Woo-hoo, I'm still in Airlie Beach. Joy. Welcome to all my fellow Spank Me passengers (don't worry, you can unsubscribe from this waffle any time you like). At least, all the passengers whose e-mail addresses I could read after the sheet of paper got covered with beer. "Drumbeat" was built in WA and was originally owned by notorious Australian businessman Alan Bond. She won the Sydney to Hobart race in 1990, and he celebrated this win with a glass in one hand, a bottle of champagne in the other, and a pair of handcuffs on both wrists - he was subsequently jailed for tax evasion. Under the names "Drumbeat" and "Congere", this carbon fibre/Kevlar yacht raced extensively in the ICAYA (International Class A Yacht Association) circuit. She is one of the biggest maxis ever built, at 25.07 metres (82 feet). For reasons that can only be connected with a drunken bet, in 2001 she was renamed "Spank Me Big Time". This was shortened to "Spank Me" in 2004. Now she sails around the Whitsundays, entertaining groups of landlubbers in their quest to find new ways of being seasick. Some of this I knew before I got on, some of it I know off by heart since there was a board opposite my bunk with all the information on it, and my brain's wake-up routine when the engines started at 5am was to dumbly read the same words over and over again, trying not to move my lips. Anyway, the meeting point was the Abel Point Kiosk at the marina in Airlie Beach, 2:15pm, Friday. Luckily there's a bottle shop (i.e. off-license) next to it, enabling passengers to stock up on three days' worth of booze. Armed with a crate of VB, a packet of Nobby's Beer Nuts, a big bar of chocolate, a bottle of Bundaberg Rum (decanted into plastic bottles), some Coca-cola and 4 litres of Whitsunday Sparkle drinking water (which is one of the stupidest names for drinking water, since it's not fizzy) I walked towards my home for the next three days. 25 metres, 82 feet, however you put it: that's MASSIVE. Right up until the point you see it. Then it is instantly demoted to "is that it?" Still, our 26 passengers and 4 crew boarded, all the while shoving our drink into the coolers on deck (basically giant pits full of cold water). The cans went on the port side, the plastic bottles and goon (i.e. bags of wine) on the starboard side. Then we had a chance to start emptying the coolers again while we cruised out to sea. The first afternoon and evening, we had an introduction to sailing and diving, followed by dinner (spaghetti bolognese, prepared in a kitchen slightly smaller than a wardrobe) and more drink. The next morning we went to Whitehaven Island, and were deployed to the beach in groups of 8-ish. It quickly became obvious that sitting at the front of the dinghy meant getting marginally wetter than everyone else, but since the dinghy seemed determined to sink anyway there wasn't much in it. After seeing a white-headed monkey in the distance, we walked up to the viewpoint (from whence the above photograph was taken) then walked down to Whitehaven Beach. The sand is made of silica, and it's extremely fine. Various descriptions people had of it were: like snow, flour, moondust, and meringue - when you stand on a slightly wetter part of the beach, the sand seems to have a crisp shell with white powder underneath. Just walking on the beach is the best treat you can ever give your feet. The sand stays cool even in the baking sun, and it is very soft underfoot. We were advised that it's also good for exfoliating skin, and polishing jewellery and watches. Later we had an introductory dive. After getting kitted out in wetsuits and having tanks strapped to our backs, we were led off a beach into the sea. It was difficult at first to pay attention to anything else, worrying more about the mask, the regulator, equalising the pressure in your sinuses, the bubbles obscuring your vision every time you breathe out... Still, great to be able to do it, and doing a proper dive the next day (for an additional $50) was a must. The next day we sailed out to the Great Barrier Reef, passing a variety of wildlife (several humpback whales, a green turtle) where it was possible to snorkel (although having swum out to the reef, you had to use all your energy to try and stay in one place). The currents were too strong for another dive, so we sailed back to Blue Pearl Bay on Hayman Island. Sailing involved getting volunteers to man the grinders, which raise the sail. After that, it was a case of sitting somewhere secure - once underway, the boat would have a high side and a low side, and moving around wasn't recommended. Sitting on the high side with legs dangling over was where most people ended up, although some sat in the middle and some went downstairs. Then it was just a case of looking out to sea, trying to spot whales, and getting soaked by waves. The next dive took place at Blue Pearl Bay, and it involved stepping off Spank Me in the full scuba gear. Our dive instructor, Alex, then led us around some reefs. There was a massive fish which I was able to stroke as it passed, and an astonishing variety of marine life. This dive took 35 minutes, as opposed to the 20-minute introductory dive. Then it was time for more snorkelling before swimming back to the boat to make another dent in the beer supplies. The next day was more sailing, beaches, swimming, sunbathing, blah blah blah. [I'm speeding up here, I need my lunch now.] Then we returned to shore to recover for a few hours before meeting up for a meal in the evening. For some reason, this also involved drinking. There's probably a lot more I should say about the whole Whitsundays experience, but I really need food now so I'll stop here and think about what else there is to say for the next update.