We got up at 5.30am and had breakfast at 6am then got ready for our trip to Halong Bay.


We were picked up just after 8am for the 3 and half hour drive to the harbour where we would board our boat for the cruise and one night stay on Halong and Bai Tu Long Bay.


The guy who picked us up came into the foyer of the hotel and asked around for us. He came over to us and shoved a mobile phone under our noses and asked if we were the people named on the text message he was showing. We were so he then grabbed one of our bags and set off out of the hotel towards a car on the other side of the street. He didn't stop to see if we were coming so we had to wait a while to get across the street. Put our other bags in the back of the car and realised some other guy was in the front passenger seat straight after he had finished his morning cigarette. We had no idea who he was but we were finally on our way.

As it turns out, our driver gained his licence by being Hanoi’s number one at Grand Theft Auto. Speed limits, other cars, pedestrians…didn’t matter to him. Overtake on a blind turn, why the hell not! As is customary for anything in Asia we were dropped off for a toilet break at a conveniently located tourist megastore full of overpriced statues, paintings and clothes. We made use of the toilets and did our best Pacman impression by weaving our way through the aisles trying to avoid the sales people who’d swoop on you the moment you stopped moving.

We went straight out the exit after pausing briefly at the chocolate department only to be asked if we were interested in buying chocolate. $2.50 for a small Snickers, I don’t think so!


We exited the shop and saw the mystery smoking man who quickly ducked off to get the driver. A few minutes later he emerged and seemed annoyed we didn’t loiter around long enough, we figured he got a free feed for bringing us there. Anyway, we were back on the race track and speeding on to Halong Bay.


Roads got worse the closer you got to the bay. We then stopped over in a town along the way outside a shop with marble statues and our first thought was we were going to be marched into another shop. As it turns out smoking man lived near there and we had shouted him a free trip back from Hanoi. You’re welcome, Sir! The road dramatically improved once we hit the section of road used by tourists to access the marina. Smooth, wide roads with hardly a car on them. Our driver’s eyes lit up as we gripped the seat tight, final lap!

We got out of the car just feeling lucky to have survived and were then taken to the office of the boat company. We then had to get into a minivan to be driven 100 metres or so down the marina to where our boat was moored. The boat’s name was Hannah and it looked alright. We had a crew of 4 onboard but there were about a dozen people from chefs and office staff at the marina to wave us off. We had a welcome drink and were introduced to the crew. Our host (who also was our cook), the captain, engineer and some other guy I am assuming was the second in charge. No one bar the host could speak English. Then we were on our way.


Spectacular scenery and our host was pointing out various formations. Our cabin was nice with a lounge area, queen bed and bathroom with a dining area upstairs and a sundeck at the front. Our first stop was a pearl farm with, you guessed it, a shop full of really expensive jewellery. We had a quick tour of the farm and were shown how they put balls of shell in the oysters then harvest the pearl after 18 months. Our host tried to open an oyster but couldn’t so one of the farm staff opened it and there was no pearl in there. Apparently they get a 50% yield. So, they opened another oyster and there was a pearl in it. 50%!

We then were marched through the shop resisting the urge to buy anything and then were back on the boat for lunch. We had a special menu as one of us doesn’t eat fish, seafood or mushroom to name a few. We thought it was a selection between two options for each course. We were wrong. We had 6 courses so 12 plates in total for lunch! So, by 3.30pm we were about to explode from over-eating. At this stage the hosts asks if we wanted to go kayaking on the bay when we moored for the night. We were not overly keen as having eaten about 4 meals worth we’d surely cramp up and drown if we fell out of the kayak. After being assured it was just for an hour and just around a small island one of us agreed to go. Little did we know that during the drive to Halong we actually travelled to another planet where an hour is actually two and a half Earth hours and a small island is something about the size of Tasmania.

So, we set off on the kayaks. I was ambling along taking in the scenery while our host had decided our little paddle was an impromptu Olympic kayaking trial and he sped off into the distance. As we reached the corner of the island I was expecting a nice, round island to go with the nice leisurely paddle. I became concerned when the island appeared to be a long, skinny and endless. At every inlet I headed for a right-hand turn to head home only to be told we had to keep going. Fish were leaping out of the water and the sun was setting but on we went. My arse was so sore I swear I heard it crying but I may have just been crying myself.


On we went and still no end in sight. Darkness descended on us as we ploughed on, fatigue setting in and back and arms now joining my arse in a teary chorus. Thinking the end was in sight I got a second wind and asked, how long to go? The host replied "about 20 minutes". This was one and a half hours into our one hour pleasure paddle.


We finally turned into the home stretch and our budding Olympian set off at full speed. I was left in the dark, not knowing where I was going and losing sight of where the host was. It was at this point I had a gutful and screamed out to the host to stop padding and explaining quite strongly that I did not know where I was going and that it’d be a splendid idea if, as the host, he actually stopped trying to set a personal best and guided me back to the boat. It dawned on him then that I had had enough (truth is I had had enough about an hour before that but kept going on the hope that the end was near) and apologised. He then called out for the boat to come and get us.

While all this was going on S had remained on board the boat and had been taken to a floating village to kill the time. Truth is that the crew wanted to go there to buy some squid for their dinner. They then came back to our mooring point. As time went on S became concerned that the one our kayaking adventure was now creeping into its third hour. Darkness had fallen and now the crew were getting worried. They decided to go look for us and then called the boat company to report that we were missing. They went around asking local fishing boats if they’d seen us and S was beside herself with worry. She was yelling out to see if I was nearby and some dropkick on another tour boat decided to reply. S wasn’t in the mood for such shenanigans and told them in colourful language not suited for this G-rated blog that she was seriously worried about her husband that the person should cease making such comments.

Now back to the kayak marathon, I am paddling up a small inlet and the host finally comes across and tells me that the boat is coming to pick us up. He had been shouting something in Vietnamese and the boats nearby went nuts and then I heard S screaming out. So, I was sitting in the dark and had no idea of what had happened or what was happening. The boat finally arrived and they managed to peel me out of the kayak. S let the host know she was far from impressed with what had happened and we then went down to our room to discuss what had happened. We then had dinner, S didn’t eat and I only ate a little before we went to our room for the night.

We watched Top Gear Vietnam on DVD for about the 10th time and then went to bed. Slight problem was that the boat was not sitting flat in the water, the bottom of the bed was higher than the top. Ordinarily not such a big deal but as I had a bit of congestion from the cold I picked up in Hoi An it was a bit of a problem and made breathing difficult. So, I slept with my feet at the top and head at the bottom which was much better.