"I have long feared that the sins of my past will come back to visit me... And the cost is more than I can bear"

-- The Patriot

"You know what? I've never done the right thing in my life - not once.... That takes skill"

-- The Long Kiss Goodnight


Here on Travelpod, my favourite web site in the whole land, they have this thing. They call it the Local Expert, where they ask their respected members to become an expert for their own special part of the globe. It could be somewhere you travelled to a lot, somewhere you lived a while or your hometown.

Now, despite my International Bum status, I have never really been anywhere long enough to become an expert in it. Melbourne would be the closest, at around five or six months, but I'm no expert. At least, not when compared to someone who, say, lives in Melbourne. So there's the option of becoming an 'expert' of my hometown of Nottingham... And giving fellow travels whatever help and assistance they could possibly require when planning a visit to 'the home of Robin Hood'.

However, I find it impossible to really commit to the task. Before I left Nottingham I never really liked it, and now I'm back again... Well, the place is a s***hole.

It's not just the negativity of being home after over a year of travel - that may play a part, but as I'm very much 'passing through' I don't really feel it.

It's just a s***hole.

I won't harp on about it, as it's impossible to have a go at your hometown without sounding like you have your head up your own arse...

Since I've been back I've been working quite a bit, and finding the time to catch up with friends and well-wishers. In fact, I've had to explain what I'm doing back in England and how come I flew home no less than 16 times - although 13 of these were to the same person. I know I'm travelling around the world without flying, but I'm on holiday from that at the moment - if anyone knows how to get from Australia to England to America to England to Australia in a month without resorting to flying then please write in and I'll know for next time. It's only going to get more complicated next year when Karim seems to be insisting on getting married in Italy - as far as I know I'll be somewhere like New Zealand. Why won't people wait for me to get finished being a bum before they get all grown up?

Speaking of which, my older brother's much anticipated wedding is all but upon me already. I'm off tomorrow to sunny Las Vegas for five days of Stag Night tomfoolery. Then home for a couple of days and then off again for the wedding.

Vinny is currently in America with Adam the American - unfortunately my job didn't allow me the time (or, indeed, money) to go two weeks early and meet up with the boys, but Vinny's meeting us in Las Vegas on Saturday, then joining us at home for the wedding.

My best man's speech is finally taking shape, and, to be blunt, it's gold. I had initially wanted to start with a reference to the last time I was best man - only two people stormed off in a huff during my speech, and although the groom is still talking to me he isn't, unfortunately, talking to his now ex-wife... But then I remembered they did that gag in Four Weddings and a Funeral, and I couldn't run the risk of wedding guests having the same anal film knowledge that I do. But it all turned out for the best as the alternative is far better.

Anyway, being at home has been all well and good, but I am very much looking forward to returning to Australia. As soon as the wedding is over then it's going to be all about keeping my head down and staying out of trouble, amassing a small fortune in a ridiculously short time and getting out of dodge.

In the meantime, I've got to go and pack... Vegas (baby) beckons....