THE ROUGH GUIDE TO BALI (ACCORDING TO JIM AND DONNA)

Welcome to Bali. It is a island. It is part of Indonesia. It is a hot place and very humid. It is full of locals and Australians. It is a very small island about half the size of the Isle of Wight* yet 4.2 million Balinese live here which makes it very busy. There are literally people everywhere you look. And if there isn't then they are probably just around the corner.

Unlike on the Isle of Wight, Balinese people are predominantly Hindu. According to our guide, this means that they are far more in tune with their hearts rather than their heads. This makes them brilliant artists but not so good road planners. Some bright spark when designing all of the roads in Bali decided to make them all about 1 metre too thin to fit two cars side by side. This means whenever you are passing a car going the other way, it will develop into a game of chicken: which car will pull over first to let the other past. Balinese drivers are quite good at this game as they seem to have zero fear of death. Depending on your driver, this can make it very scary indeed or a very slow drive. Luckily most drivers we have had so far have been of the cautious variety which means any journey here takes exactly 1.5 hours no matter where you go. Which is quite a long time when you consider the island is about the size of the Isle of Wight*

For such a crowded island they still manage to have jolly big nice houses. These are pretty cool. They look like little castles/temples, with walled and gated exteriors and lots of separate little buildings on the inside. These are set out in an ordered and particular way. For example, the children are always housed in the north far away from the front entrance while the kitchen is always in the south next to the gate, so the women of the house can be near to greet any visitors while they are hard at work cooking dinner. We are very taken with them and are thinking of converting Donna's flat in Brighton into a Balinese walled castle/temple. I am sure we can get planning permission.

Balinese people are quite happy to celebrate deaths and cremations. Apparently, it is quite normal to receive a complimentary t-shirt whenever you go to one. Which sounds a bit morbid at first but if you compare it to our custom where the only celebration we get t-shirts from are stag and hen weekends, it probably makes more sense.

The Balinese currency is called the Rupee. The current conversion rate is currently 20,000 Rp to the pound. This makes it very simple to work out how much everything costs. You simply half it and take away 4 zeros. Donna hasn't quite got her head around this simple conversion yet but I am sure by the time we leave she will be bang up to speed with how much everything costs and will no longer be looking at me expectantly every time she tries to buy anything. This will probably be just in time for our arrival in Australia when she will have to start again working out how much she is spending.

Like the Isle of Wight, Bali is known for its beautiful beaches. Yesterday we hired a guide and driver to take us to see some of them. I cannot really say if most of them are nice because the first one was so good we decided to hire sunloungers and spend the whole day there.

We also visited a very big supermarket yesterday because we ask our guide to take us somewhere which sold lots of inflatables. We have added two inflatable rings (to be used in the swimming pool) to the list of essential travel items in our luggage that we simply cannot do without. We were very excided about the supermarket and it was a shame that we couldn't have stayed longer.

We are currently staying in Ubud which is known as the 'arty' place to stay in Bali. It is famous for having more masseurs (people that do massages) per size than anywhere else in the world. Something which I don't think anywhere on the Isle of Wight can boast.

The other day we found a beauty parlour and had an afternoon pampering. For 10 pounds I got a Balinese massage, a pedicure and a body scrub. While the massage was great and the pedicure was entirely necessary (the last polish I got in Koh Phi Phi was definitely starting to look a bit tatty), the body scrub was a new one for me.

And I have to say it will probably not happen again. I don't know if this was like a genuine body scrub but it seemed to involve being attacked with sand for half an hour while some evil woman tries her best to rub off my lovely tan, then being covered in yoghurt. It might have been strawberry flavoured, I am not sure. And that was it. Not really sure the point of it to be honest.

Ubud is also famous for having a monkey forest. This is like a park with lots of monkeys in it. 631 of them apparently according to the out of date sign. They are very tame and tend to live their lives being fed bananas by tourists. Overcoming my perfectly reasonable fear that every single monkey in the world has rabies, I had one sit on my head. It was very soft and cute. I think I might take him home with me.

There are lots of adults and baby monkeys. You can tell the difference between the adult and the babies because the adult ones are bigger and hairier.

There are lots of males and female monkeys. You can tell the difference because the males have little willies that are they are very keen to show off and play with.

So come to Bali, it is great. Or go to the Isle of Wight, it is also great.

Lots of Love

Jim and Donna

*This comparison is entirely made up. Bali is probably a lot bigger than the Isle of Wight, I haven't actually checked.