THE OUTBACK:

I must say that Kroombit has been my favorite place in australia so far...I had no idea what to expect, but when the bus drove up and we were greeted by real australian cowboys...my heart skipped a beat. They had the tourist thing going for them, but the vibe of the place was the real outback, with animals everywhere...horses free, cows free, dogs, cats, dingos, everything. After a proper beef lunch, I decided to herd goat. My horses name was phenox, and he was amazing...I thought for sure it would be a toursit ride, i was so wrong, they actually really put us to work! The dog Fred followed my horse around and we stayed behind the goats screaming at them to move...as well, they basically assumed you knew how to ride...you could take the horse anywhere it was amazing, once we got all the goats rounded up we went on a fantastic ride through the outback....but the day was far from over for me....

after the herding, we followed a cowboy or ringer (a) to shoot guns...I must say I enjoyed myself more then I probably should have...holding a double barrel shot gun is quite powerful. The cowboy John a native kiwi, was quite helpful with instruction hitting the target, and when the shot went off...I really got a rush through my entire body...i can see how shooting ranges help people relax...although it probably wont be a sport I will take up in the future, it was an experience I will never forget...after which I roped a goat, and felt so bad for doing it, that i ended up petting the goat instead of grabbing its horns...the cowboy kiwi had a good time with me calling me in the ring with a lot of NY comments...

The evening activities are what I feel pretty made me feel a shift that I have been searching for on this trip....The owner of the cattle ranch Alan, was trully an amzing guy, he has been in the outback since the 50's and when i asked him if he had been anywhere else he said why? I have everything I need here...I couldn't help but agree with him, he really did....He was to instruct us on using a whip properly, and explained how to do it and why it was used...and then it hit me...

Here I am in the dark on a cattle ranch in the outback, standing on a milk crate, with goggles practicing how to crack a whip, which is quite difficult. I just got off an island surrounded by sand and sharks, and high tides, I shot a gun, herded goat, road a horse wildey, and body slammed a goat... I was surrounded by australian cowboys and people i most likely will never ever see again in this lifetime...I raised the whip up brought it down, it didn't crack...again and again I tried raising the whip up and not getting the crack. Alan pulled me away from the others, made me stand on a high rock, and gave me his whip, he guided my arm back and back up and said faster down! I followed his instruction relentlessly, but still felt nothing but fear of this whip slashing open my other arm...Alan looked at me with these eyes...that i swear just told me a million stories..i saw years of hardwork, heartbreak, routine, and quickly made up my own fantasies of his cowboy lifestyle over the years... "Get ANGRY mate!" ....what I said... "mate, you have an ex? let it out for bloody sake!"....I don't know what happened to me in that moment...maybe it was the long day and the dopamine high of all the crazy out of comfort zone activities ive been doing, but something snapped in me, and i repeated to myself...let it out....it was almost as if i had been waiting for someone to give me permission all these years, to just say ENOUGH! and let it out, not take care of anyone else, not be treated poorly, not take anyones crap or hear a million different opinions about how and what i should do with my life....my head started swirling with a collage of memories from when i was a little girl and I thought of my biological father I raised my arm up brought it down and CRACK!! one by one the memories of any pain Ive had or felt I brought my arm up and CRACK! the past 2 years and all the horrible relationships CRACK!! CRACK CRACK!!

at this point the goggles were off, i was off the high rock, my eyes wild and fearless, cracking that whip as if I was born a cowgirl, alone in my own private circus ring and with each hard crack, the pain, the hurt and the memories grew smaller and smaller....out of the corner of my eye I saw Alan...with his cowboyhat tipped over one eye, arms crossed, nodding his head with a huge grin from ear to ear...I placed his whip back in his overworked hand, put my other hand on top of his and whispered...thank you...I started walking away he grabbed my shoulder and said "no worries mate, my ranch is here...when you need it".. a soft nodd was all that was needed. I went on from there to win the bull riding rodeo...i contribute that to my strong legs;)

I went to bed that night feeling more free then I have in my 29 years...therapy? shoot a gun and crack a whip, connect with your inner child, cause everyone makes you grow up too fast anyway....

I emptied my cup...finally...now I can begin to start to try and refill it properly.