YOU GUYS. I feel soo amazing! Today in my c/o '16 group message, I found out I was not cast in ARITS. I felt such a flood of relief. Okay, that sounds horrible but I had been nervous about the show since I heard it was happening. This particular production just isn't for me. I wasn't proud of my audition and I knew it would be weeks before we heard back. I really wasn't at peace about any of my fall '15 plans and I didn't like that. This means God has called me elsewhere for that period. It will be interesting to see where I find myself! Two of the guys in our class were cast and we are all super excited! It's one of my favorite shows, so I definitely want to go see it! It's going to be phenomenal.

Before I go on about my eventful day (that included the best sundae I've ever had), I want to explain my previous statements. If you're reading this, I'm sure you know I LOVE ACTING. I enjoy it. I can do it just about anywhere. Just thinking about it makes me giddy. Regardless of how many people tell me I'm awesome & talented, or that I can't do this & won't make it on this business (yes, I've heard both multiple times), I'm gonna do it. I am going to act. I've been doing it since before I knew it had a name. I will continue to do it. However, I don't understand the craft in relation to my purpose. I don't care about fame or money. Yea, both are useful & money is like pretty important lol BUT I just can't get myself to strive for those things. I don't want to chase them. Honestly, the way we idolize both of those things is sickening. I don't see anyone growing from them. No one is truly benefiting from chasing those things. You are not being healed. God doesn't get any glory. I can't make money or fame my focus. I've tried doing that & it made me reject acting. I became more anxious. My mood swings were ridiculous. My performance/skill(s) suffered big time as a result. I left the last show of the year because I just couldn't do it.

My time in Buenos Aires has given me some much needed space and time away from acting. Away from theatre. Away from what I was revolving my life around. Yes, I'm using a lot of fragments & run-ons today. I love that each day I'm here, I HAVE to make choices. I have to choose to pray in the morning. I have to choose to study the Word. I have to choose to interact. I can't run on autopilot here & act out of duty, obligation, or habit. No one is going to say, "Mia, you need/have to do this." My parents here don't make me do anything. I have to remain present and face my day. Every day. Back home, my life was mostly theatre. I ran on a schedule. This, then that, then this. My spiritual life was out of duty. This because that, that because this. All that I did was habitual. I don't even think I was lukewarm. If there's something worse than being lukewarm, I was that.

I just wasn't choosing anything. At all. I didn't realize it was as bad as it was. I was chasing things for the wrong reasons. It was draining me. I wanted so-and-so to be happy, so I did this. I asked to do that, so I did that. I have no desire to be disobedient, but there is no way I can continue to function the way I was. I needed this time away from everyone & everything. I needed this time to say I'm going to trust you, God. I had to decide that I wanted to live like Christ. It's been very challenging. I tend to do as I'm told, but I often don't think about the task. I just go about it. I know now that that is not healthy for me. You have to choose God every day. Yesterday's anointing was for yesterday. There's a reason why vitamins are to be taken daily. The body needs those nutrients DAILY. You cannot take 2,000 mg of Vitamin B12 and be set for a week. No. You take one or two pills/gummies a day. You have to eat every day. You have to continue to provide your body with nutrients. The same is true of your spirit.

I have to nurture my spirit daily. My pastor here speaks in Spanish. Every one does. Thankfully, I don't need a translator to know when the Holy Spirit has entered a place. Worshipping in Spanish had me in tears immediately. The words I didn't understand carried the passion I never expressed in English. In Argentinian culture, passion is everything. Everyone is passionate. This is especially true, I noticed, of Christians. The believers I encounter are so on fire, they don't know how to be any other way. That's something I admire. HOWEVER, I do not want to be like them. Back in the U.S., I desired to emulate others that followed Christ because I wanted to be on fire as well. Here, it's just me usually. I don't speak enough Spanish yet to carry full conversations so I'm just listening to others speak. I can feel their fire and their love, but I cannot understand their words. Being around them made me appreciate God more because He brought me to this place. He has allowed me to do soo much. He continues to do so much for me. Feeling their love for God made me question why I don't often express mine. Turns out it's the same reason I didn't want to be cast in ARITS. The same reason I left the show. The same reason I found myself running from the gifts I've been blessed with. Gifts that are for certain tied to my purpose.

I have a fear of feeling.

Yes, I know. I'm emotional. I've said that often. I reiterated it yesterday. But guys, I don't like to feel. The stronger I feel about something, the more I try to run from it. Now I'm in a place where I cannot run anywhere but to God. Y'see, vulnerability is okay with me. I share personal stories all of the time. I'm vulnerable onstage. I'm vulnerable in my writing. But feeling in life terrifies me. Like outside-of-my-head feeling. The kind that involves action. Or, it did. I've had to express myself daily here. I have to say, "yes, I am uncomfortable right now." "No, I don't want to do this. I am going to do this instead." I have nothing to hide behind. It may not seem significant but it's huge for me. It's been frustrating. It's been challenging. & It's been soo necessary.

I don't have much to say about today other than my friends and I explored a few shops and did some homework together. We stopped at a nice ice cream shop. I had a brownie ice cream. So much chocolate. So much dulce de leche. Twas FANTASTIC. My empty cup is pictured above. I walked home in peace this evening. I am so grateful to be alive. I'm grateful for everyone in my life. & I'm grateful for free will. I'm happy to be able to feel. I'm happy to be about to choose. I know that when I do have the opportunity to do ARITS again, it'll be the right time. I've grown like crazy since I've been here and I still have a little over two weeks left :) Thank you, Lord. I have so much joy, y'all. So much joy :)