Ying Huffley Wow, the tshirts I bought from www.tshirtprinting.net are amazing!

Tony Hart I'm dead you know. My funeral is penciled in for Saturday, there are still a few spare seats in the Gallery....

Shirley Temple Where are these f***ers, are they back yet ?

Roland Hiya lollipop!  its Roland (Roly Poly remember?!!) Just thought I'd drop in and shake a leg or two... Gosh, how longs it been since that night at the full moon party ?? (you know the one, dribble draws, don't kid me you've forgotten already!!) What a night eh ? Anyhoo, me and Terry wanted to tell you what a great time we had out there and hope to see you and the boys soon. Have you still got our email address? I hope you havn't lost it you little devil... I'll post you it, just incase. Well...must scoot, nearly finished making the sandwiches for our Eurovision party tomorrow night... Catch you soon soldier, x Roly ([email protected])

Unlucky Jim Mine has to be when I hid a malteser inside a trumpet... Unfortunately, my little sister Sonia didn't know I'd hidden it there and took it to school for band practice. When she puckered up and blew an F#, the malteser shot out and struck the triangle player in the eye. He had to have it removed the following day (the eye not the malteser).

Shirley Whirley I once hid a Cheese and sald cream sandwich under the keyboard lid of a piano...It had one bite out of it... What's the strangest food item that you've ever hidden in a musical instrument ??

Kim Clark Anyone else have a fetish of finding a room with no windows, taping bin liners all over, roof, walls, floor. Covering the bags with vaseline so it's totally slippy all over. Getting a fat lass naked in the room asking her to lie down on her belly, inserting your thumb up her bum and push her about along the floor and up the walls and across the ceiling ?? Just me then.

Jack Jnr On this day in history 1945:- Mickey Dolenz who later became a singer with The Monkees was born at Hedon Road Maternity Hospital in Hull.  Mickey ‘The Miracle’ Dolenz as he was later Christened was born with his lips grafted firmly closed, so it was a miracle that he later became a Rock n Roll singing legend.  Dr Sanjeed Patel of Longhill Estate was the surgeon that performed the operation to cut Mickeys mouth open using only a Junior Hacksaw he had bought from Clough Road B&Q.  The Monkees are remembered for such classics as ‘Ticket to Ride’ and ‘She Sells Sanctuary’.

Gordon Bucket 8th March - On This Day In History :-2001: Donald Campbell's speedboat recovered Divers have raised the wreck of Donald Campbell's boat, Bluebird, from the bottom of the pond in Queens Gardens Hull. The boat had lain there since the accident in 1967 which killed Campbell, 46, as he attempted to break the world water speed record.  The craft was winched to the surface after a three-hour operation to tow it to the lakeside from its resting place, 22 inches below the surface of the pond.  The quest to raise the boat was led by diver Bill Smith.  Mr Smith said he was glad they had reached the boat as there was always the risk that less scrupulous souvenir hunters could get there first, for example local Charvers or illegal immigrants.

Goole Times A man creosoted a baboon in a brutal act of abuse, a new RSPCA report has revealed :- Nathan Matthews is now been questioned by police about abusing several other monkeys that live with him in his home in Goole. In one incident he sand papered an orangutan's chin for talking during an episode of 'Celebrity Big Brother'. And in another sickening act of violence he crow-barred a gibbon into a bread bin for leaving the landing light on. However the worst acts of brutality was committed against Clive, a baby chimp under Matthew’s care. The 8 month old monkey had settled himself down with a Bovril and a comic when Matthew’s stormed in like a man possessed, enraged that Clive had drank his San Miguel, and subjected him to a frenzied torrent of abuse. "He gave me a chinese burn and rammed a mango right in my face", Clive told us. "He then shaved me bare, creosoted me and locked me in a drawer", a tearful Clive added. Matthew’s is now serving a 6 month community service order in Australia, working with orphaned monkeys.

Delia Smith MICRO-SLAVE OVENS Matt, why not pay for your trip round the globe by sending back a few micro-slaves ? Tired of working late and coming home to the same frozen ready-meal muck ? Well, with this multi functional oven you need never worry again. The free-standing unit houses a small chef slave-child - fully trained to a Michelin standard. Simply add the ingredients and the meal will be prepared within minutes. Bon Apetit !! Since you have been gone they are now all the rage in the UK. The thing is, they are harder to get your hands on than the Nintendo Wii. All the stars have one. Madonna brought a black one back from Malawi called David. He isn’t even one yet, but he can knock out one hell of an omelette. Keep your eyes open for orphans or vulnerable children that may trust a white man with a Hull accent. Gain their confidence and then box them up and post them over. For every one that I train and sell on the open market, I will send you £25. Note :- The oriental look is big at the moment. The ultimate status symbol for the kitchen is a young Chinese boy residing in a metallic black freestanding unit c/w Michelin Star. Very desirable & a real talking point !!

Jonathan Woss Now, let's face it… if I was to mention the words "twavel journal" or "forwum" this would undoubtedly conjure up images of hideously banal, meandering, self-wighteous and ultimately empty messages posted by someone who is so far lost up their own wectum, even a well oiled plunger couldn't suck the sucker out. And yet here we have something diffewent. Dare I say - something special. Diwector of this site, Matt Wodmell, has managed to come up with an entirely new form of twavel journal. A forwum which invites the weader to use their imagination, a forwum which doesn't so much tell the weader what to think - just…..to think. And in doing so, Wodmell enlightens the hapless weader to a level yet unheard of in Bwitish twavel blogs and takes them on a delightful journey of endless questions… Such as... "Who's sorry excuse for a travel journal is this?" "What's the point of it all?" and more poignantly… "Who is Matt Rodmell and where the f**k is he?" You see, that’s what I love about this website - there are no gimmicks here, no neat little flash intwos or scenic pictures for the weader to dwool over… just a near blank canvas that enables the weader to pwoject their own imagery onto it. Evewyone should go and see this journal, it's a weal corker and is quite litewally non litewal. Matt Wodmell's "Adventure Playgwound" is now open and should, due to it's populawity, wun for many months. Catch it if you can.

Chris Choi off Watchdog There have been many complaints from our viewers about the quality of this message board. Here at Watchdog we have to agree that it is crap. We tried to track down the 3 travelling stooges but unfortunately, as is the case of this message board, they were unavailable for comment.

Trevor McDonald And Finally........ An office worker from Hull has found the secret of happiness - from a puppy. Jeff Bamber discovered the secret whilst out in the park with his new 2 month old puppy Biffo. "We were out in the park yesterday walking Biffo and for a laugh we decided to make him get up a stick," Bamber, 29, told todays Guardian. The look of pure joy and contentment that engulfed Biffo was so entrancing that within minutes a crowd started to develop to look at the little happy puppy, Bamber explained. "I think the puppy up a stick made us all put things into perspective and re-appraise our lives, said passer-bye Claire Spicer. "There were a few sour faced people that were blasé about Biffo, but if you get blasé about a puppy up a stick then you may as well give up on life altogether." After a few delightful hours, Jeff had to prise Biffo off the stick, whereupon the puppy seemed to visibly age within seconds and then tragically died in Jeffs arms. "I think Biffo realized that his life would never get better then been up a stick and he simply lost the will to live," puppy psychologist Professor Bob Faberge told us. Jeff, meanwhile, is taking a deep look at his life in the wake of Biffos short but lovely existence. "I have a well paid job, a nice house, a beautiful wife and kids and a Playstation 2 but I cant say I'm truly happy," Jeff confessed. "Yet I put Biffo up a stick and it cracked it for him. Im not saying I want to get up a stick though, that would just be silly." "Biffo was simply happy for no other reason than he just was. Puppy psychologist Faberge added. Theres a lesson there for us all but I havent got a clue what it is," he mused with a wistful look on his face. Good Night & Do Sleep Well.

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