Good'day Nobbers,

Big oophs, I've been enjoying 'the life of a bum' for far too long... As a result, I've neglected this blog, as if it were an ex pornstar who had gotten fat.

So, you're wondering what me and the M.Hutch have been doing? Well, sit back and I'll tell you...

After Brisbane (it hurts my brain to think back that long...) We decided to book ourselves a bus journey to Surfers Paradise (Gold Coast). Wooooaahhhh! Missed out a chunk there...

Me and Moses both admitted that the American couple in our room back in Cairns, did our head's in. They were the weirdest couple I've ever met. Not that I have a problem with people who have wonky eyes, but both these unfortunate souls had wonky eyes, and wore the type of glasses that magnify the f*** out of this. This accentuated their 'eye wonkiness' even more.

We went out. Had a wonder around Brisbane town. Came back to our room to find THE SAME MESSED UP AMERICAN COUPLE... IN OUR ROOM.
I think I mouthed the words, "No f***ing way", whilst shaking my head to Moses.

I think you would've needed to be there to really appreciate how kooky these chumps were. I'm guessing this couple were in their late 20s/30s. You can imagine the sort of kids they were back in high school... They were the ones who would share a bowl of spaghetti in the toilets at lunch time to avoid getting bullied, holding hands whilst the other kids pummel them with baseballs in the sports field, and at the end of the year, they would roll up to prom in one of their parent's beaten up three wheeler, and wearing matching suits.

It would've been rude for us to pretend we didn't recognise them from the other hostel. So we spark up a conversation... The girl, Muriel started telling us about this fossil museum she'd visited. Her eyes grew wider with all the excitement as she elaborated on her fascinating fossil story. I damn right thought she was going to jizz her pants right there and then. She started making squeeky, shouting noises between her words, where she couldn't contain the excitement. It got weird. I think she could sense that me and Moses were smirking, so she eventually calmed herself. (little did she know, we were just masking our scared faces with smirks).

At first, we felt sorry for these people. They spent the best part of the day staying inside that tiny hostel room, on their laptops, watching computer games. WATCHING COMPUTER GAMES, NOT PLAYING... WATCHING.  
We later discovered that they were both taking medically prescribed 'antidepressants'. We listened to their phonecall to their doctor, Moses got on the case and googled the drug that they spelled out loud to the dude on the other end. We did this for our own good. Wanted to know what dealing with... An act of top notch detective work.
 
Of course they were on antidepressants...

Moses managed to video these two, so if you're in need of a lift, or something to make you feel better about yourselves, we'll show you the video.

I should stop being so mean. 

 We booked a bus to Surfers Paradise. We rolled up to our hostel, 'Budds in Paradise' - AKA 's*** Hole Galore'. Apart from the hostel back in Christchurch that we spent one night in, this was by far one of the worst ones we had stayed in. The showers were nasty, toilets were nasty, and they had this weird cutlery and plastic bowl rule. Had to keep asking reception for a bowl and spoon for your meals. Felt like Oliver Twist keep going up their. Seems I got off lightly. I stayed in a Female dorm with a couple of nice lasses. Moses stayed in a room with a Milk Criminal (so it seems). Some English chappy, who kept getting himself into bother with the police. Everytime I walked into their room, I could smell sour milk. They ended up checking the lockers in the room, to find an exploded carton of milk. The guy had forgotten to take the milk out with his cereal, and the heat must've incubated this carton of milk like a microwave. So Moses was now left in this smelly, milky, dairy room.

We managed to enlighten out spirits with a 3 day theme park bender. $90, Wet 'n' Wild, Sea World and Movie World. We felt like little kids again. Sea World & Movie World were my favourites! There was one slide back at Wet 'n' Wild which blew me away. This slide that started vertical. You hopped into this canister, they holler "3, 2 1..." then BOOM! They press their magic 'floor removing button' and you're on your way. Dropped down this tube so, bloody fast!

That was impressive, but nothing compared to Sea World.

Moses seems to be attracting a lot of attention from the birds. First there was that one in Cairns zoo, and now the Pelican in Sea World. Took a snap at poor Moses. Of course I found this hilarious.
We watched a Dolphin show, which was amazing! They had these dolphins flipping about like hot sausages. It was crazy! I had no idea how high they would jump! Pretty impressive. I loved the polar bear as well! Never seen a polar bear up close before, until then. Powerful creatures. Powerful creatures with a peculiar walking stance. They turn their feet in, so they look ridiculously 'special' when they lumbar along.
 
After partaking in three days of theme parks, adrenaline rushing rides and wandering around watching nutty stunt shows, animals and people watching... Me and Moses decided to check out Surfers Paradise night life.

I managed to nab a couple of bottles of wine for $13 (CHEAPY!) some deal on the bottom of a receipt, handy! And Moses nabbed himself some cans of bourbon and coke. 

We got happy. Then wandered to this bar, 'Avenue'. Apparently, I turn into a lairy little s*** after I've had a few... 

Our night resulted in me running towards the sea in my maxi dress... And I performed the worst version of Beyonce - Drunk in Love, this world has ever known. I got soaked in seawater. I looked like a soggy cuttlefish, trying to stand up... And then I eventually flopped on the sand. 

I took full advantage of this couple sneaking into the public toilets together... Like naughty school kid, I grabbed this bottle of cold water, opened the lid, and splashed a bucket load of water through the open gap, above the door. Then ran away like a little water gremlin. 

The next day, I felt as if my whole body had been exfoliated. Sand was in every crevice of my bed, and my head felt like it was going to plop off.  

 Quotes Of The Day

The weird American Muriel (about to reach the pinnacle of her fossil explanation climax)

"A giant dinosaur made out of Opals!!!" 

Wet 'N' Wild - Standing in the queue... Me and Moses looking at this little, chubby, bossy girl... 

Me "You know Spiderwick Chronicles?" (She was a spit image of the thing that eats honey)

Me and Moses, watching some Chinese couple fighting... 

Moses "I couldn't be nagged by one of them..."

Me "Someone's fish heads are gunna get poisoned tonight."

Me (after a bottle of vino...) "Shall we go to a venue?" 

Moses "Do you mean 'Avenue'?" 

 
Me - Handing over money to the late night shop keeper (I'm smelling like seawater, and covered in sand) 

"Keep the change you filthy animal"

 Me stumbling back to the hostel, clutching hold of my sea watered, sandy boobs... 

 "My titties are bleeding! They're eroding away!"

On the bus to Byron Bay... Reminiscing on Jumanji...(with hand actions)

"Put the Dice, in your mouth!"