Messieurs, Dames. Bonsoir.

Where to begin. First of all, let me talk about the bus that I have travelled on over the past week. I am of the belief that most people on it are utter f*** wits. Never mind. I only really speak to 6 or so of the 47 people on it. Most are post A level home counties f***ers. They are all extremely stupid. As you will know, I don't like stupid people. One person ACTUALLY argued with me that the plural of a die was 'dices'. I nearly threw up. What a terrible c***

But anyway, aside from the god awful people, I have seen and done some f***ing wicked stuff. In Cathedral Cove I went sea kayaking. I took a single kayak cos I'm badass. We landed on this wicked beach and had hot drinks and ran around a bit. it was very tiring but worth it.

The next day I went on a caving expedition which involved a lot of cold water, abseiling and confined spaces. It was surprisingly good. I got cold as f*** but really enjoyed it. There were only 8 of us plus 2 guides so that was sweet as bro. Had a traditional Mauri dinner that evening which was ok. A bit dry. I didnt want to tell them though. It was an all you can eat buffet so I took full advantage and made myself feel a bit sick.

I took a days break from activities but went to a Mauri museum and geothermal park the following day. We were taught the haka. I managed to make myself look simultaneously scary as f*** and a complete p**** I'll try and upload the video. I think I strained my voice. Partly due to the amount of frustration that I had built up over time with the people that I have affectinately named the c*** Brigade.

The following day we arrived in Taupo which was actually quite good. It's a bit backwards but nevermind. The first day I did the Tongariro River crossing; a 17km hike which went around the bases of a bunch of mountains that were used in some LoTR film. I didn't pay much attention to the LoTR them but the views were just stunning. Hard work but awesome awesome awesome. I went skydiving at 9am the next day which initially scared the s*** out of me but was definitley worth it. The photos that I'm gopnna put up are slightly ridiculous but I had such a good time. Worth the money.

Spent a night in River Valley which was just idyllic. The countryside in NZ is better than I have ever seen. Even better than the Lakes! There was the option to go white water rafting but I decided against it as I was so tired from the previous early starts. I played 9 holes of golf instead. The country park that the hostel was set on is home to rolling hills, sheep cows and a f*** load of deer. Whilst I was playing, helicopters dumped loads of deer that had been culled earlier in the morning onto the side of the road. Quite a sight, I can tell you.

Now I am in Wellington. I have to say, during the day its probably quite a nice city and the best I have seen in NZ. Not hard really. Some quite good shops and cafe culture. Went to the Te Papa museum which was quite good for a free place. They had some drums in the kids section so I played on those for a while. However, the night life here is just DIRE. A capital city with such awful clubs and bars shouldnt be allwoed to exist. A veritable festival of s***. I think Lancaster is actually better. No, seriously. maybe it was just a bad night though. I'll never find out cos Im not gonna waste more cash on giving it another chance. Early start tomorrow. Getting the ferry to the south island. Back on the road again...

RE comments on my spelling... Those of you who know me well will know how much i hate spelling mistakes, grammatical errors etc. However, I type these as quickly as possible so I can get the f*** out and have fun so its quite likely that I mkae a msitaek or two. So yeah, I can do this in five mins and go sightseeing or crackwhoring or whatever. Unlike most of you who are reading this in the office...