Wednesday 5th December

6:23am

We've just begun the journey from civilisation to outback, careering along the famous Stuart Highway that cuts through the heart of Australia in one vertical line from North to South. It's a five hour drive from Alice Springs to Uluru and I'm preparing myself for a long ride in a hardy jeep filled with other keen tourists (including some very large Americans who seem oblivious to their own body odour issues). I wisely chose the window seat where I am steadily being blasted by an over-boastful il sole.

Having arrived yesterday I'm still getting my head around the geography. The signs on the highway are baffling: '1500km to Adelaide' in one direction, '1500km to Darwin' in the other; as if they are just around the corner. My favourite sign advertises a rest-stop up ahead: 'Please arrive alive.' I guess even out here you can't escape the Australian sense of humour.

Driving from the airport to Alice Springs I got my first taste of 'Red Desert'; sand, terracotta, charcoal rock formations jutting out above your head, as rough and intimidating as a notorious baddie in an old Wild West flick. So far my impression of Alice has been heavily influenced by the huge number of indigenous inhabitants, many of whom have been kicked out of their own communities for offences such as drinking and bad behaviour. As a result, Alice Springs is heavily populated by sad (often drunk) looking Aboriginal people, getting arrested, begging, etc. More than once I felt sexually intimidated in the streets and it's a good thing I haven't been out after dark; something tells me my 'balls-to-common-sense' attitude would get me in trouble here. As a stubborn liberal I am trying to keep an open-mind.

7:43am

We've just pulled over to spy (gawp at with cameras poised) a giant 'wedge-tailed eagle'; the biggest bird of prey in Australia that can put a kilo of meat away in one sitting. Like most Australian terminology, the clue is (most conveniently!) there in the name. You guessed it! Its tail is the shape of a wedge. David Attenborough eat your heart out. We were interrupting this eagle's tea, which happened to be a tragic looking kangaroo; one of countless roadside carcasses here in Oz. They must be suicidal or just plain stupid as the traffic on this highway is so sporadic that every passing car warrants an enthusiastic wave hello between bored driver and bored driver. Whatever helps break up the mundanity of bush, tree, bush...

Actually, I'm surprised the countryside is so green here. My illusion of re-enacting 'Priscilla Queen of the Desert' on the top of the jeep seems unlikely. Apparently they have had quite a bit of rain here (damn global warming ruining EVERYTHING!) which has given the scraggly bushes a bit of life.

Thursday 6th December

6:50am

Sleeping under the stars last night I will never forget. After the heat of the daytime the cool air was so fresh it was like having a particularly good face scrub. Dead quiet as if the whole world was on pause, no light except from the hundreds of stars (and my iPod of course). Complete and utter freedom. Ironic, considering I was zipped-up in what was essentially a canvas body-bag (in camping terms a 'swag') lying out in the open desert - a welcome meal for any neighbouring dingos, snakes, etc. that might fancy a bit of a Betty brekkie. Nevertheless I wasn't scared staring up at the Big Dipper, suspended upside-down on this side of the equator. Surrounded by a vast array of familiar constellations looking out for you like friendly neighbours it's hard to feel very far from home.

Up to catch the sunrise from the spectacular Kata Tjuta, we dragged ourselves out of swag at 3.30am and, half-dazed, prepared to de-camp. It was a painter's canvas of a sunrise over Uluru and completely worth the early start.

3:25pm

Oh god. Balls to the solar system, you can have your bloody stars.

I don't think I've ever been this hot. Back in the prime roasting spot by the west-facing window I'm under the direct gaze of that masochistic b****** sun with nowhere to go. BBQ'd Betty (a very Australian way to go I suppose). I am now accustomed to the stench of the sweaty Americans and they are actually the most hilarious people on this bus, a refreshing (perhaps the wrong adjective?!) alternative to the other quiet passengers. I am delusionally dreaming of ice cold Diet Coke, but even so, I'm refusing to shell out the required $4 for a can at one of the few rest stops en route. If the 19th Century explorers can manage it with warm tap water so can I. I'm guessing this is how prison inmates feel; you can remember freedom, recall its taste through the dull haze of the present but in reality you're trapped. We're trapped. The only difference being that prison inmates don't tend to willingly request and pay for their own captivity (like us fools!)

When our tour guide pulls over at the side of the road and tells us it's time to collect firewood (with the annoying voice she puts on to make crap stuff sound fun) I want to slap her. There's a brief sluggish silence in the group and an unspoken decision is made to choose subservience over rebellion. Besides, if we kill her there's not much chance we'll make it back to civilisation without getting lost/eaten by dingos/killing each other with heat-rage so we may as well just get on with it.

Friday 7th December

2:16pm

Very awesome day spent exploring King's Canyon (in my opinion way more impressive than its over-hyped A-lister neighbour, Uluru). We set off on the 6km trek around the canyon in very good spirits considering it was 7am, me singing 'Eye of the Tiger' as we climbed the steep 'Heart Attack Hill' (again, the clue is in the name). The reward was 300-metre high views of the surrounding canyon, dating back hundreds of millions of years.

I couldn't get my head around the fossils that decorate the walking trail; wave indentations left by inland sea tides that have long since dried up. There were even slithery shapes left by some ancient squid-like creature that failed to make the evolutionary cut. We were lucky to spot a giant perentie lizard cruising along the top of the canyon with big fat mammal-like arms (rivalling Schwarzenegger) and far too long a body for my liking. Somewhere between an iguana and a croc (shudder). Best of all was the shaded watering hole that greeted us halfway round, known as 'The Garden of Eden', in which we swam (thankfully including the smelly Yanks) and washed off the days fatigue in cool water, the tall canyon walls keeping the sun out of the picture for once. Well done Mother Nature. It was just like a Herbal Essences advert until we got out and realised we all stunk of pond (I'm starting to realise why Adam and Eve got kicked out of Eden; if you smelt like we did you'd start hanging out with reptiles too).

Now we are all jiggling about in the back of the jeep as it struggles along the dirt track back to Alice Springs. Battling against flies that seem to love the mucky water stench I am very much looking forward to a shower and a real bed tonight. Best leave the camping to those with a smiling disregard for personal hygiene, eh?

Though I am considering the purchase of a 'Geology Rocks!' t-shirt. Uh-oh.