"Don't move.... he can't see you if you don't move" - Jurassic Park

"My mommy said there weren't any monsters, any real ones.... but there are" - Aliens



You are warned when you visit China that you will experience a massive culture shock. More so than almost anywhere else in the world, you are advised to prepare to be shocked and baffled.

Not true.

There are the same touts, hotels, restaurants, money changers, shoe shiners, bead sellers, food stalls and general all round money makers here that you would find in any other Asian country in the world.

You see my dear fellows, there is a massive culture shock here but it isn't us, the westerners, that feel it. It's the poor Chinese. I mean, there should be something in place to help them better deal with the sight of us but there isn't.

From Beijing we have been out to the small town of Hohhot, and then the slightly less small town of Yingshuan. We are treated like celebrity. Well, not quite celebrity. We are treated like escaped circus animals, or people famous for doing very bad things like eating children (calm yourself Bruce Cambell).

We are stared at in the street. People nudge their friends and point at us, to make sure nobody is going to miss the sight. Young children either run up to us laughing and pointing or turn to their mothers in tears. At the bus station the other day we were sat doing quite literally nothing, aware that thirty four pairs of eyes were upon us, watching our every lack of movement.

You are faced with the feeling that you are the first white face to ever appear in these places - which, of course, you're not. So we are left wondering when the Chinese are going to get used to seeing us. As it stands at the moment, we keep surpressing the urge to run over to them, give them a cuddle and whisper "Shhhh, there there, it's going to be alright".

In just less than two years Beijing will be hosting the Olympics. There is a lot to be said about China using this event to really make their mark on the world, and step up as the superpower for the twenty first century. Which is all very well and good, but personally I think they're going to have to calm their nerves first.

Example:

Huan and Hoh are sports commentators at the Beijing Olympics. The following is an extract from their coverage of the men's polevault.

Huan: Well, it's certainly a nice day for it. I don't think our competitors could ask for better conditions for their event. What do you think of Canada's chances Hoh?
Hoh: Well, like you say Huan, the conditions are ideal. I really think it's a matter of.... I'm going to have to break off now, because the competitors are starting to take the field.
Huan: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT??
Hoh: LOOK AT IT!! LOOK AT IT!!
Huan: RUN!!!!!!!
Hoh: KILL IT!!
Huan: MY EYES!! OH SWEET GOD MY EYES!!

So as you can see, there's a little way still to go. And they probably wouldn't use expressions like 'oh sweet god' as they have to pretend to be athiests in the People's Republic.

Oh, and while I'm talking about China, I'd like to go on record as saying it's the least communist communist country ever. It's kind of like a capitalist dictatorship, if there is such a thing. But I'm going to wait until we've been here longer before I go off on my tirade.

So wait and see babies...

xxx