying his juice at the café! As it was a favourable hour in his home country, he decided to utilise the free wifi and call some friends there, and it was really nice to hear some friendly voices! After a little while, Bruce rejoined Frank at the café. Fred was still snoring his head off in the cabin! They went for a bit of a look around the ship before heading back to the cabin to meet him and relax a little more! I'd say the rest of their trip went swimmingly, which ordinarily would mean it went fine, but in these circumstances could give the impression that the boat sunk and they had to swim. It didn't and they didn't, so I won't! Eventually they went and got some lunch, then settled in at the ocean bar for a few pints in the last couple of hours of the voyage. When the boat docked, and they were a little ******, they went and collected their bags from the cabin and moved through border control. Score, another stamp! The final part of today's epic journey involved getting the train from the port and back into Amsterdam, which left about 45 minutes after their boat docked. Right opposite the station was a fish store, and Bruce yet again displayed his penguin qualities, excitedly buying stocks in the store. He was so happy. Fred noted to himself; it'll be much cheaper and so much more exciting for Dad to just buy him salted herring for his birthdays from now on, as opposed to a trip to Europe. Frank and Fred can't compete! While waiting for the train, the three of them also discussed the logistics for tonight. Audrey got in at about 8pm, and their train in Amsterdam about 7pm, so they agreed that it'd probably be cutting it too fine to get to Amsterdam, check into their apartment, and then get back out to the airport in time to meet her. Plus, Frank had been tossing up whether to get a tattoo of a windmill on his **** like Fred when they got back to Amsterdam. So they decided the best thing to do would be for Bruce to get off at the airport station to meet Audrey, while Frank and Fred would go into Amsterdam and search for a tattoo place! It would mean they'd be able to pass the time till Bruce had collected Audrey and then get to the apartment, and they'd be able to meet them when they were done. When they eventually got on the train it was packed! There were no seats, so they had to just hang out in between the carriages. Frank felt so lethargic that he was actually falling asleep standing over his bag! As planned, Bruce disembarked at the airport, and 20 minutes later, Frank and Fred were back in the centre of Amsterdam. Having had so long here at the start, they felt like they knew the place. It was nice to step off the train and be familiar with a place - to some extent they felt a little bit home! As they had all their stuff, Frank and Fred really wanted to dump it in the lockers at the station to save them carting it around the Amsterdam streets, but weren't sure if Fred's bag would fit in there. Unbelievably it did, and I think from the moment the locker clicked shut, they knew they were in for a big night! They made their way towards the Red Light District to find a tattoo place. Unfortunately it was getting late, and the first one they found was closed! They assumed this would be the case of all of them, and quickly refocused their purpose by finding a bar! They found a bar and ordered their beers! The beers flowed quickly and so too did the ************! Being in Amsterdam, naturally they discussed whether they would actually ever consider visiting a coffee shop, as part of the experience of being in the place! To a certain extent, they were a little sheltered, and not really had this consideration before. But whether it be the freely flowing alcohol, some curiosity, the age old 'when in Rome...' argument, or maybe a bit of it all, they both declared that yes, they would possibly consider having a browny, and Frank suggested he'd even contemplate smoking a joint! Them two party animals them! They moved onto another bar, then another, and the night was quickly becoming a big one! By their third (or fourth, fifth, eighth - I dunno) bar, they'd made friends with this Northern Irishman bloke who was only too keen to let them know that the North was the best Ireland. Knowing Northern Ireland's violent past, Frank and Fred quickly agreed, not wishing to risk a bashing! But Northern Irish bloke was so friendly, that he invited them back to his hotel. At first Frank thought he meant back to his room to drink, which concerned him greatly, but Fred knew he meant in the bar at the hotel that he was staying at, and in explaining this to Frank, they agreed to go to this next bar. From here on, the night got blurry! A highlight for Frank was going to the toilet at the bar, and discovering the window on the way had good views to the red light window across the lane. This was his chance to get a photo of one of the girls, as they're not generally too keen on it! On his way back, he took that opportunity! Funnily, the girl still saw him do it, and the resultant photo shows her general annoyance at his sneaky photo! Hilarious (and as luck would have it, Frank supplied a photo for this blog!) Moving on from that bar, without Northern Irish bloke in tow (and with no idea what happened to him), Frank and Fred decided it was time! They stumbled into a coffee shop and, dismayed they had no brownies, ordered instead a cupcake to share! They consumed it (yum) in the dimly lit, low ceiling basement and continued onto another bar, and to start ************ with the girls in the windows! Almost out of nowhere, a tremendous amount of motivation consumed them both, and within minutes they'd made their way into another coffee shop. They were going to do it. They were going to smoke a joint! Purchasing one each, they made their way to the back of the shop. Displaying every bit the amateurs they are (it was the first time they'd ever smoked anything), they had to borrow a lighter from somebody else, then relight the things a few times as they puffed away. Losers! At the end of it, they rejoined the streets and continued their quest ************ the girls in the windows. When one of the girls told Frank she'd give him a fun night, Frank stopped, looked her in the eye and retorted: "Lady, I would absolutely make your night". When she tried to pull him into the door, Frank broke away - she wasn't getting that lucky! Meanwhile Fred continued his crusade to see how cheap he could talk them down to, to varying degrees of success. But all of a sudden, again an incredible wave of motivation washed over the both of them, and they found themselves back in the coffee shop buying two more joints! Each! In their state, they decided they wanted another one, and that they should also take one each back for Bruce and Audrey so they could all sit around as a happy family sharing them at breakfast tomorrow. Top idea fellas, they'd surely be up for that! This time they smoked their joints in a different area of the shop, but halfway through they were kicked outside as apparently they weren't allowed to smoke in that area. So at about 2am they were smoking a joint on an Amsterdam Red Light District street. Classy! They decided to have one last round talking to the girls in the windows before calling it a night. Frank happily waltzed along high-fiving and congratulating blokes every time he saw one emerge from a window, while Fred was getting some seriously low prices for some really dirty acts from some even dirtier girls! But they were getting the munchies. Bad. And when that hunger overtook the fun of ************ the girls, they sought food, and found some in gloriously delicious pizza! Yum! After pizza, with the night well past 3am, they decided they better head home. They almost jumped in a taxi, then remembered they still had their bags at the station, so headed in that direction. When they got there, pretty much the whole station was closed, except for the lockers, which required going through the police to get in! They explained that they needed to get their bags, and showed a policeman their collection tickets. The policeman promptly took the tickets, and asked them "what bags, I don't see any ticket?". Fred's smile disappeared quick smart, while Frank put on a nervous grin, before the policeman laughed and gave them back their tickets! Legend! After gathering their bags, Frank and Fred made their way to the taxi rank and caught a taxi back to the apartment. As a final, merciless task, there was a roadblock after the taxi dropped them off, and the two had to walk right around the block to get home. Strangely, they only saw this as funny! Finally at about 4am, they knocked on the door to get in! The door opened. There was Bruce, who left them assuming they were getting tattoos at 7pm and hadn't slept! There was Audrey, who hadn't seen her sheltered angelic sons in a month. And there was Frank and Fred - drunk, stoned, and so very very very happy to see them! The end! *The characters and events in this story are purely fictitious and any similarities to real people or events is merely coincidental.