Phuket: Terry the tortoise!
By Mike

Before I start, I should first clear something up. During our trip we will be doing some island hopping, not “some island hooping” as it says on the front page of our blog site. I noticed this the other day and wondered what sick Thai sex craze you all must be thinking we are getting up to!

Dave had told me about a place in Phuket called “Southern Fried Rice”. I had asked him where he stayed so at first I wasn’t sure if he was talking about a restaurant that he ate at a lot, but he advised me that it was the (rather unusual) name of a guest house. I suppose it did serve damn fine fried rice but at the same time the name doesn’t make it immediately obvious that it has very nice, huge bedrooms and free internet access. So it was written on the sign outside “Southern Fried Rice, Rooms, Food, Internet”. The sign also had a quote from a Trip Advisor review which said “A diamond in the crown of Phuket. 8 Beautiful rooms with free WiFi internet. The Best Thai food we had in Phuket was at Southern Fried Rice”. It was so much better than the review Dave left on Trip Advisor after staying at our hotel in Amsterdam that included the cockroaches having antlers (one actually backed Gill into a corner) and “when you get cold at night due to the lack of heating, you can always knit yourself a sweater out of the pubic hair from the bathroom floor”.
We booked the room at Southern Fried Rice while we were still in Phi Phi. Gill reminds me that it was half an hour before the ferry was due to leave Phi Phi. The ferry crossing was pretty awful. We both had hangovers after sinking many Changs and eating crisps for tea the night before. Gill had drank 8 or 9 vodka sprites because wine was not on the happy hour menu. Gill is again letting me know that I MADE her drink as many as she could before happy hour finished at 10pm. Anyway, the owner of Southern Fried Rice, Terj (pronounced Terry) had a man come and pick us up from the airport. He told me he had had some people booked into the hotel in the past who had booked online and then when they got a taxi from the harbour the taxi drivers had told them the hotel was closed or dirty or a really bad location, and that he knew of a better one. This is quite a common scam in Thailand. He would be taking you to a friend’s hotel or one that charged commission. Alternatively he would simply be taking you to one that is much closer, having already agreed the price with you when he picked you up. A guy tried this on us in Krabi. We were going to Ao Nang but had no accommodation booked so he tried convincing us to get out at Krabi town and go into the tourist information place. Krabi town was only 10 minutes away but Ao Nang was 40 minutes.
Terj’s place was neither closed, dirty or in a bad location. It was great. The rooms were huge and very clean and the food was fantastic. It was only a few minutes walk from the beach and had a pool next door that we could use. Terj is Norwegian and retired on a teachers pension to Phuket 7 years ago and bought the place with his 23 year old wife. Terj is 67 and has a two and a half year old son called Jacob. Jacob was always coming over and saying “hallo” and “how are yoooooo.” Terj told us that he spoke quite good Thai but only those phrases in English. He said that Jacob was aware that Terj was not Thai, even at this early age despite Terj being able to speak Thai, and referred to him as a “how are yoooo” person. Terj was very helpful from the moment we met him, always asking if everything was OK, whether we needed anything, if we wanted to go on tours, giving us bits of advice. OK, sometimes we were in the middle of eating a meal whilst he did this but he was just trying to help. He did take us on a couple of trips which I will mention later. The evening we arrived we had a meal at Southern Fried Rice, which was beautiful. Nearly all of the food we have eaten in Thailand has been excellent, always very fresh and tasty but this was one of the best. I now much prefer Thai food to Chinese and would even prefer good Thai food to average or bad Indian food and that is saying something considering our love affair with Indian food every Saturday night for the past 5 or 6 years. After eating our lovely meal (and getting lots of tour advice and tips from Terj during the main course) we went out to see what was in the surrounding area. The guest house is in a place called Kata, which is a few miles away from the most popular area of Phuket, Patong. Kata has a nice beach, plenty of bars and restaurants to last us a few days stay there and I imagine it has less go go girls gyrating on or outside the bars when you are walking past with two kids (although we still saw quite a few in Kata). We walked along and found a place called DinoPark. It has kind of a Flintstones theme going on, with chairs and tables made from rocks and tree trunks, lots of moody, misty lighting and dinosaury sound effects, along with full scale dinosaur statues dotted around. You could eat and drink there if money was no concern of yours. That is a bit unfair, the beer and food was about the same price as in England but when it is usually so much cheaper here I feel like we are being ripped off if I have to pay £2 for a beer. A beer in Southern Fried Rice was 50 Baht (less than a pound) and DinoPark 120 Baht (more than £2). You all know me well so you know what decision I came to. We did all play dinogolf which also cost a lot of money, but Southern Fried Rice didn’t do crazy golf. The crazy golf course was the best one any of us has ever seen. The course was tricky and well made. I hate it when you play with the kids and the ball keeps flying out of the sides and hitting other people or bouncing across their play but no matter how hard Louis (or I) blasted it, the ball stayed on the course (except when I lost one in the water). The course followed the Dino theme, with spooky caves, volcanoes, misty lakes and lots of palms and ferns. And of course, giant Dinosaur statues. The whole place would not have looked out of place in Universal Studios. It would definitely have looked out of place in Gulliver’s World! On our way into DinoPark there was a man outside with a baby elephant. We all fed it some bananas and met the most over enthusiastic man we have ever met. Despite being from an Indian family and having lived in India for two years (he told us this, I am not guessing it) he had never seen an elephant and was positively gushing to the point he was nearly in tears. His kids didn’t seem that bothered! Maybe we have become travelling snobs too but he kept referring to Phuket (pronounced Pooket) as “Fooket” and Ko Phi Phi (Pee Pee) as “Koh Fee Fee” even though he had been to both. Did he think that the locals could not pronounce the name of their own island? Every time he said one of them I could see Gill cringe and I felt myself do it too. I even slipped in the odd “Pee Pee” or “Pooket” to see if it made any difference but he still kept saying it. A bit like the German man on the airport transfer bus who asked where Louis was from. Louis said “England” and the man said, “yes, but where, Birming ham? Notting ham? Lie chester sheer?

On the way back from Dino Golf we went to a few bars that didn’t have go go girls writhing outside and ended up in a poolside bar. There was no one else there so the kids couldn’t bother anyone and they hopefully wouldn’t witness any acts of prostitution. A few lads arrived later and one of the staff cleverly flirted all over them, massaging their egos and convincing them to buy more drinks. They bought her drinks too, but Terj tells me that although they paid for drinks for her, the bar staff were probably just topping her empty bottle up with water and charging for a beer. She also kept checking their bottles and asking if they wanted to order another as soon as they got nearly empty. She also kept raising her bottle (full of water) and “cheersing” all of their glasses to encourage them all to drink if they had stopped. From an outsiders point of view it was very interesting to watch and Gill and I were absorbed by it. It was happening everywhere, western men’s egos being boosted to sell more drinks. Terj told us that a lot of those girls also work as prostitutes but are allowed to hang out in the bars because they are good for business or the bars are family owned. He explained that prostitution is viewed very differently in Thailand and the parents are often supportive because it raises good money for the family. Of course, although Terj has lived in Thailand he is still a westerner and married into a Thai family so his views of Thai values and the explanations he is given by Thais might be slightly biased towards easing westerner’s consciences. At one point (while we were eating breakfast) he put Gill on the spot by asking what her views were on the prostitution going on in front of everyone’s eyes. Gill finished her mouthful of muesli before cleverly avoiding any definitive answer, much like a politician. She was afraid that if she aired any views she risked offending too many people. For instance, Terj could have known some of the girls. He could have been related by marriage. It turned out that one of the pool girls was staying at his guest house so she was probably right to keep her views to herself. “There’s too much of a cultural difference for me to make any judgement” was Gill’s skilful answer.

The next day we went back to the pool for a swim. We were again the only ones there and the clever ladies behind the bar pulled another trick out of their sleeve, jumping fully clothed in the pool with Louis and Daisy for hours. This meant we were probably likely to stay longer and sip more drinks around the pool instead of being in it. Perhaps I am a bit cynical but after the previous night’s display I think it is just clever sales technique. We had a relaxing day nevertheless and one of the staff’s daughter came into the pool and Louis played with a beach ball with her for ages.

Later on, Terj took us to go elephant trekking in the jungle. We fed them and got some pictures before climbing onto the seat on their backs. I was on one with Daisy and Gill was on one with Louis. We opted for only the 20 minute trek, and this turned out to be long enough. The elephant goes up some steep and bumpy tracks and it is a bit rough on the old back. Half way round the “driver” got off the elephant (he sits on its head) and took some pictures with our camera. He then lifted Daisy onto its head and let her ride the rest of the way round perched on top with me clinging onto her top whenever we got to a bumpy part. The driver of the other elephant lifted Louis up front with him too. On the way back, Terj took us to a viewpoint high in the mountains where we could see Kata Noi beach, Kata beach (ours), Karon beach and Patong. Ours looks the best! We walked along Karon beach on the last day and the waves were much too dangerous and there were “no swimming” flags all along it.

The following day we went to Kata beach. It was really nice. The waves were quite high if you went out a bit and Louis and I rented a bodyboard. We played in the surf for about an hour but then a big wave caught me by surprise as I was pushing Louis and there was a familiar “twang” in my lower backage. I told Louis I had to get out but he wanted one more perfect wave so I stayed until he caught one. I hobbled back to the shore and was met by Daisy who wanted a go as well after watching Louis. I gritted my teeth and gave her a few goes. It was even harder with her because it was in shallower water so I had to bend down. Three goes and I was done and spent the rest of the day in agony on a lounger. Gill kindly walked back to the room and got me some painkillers. There was a jetbike on a trailer hitched up to a motorbike on the beach and the kids got on to pretend to have a ride. The owner saw them and ran over. He hopped on his motorbike and towed them up and down the beach! They loved it. That night (it was Fathers Day) we went out for a cracking meal at a posh restaurant called “Peach”. The food took a little while to arrive, which is not usual here, and the kitchen had a big glass window so you could see into it. The kids stared, starving into the window for the whole time it took the chef to cook our food – no pressure there mate!

The next day we were due to go to “Fantasea”. It is a big theme park with the biggest buffet in Thailand and the biggest and best cultural show in Thailand. Or that is what we were told. It is also the most expensive show, buffet and theme park in Thailand and it cost £140 for the four of us, with no concessions for kids. Terj took us in his car. On the way he was telling us about the tsunami and that Phuket was particularly badly hit. What I didn’t realise was how long it took from the early signs to the wave actually hitting the beach, and that had people been properly informed more lives could have been saved. His nephew was visiting him and was at a restaurant about 15 minutes away in the mountains which we drove past, sparking this conversation from Terj. He saw the sea retreating, in much the same way as it does before a normal wave crashes but it retreated back hundreds of metres, leaving fish flapping on the shore. He instantly recognised the signs of a huge wave and even used the word tsunami when he phoned Terj. Most people had never heard the word tsunami before that day except for in the Manic Street Preachers song of the same name. Terj’s nephew phoned him in Kata and said, “the sea is retreating, this is the sign of a tsunami. A big wave is going to hit soon. Get out of your house and head for the hills where we are”. Terj was in the shower, had time to get out, get dressed and drive 15 minutes to the hilltop restaurant and they watched it happen from there. He told us that restaurant owners actually went TO the beach to collect the fish that were all over the shore as they had no idea what was about to happen. They were all taken by the wave. It amazed Gill and me that it could have been handled so much better with early warning. It didn’t hit other islands until 45 minutes later and yet they were still unprepared too.

As he continued towards Fantasea at Kamala Beach (which was also hit really bad), we drove past Patong beach (Kata was better). Patong beach is very very long and has a coastal road alongside it, lined with bars, restaurants and clubs. It looks a lot like a European holiday resort like Ibiza. Terj told us he was visiting a friend there whilst we were at Fantasea. I was convinced this was a euphemism for something but Gill said I was just being cynical (again).

When we pulled up outside Fantasea it was very impressive. Kind of like an Asian Disneyland (Paris). Women in traditional dress (not Minnie Mouse outfits) greeted us as we got out of the car and we felt a bit like celebs getting out on a red carpet or outside a fancy hotel in a movie. Once inside it continued the extravagance with lots of temple type golden buildings, elephants and people in fancy dress. I have to say that it isn’t as big a theme park as Disneyland (Paris), in fact, the only things to do with the kids are those “throw the ball and knock the cans off the shelf” type games and you had to pay for them. I was quite annoyed at the fact that this was all there was to do unless you were eating at the buffet. We were all starving. We had paid for the all you can eat “Golden Kinnaree” buffet so naturally none of us had eaten since a light breakfast. You’ve got to get your money’s worth haven’t you? The buffet was amazing, all kinds of Thai, western foods, salads, meats (including a special carved roast beef table) and curries. In fact I would go so far as to say that it was “a sumptuous feast of royal Thai dishes and International delicacies prepared by some of Thailand’s finest chefs” or did someone else say that on the leaflet. Either way, I would agree. Except for the deserts that is. They had some little cakes, which were nice enough (a bit like Mr Kiplings and a bit sickly after the 10th one) but then there were some other fruity looking sweets coated in sugary stuff. Whenever there is an all you can eat buffet, I figure this is a good time to try something new. If you don’t like it you can get something else. I had already tried sushi. Some of it I liked, bits of it were like bait though (bonito I think, for the New Zealanders). We tried the fruity things (I made Gill try them). We both thought they were going to be sickly sweet and had prepared ourselves for that. I don’t know exactly how you prepare yourself for a sweet taste but we had. Imagine how shocked we were when we both popped them in together and they tasted like mushy pea and kidney bean! If Louis had spat food out on the plate like we did, we would have gone mad but we just couldn’t help it, our synchronised spitting was a reflex action I think.

After the meal we went outside and the kids played on some of the games. I won Louis a toy frog by throwing hoops over a “coral”. Daisy wanted one too. She had one ticket left and the lady was calling us to tell us to leave because the show was starting. No pressure. Get 5 rings and throw 3 over the coral to win a prize. First ring, nope. Second ring, bounced off. The pressure was on, but I rose to it and landed the last 3 to bring home her a toy elephant. Daisy was made up with it, apparently oblivious to the fact that it was worth less than the cost of the ticket, and I was the hero for the night!

As we queued up to see the show, we passed through another security check and the most enforced “no cameras allowed” rule we have ever witnessed. We went through a metal detector, before being patted down by a lady with padded white gloves on, that looked a bit like Mickey Mouse hands. Any cameras or mobile phones found had to be put in a bag and handed over to the locker staff who gave you a tag to collect it later. The lady had not spotted my mobile phone (not sure what she thought it was through her Mickey hands but I am sure she flinched when she touched it) but Gill blew me up and when the man said “any mobile phones” Gill said “give him your mobile Mike” while I was shaking my head to his earlier question. The show itself was very flash. Lots of dancers in traditional costumes on a very big and elaborate stage. Huge parts of the set bigger than houses actually disappeared into the stage and then another one popped up. That said, the dancing bits got a bit samey and I enjoyed the bits in between the set changes. There were acrobats that hung from the ceiling above the crowd. The lights went off and they put on the fluorescent black lighting. These acrobats appeared from the ceiling in glowing suits. Their faces were blacked out but they had light up red eyes in their hooded heads, much like (as Louis pointed out)a Jawa from Star Wars (google it girls). They all swung around on their trapezes in time to the music but the best part, which I have never seen before was that they were attached to black bungy cords which you could not see. All of a sudden one appeared to fall off her trapeze above a gasping crowd, dropped about fifteen feet before boinging back up, doing a somersault and grabbing her trapeze again. Then they all did it in time and the trapeze act took on a new slant. Another act was a magician act, which was quite funny. The kids also definitely enjoyed these acts better than the cultural show, which had a lot of dancing and fighting about a story that none of us could really follow. Basically, the good guy won in the end and rescued the girl whilst dancing and fighting a lot. The rest was lost on us I think. The stage and dancing WERE impressive and the involvement of animals including elephants was very impressive and must have taken a lot of training and practice.

The most entertaining part of the evening though, happened during the drive home. You can try this yourself one day. Terj picked us up after visiting a friend. I think my assumption that it was a euphemism for having a massage was probably wrong. He had probably visited a friend, had clearly had a few beers and swerved off the edge of the road a couple of times. At the end of the show, balloons came down from the ceiling and the kids had one each. I was looking after the balloons in the back of the car so they didn’t distract Terj. How wrong I was! It was very hot in the back of the car and I asked Terj to turn up the air con. This seems to cause some confusion. Gill reckons to turn UP the aircon means raise the temperature and turn DOWN means make it cooler. I reckon turn UP means higher the fan and make it colder. I don’t know what Terj understood by my request but he adjusted something and the blast of hot/cold air made the balloon burst very loudly in my hand. Terj either thought his aircon had blown up, his tyre had blown or we had been shot by a sniper. He shrunk down in his seat, leaving the road, bumping across the dirt track, and nearly had a heart attack. I looked at Gill after we had returned to the road and it was clear we were not all going to die, and she had her hand across her mouth, laughing her head off. We both sat crying our eyes out with stifled laughter in the back for the next ten minutes, trying to hide out of his view in the rear view mirror. To this day we are still unsure whether he actually knows what made that bang. He never mentioned it, which seems odd. Gill and I are laughing again just thinking about it. Gill had a better view than me and said his head disappeared into his neck like a tortoise that was still holding onto the steering wheel with no head.

The next day we went to see the Big Buddha. You can see it on top of the mountain from miles around. It is quite impressive so we wanted to see it. We had asked Terj a few days before when he took us up to the view point but he made it quite clear he didn’t fancy the long drive. We asked Terj this morning to order his taxi to take us up. Just before the man was due to arrive it started lashing down with rain and a storm was brewing. “Terj’s taxi driver” (this is the same man who picked us up from the port and later took us to the airport. Gill felt it necessary to mention that he had smiley eyes) must have thought we were crazy! He kept looking up at the sky, looking up at the mountain and laughing. Or perhaps his eyes were always just smiley. I don’t think he usually had smiley eyes at all, he was just amused at how stupid we were for going up into the mountain of black cloud. Gill disagrees. Rather surprisingly, when we got to the top of the mountain it was hardly raining at all and it stopped after a few minutes. The Big Buddha is 45 metres tall and 25 metres across, built out of concrete slabs and covered with marble tiles. Quite a feat, especially considering it has been built mostly from donated money and is expected to only cost half a million pounds to build. You can pay to write your name and a message on the back of a marble tile before it is applied to the lotus seat part of the statue. It was £6. Guess whether we got one. I will give you a clue: when they stick the tile on, your name and message goes ON THE INSIDE. The men were still working on the statue, with rough sawn wood and bamboo scaffolding built up around it. It also looks as if it has a building inside it, like a temple. On our way down the steps, Louis found a huge millipede, about 15cm long and picked it up and put it on the umbrella.

On our last day we walked along Karon beach as I mentioned earlier. Did I also mention that Kata beach was better? It was a long hot walk and we were due to get the plane soon so I flagged a tuk tuk to take us back to Kata and was subsequently robbed of £4 and a pair of good sunglasses. Not literally. The fare was £4 for 1 mile (needs to get a job working for 5050 taxis) and as I grudgingly paid the fare I left my glasses on the seat. Terj the Oracle told us that there is a tuk tuk mafia that runs them all locally and sets the prices high and non negotiable.

We had a Burger King in the airport. It was only OK. I said I would let you know when we had Macdonalds or similar. We were all relieved to find out we haven’t got swine flu as we passed through the bio thermo scanner. It is good to get these regular tests for free. We could do with one of those on every street corner to reassure everyone in England.

We are flying to Koh Samui, where we have been before. We are staying in Maenam Village Bungalows on Maenam beach. We have also stayed there before so we are looking forward to returning “home”.

Sawasadee.

Next blog is from Koh Pha ngan