The Jeremy Clarkson Incident

ok, so picture this.

i had had a lovely afternoon in the sun, watched the sunset on the boat down the river, and then had a few beers with the people in my room and got a relatively early night.

next thing i know i am on top gear, test driving a new renault 5 sports car, and impressed everyone with how fast i was driving it around the test track.

Even the stig was impressed.

Who is this bloke who has come out of nowhere?

Then the show ends, and we are all having a few drinks and i am telling hamster hammond about my Porsche, and how i agree with him, and then jeremy clarkson says he likes me so much, he would like to invite me on a skiing holiday with him in Italy that he has already booked.

Next thing i am in bed and chatting to (i cant remember, but at this rate should have been keira knightly) the woman next to me and was telling her about my invite from Jeremy.

Don't worry, i am coming to it......

So i turn off the lights and next thing i see the the door creep slowly open and a demonic black figure appears, a cross between the grim reaper and scream, but it is just a shadow.

Well as you can imagine, i am terrified,

and as you do when you are terrified, you start shouting.....

so in an effort to run away i jumped out of the bed just as it jumped on to it, so obviously now i am really shouting at it.

and next thing i see is, the bloke in the bunk opposite shaking me and shouting at me. Well as he spoke no English i did not know what on earth was going on.

(i was on the top bunk so he was at head height)

Well i was confused to say the least,

and then as my eyes focussed, i saw the eighty year woman stood next to the bunk with her mouth wide open, and then the old bloke next to her, and then the tour guide next to her.........

then i saw the people in the doorway in their pyjamas, shouting to me and the people next to my bed.

It was 5.30 am

oh sugar!!!

then the penny dropped, and i realised the screaming in my sleep must have been out loud, and that as the walls were only paper thin, i had woken up probably half the ship.

how embarrasing, i could have died on the spot.

it must have been bad, as even the 80 yr old woman on the bunk below, that had difficulty even sitting down, had shot out of bed and was stood speeachless with the others.

worst of it all, was i was in so much in shock from
A) from the nightmare, and
B) from being so violently woken up

that i nearly had a blooming heart attack.

i am still having chest pains from it even now.

and even worse, i am not going skiing with jeremy clarkson, nor am i famous on TV.

just my luck.

so anyone who can interpret dreams, please let me know just how messed up i am.

other than that, i am just dandy, and completely paranoid, as tonight i am sharing a dorm with 8 people.

please all say prayers for me


and stop laughing you complete set of b**tards