"You're a call girl? Wait, you mean like a w****?" - True Romance


OK, so to continue our adventure... We had the previously mentioned hard seat overnight train to Hohhot - eleven hours of sat in cramped, uncomfortable seats being stared at by everyone else in the carraige - but in a fun way.

Then we got to Hohhot, and checked into a 'budget hotel'. People had warned us that being a forienger meant you got charged triple for everything in China. We haven't found that at all. So far every time the Chinaman on the street has had the opportunity to screw us over (taxis, meals, tickets etc) they haven't. In fact they're adament we get our right change and don't pay more than we should. Taxis and restaurants don't expect tips and many of them won't take them if offered. I like that.

And if we're paying more than locals for our hotel room, all I can say is good on them - because our twin room cost three pounds. Admittadly it was a bit grubby, with shared bathrooms and toilets. And admittedly the shared toilets were squat toliets, which are never a good thing. But still. Three quid.

So we had a nice wander around Hohhot, got to experience small town Chinese mentality towards foriengers (more on that later) and tried to get a ticket to our next destination, Yingchuan. Again, good things happened. Despite warnings that buying tickets in China was extremely difficult, we were looked after and spoken to in English, the staff going out of their way to make sure we had the ticket we wanted. As it turned out the only ticket available was a hard seat second class (a new subclass we hadn't even heard of, that basically means standing by the toilets for 13 hours if you're lucky) but that wasn't their fault.

Back to the hotel then and fortunately we were leaving at midnight so wouldn't have to have too many experiences with the squat toilet (one is always enough). We had been trying to avoid the local tour guide who was insisting we went on a tour of the nearby grasslands that were 'almost as good as passing through Mongolia itself', and so far had been successful. The phone rang at one stage and Vinny had a rather strange conversation with a woman who spoke no English whatsoever.

An hour or so later there was a knock on the door. Vinny had batted off the last visit from the tour guide so it was my turn. There was a relatively attractive woman at the door, who stepped past me as soon as I opened it.

"Hello", said I.

The lady said something in Mandarin.

"Er... Can I help you?"

Something else. A smile.

"I don't speak Mandarin", for perhaps this wasn't obvious.

A strange gesture, like the girl was looking down her own top and then up to me as if for a second opinion.

"Ahhhhhh", realisation dawning if not early than at least, finally, bright, "you're a hooker!"

It was then explained politely that the free shampoo and use of the towel were all the hotel facilities we were interested in, and she left with a rather put out pout.

It was then surmised that the hooker had been the lady on the phone, and when she couldn't make her intentions clear she decided to wander over and chance her arm, so to speak. Can't blame a girl for trying.

We got onto the night train (passing the hooker sat on a scooter outside, still looking put out), and tried to stand somewhere where we could blend in. It is futile for the pair of us to blend in anywhere, at anytime, for any reason. Everyone was staring at us, as usual.

For the first couple of hours Vinny appeared to have been lucky, as everyone near him kept getting up to go to the toilet or smoke a cigarette, allowing him a few minutes sit down. The people I was stood next too were obviously seasoned pros, and their bladders were going nowhere.

Vinny had been making polite conversation (smiling) with the people nearby, and they had asked him where we were going. He showed them the ticket (as pronouncing Chinese place names in a way that the Chinese can understand is almost impossible) and they expressed their incredulity that we were planning on standing for 13 hours. After that, a Chinese woman offered me her seat. I refused, being the gentleman I am, but she insisted so I sat down for five minutes. Then another woman made the same offer to Vinny. He was also going through the motions of refusing, but then two young men got up, allowing us both to stay sat down and the women who had offered us their seats. They were getting off in two stops time, they said, and didn't mind standing.

We kept offering to return the seats to their owners, but were almost physically prevented from doing so. Even when it turned out that two stops time was three hours, they wouldn't hear of us getting up.

I mean that's just nice.