Your reflection is simply not the whole you.....

Past week I have been on the move everyday with one night in each city as I move quicklyup the coast and fiish my 21 days on the road...after kroombit, I went to airlie beach, then magnetic island and now I am in Cairnes...In Airlie beach I left the group of friends I had made to finish up my trip on my own, I have a few things I want to see and do alone, and while I initially felt a lot of lonliness, that feeling went away as quick as it came, because it is so easy to meet people on the road....

While i've had some time away from the others i've been able to reflect about my time on the road, and it brought me back to a topic I've been thinking about for a few months now....The essence of beauty....600 years ago Leonardo Da Vinci used mathematic proportions to painting to create a perfect face, but what he couldn't give his paintings was a self-esteem, and Iam beginning to understand that when you begin to really love your true self and feel confident about the choices you are making your self perception is affected.

I have always thought and would tell people that the essence of beauty was fully linked to inner beauty, but now i feel differently, i have discovered it is a combination of everything you do...helath, inner, outer, and especially your environment....you will percieve your own attractivness differently if you are constantly in an environment that makes you feel sloppy or out of control, or a relationship that makes you feel unworthy and far from loved, or a job that doesn't consider your self worth its just a pay check.

Its not about how others percieve your beauty, but the confidence you have from within to make and change your own perception...

I started thinking about this because before i left for oz, a few people said, make it a holiday, australia has no culture, ect ect...but honestly, they do have culture, it isn't the duomo in firenze, or the tuscan setting, but what it does offer is a chance to be in the open space and without clothing, hair, shoes, bags, looks, career...you find out who you are without all the masks.

When you ask people why australia? they get a glassy look over the eyes, zone out and say "I just always wanted to see it"...noone really knows why they are here or what they are searching for....without australia tourism even knowing it...they are set up like a full blown psychiatric ward, that should win awards for helping people. Each hostel, each trip package is all designed to give you the freedom, independance you need to make tough choices about your finances and what activities are going to get you to understand yourself better, and whats important. it might sound silly all of this, but i consider the past 8 years in NY, i've been chasing my tail around between my legs doing the same thing over and over and over again, each time i'm dating the same person with a different face, each time im in a career thats just not it, each time the apartment could be better or have something else...and while this is americas reality...no therapy that ive looked into has helped me figure out who i truly am and what i want...except taking the time and making (me) do it. All the status symbols you collect for yourself, and the things you collect, didnt make the daily grind of living any better for me, and its what almost killed my spirit. unhappiness is contagious, fear is contagious, its simple for me to blame the rest of the world for my issues, but when the bottom line comes and the mirror is in front of your face, your not surrounded by anyone, you have to answer the tough questions...

I'm not telling people quit your job, your family, and go to OZ. Ive met people here that have traveled on less money you could possibly think of, but if travel isnt your thing, stepping away from a situation in some capacity should be, if you truly are miserable. I feel the pinnacle moment for me was my grandfathers funeral. 90 years he experienced the world and listening to the rabbi speak of his accomplishments and how many lives he had touched really moved me...i got up at his funeral and made a bunch of promises, that i had read to him before his death. At the shiva house the family was sitting around discussing my love life and how pathetic it was, they actually sat there and rated my exes on a scale...who was the best, worst, doable....i got the sad eyes....why cant you find someone look....and then the icing on the cake my great uncle decided to get in onmy career and thought i should start a hot dog stand...and if i really wanted to make money, wear a bikini and went on and on and on about permits, and going to miami....I have never in my entire life wanted more then to run down the street screaming, i felt worthless, i felt alone and scared with my grandpa gone, and i knew my life was far from where it should be....this was the moment i stopped making promises to everyone else and made a promise to myself to surround myself with people who made me feel good, who really knew ilyssa, who were in it for 50/50...not 80/20. i promised id take my trip regardless of what anyone thought, or a man trying to hold me back for there own selfish reasons that would only turn into another empty relationship because...i had not found myself yet. My family may have been ready for marriage a career and kids...but i was not, im still not, and im okay with the fact that i may never be, and i will have to find something in my life that works for me, not everyone else. I made a promise not to return, until I answer all the tough questions, and can stand tall and tell him to go shove his hot dog stand where the sun doesn't shine......

Your pathway out of your valley of despair is always...considering your NEW emotional options....