Welcome to Paradise... Koh Phi Phi

As soon as we stepped off the boat in Koh Phi Phi, we both said "I think this is going to be my favourite" and for the most part, it was. Phi Phi was absolute paradise with its white sandy beaches and clear blue sea. The people (boys) were even more beautiful there too. While in Phi Phi we visited Maya Bay where The Beach was filmed (unfortunately no Leo this time, just half the population of China) but it was the most stunning and unspoilt beach we'd visited. On the way we also stopped off at Monkey Beach where funnily enough, there were loads of Monkeys. Plus we did some snorkelling and watched the sun set at sea...perfect...even if our boat driver (dodgy Dave) was rather odd and didn't speak a word the entire trip!

Always pack altitude tablets just in case you unexpectedly have to climb a mountain to bed...

We never planned to plan a mountain during our trip, we didn't train for it and we certainly didn't pack for it so imagine our surprise when we arrived in Phi Phi and found our room was located at the top of a mountain.

As we got off the boat in Phi Phi, we were greeted by our strangest pick up to date - a wheelbarrow - unfortunately, this was only for the luggae and we had to walk, even asking in our nicest voices couldn't persuade them to let us hop in! There aren't any motorised vehicles allowed in the beach area in Phi Phi so everyone uses wheelbarrows to transport everything or they ride a bike to get around and as a result, there are bikes literally everywhere which highly annoyed Lodge. They're constantly ringing their bell to tell you to get out of the way (or making bell noises if they don't have a bell!) which isn't always easy when they are coming at you from all directions, shops, restaurants and bars are spilling out onto the narrow streets, people are walking and various Thai men are trying to push half a ton of ice/rubbish/luggage around in their wheelbarrows. Lodge was after a book on Thai law to see what punishment she'd get for pushing someone off their bike.

We reached our accommodation, the Ma-Ney resort which looked beautiful set into the mountain side although it somewhat lost it's appeal after we discovered our room was right at the top. 165 very dodgy, uneven steps, many without handrails led to our bungalow. Now when I say bungalow, I use the term loosely. Whereas in Koh Tao our accommodation was like a garage, this was more like a shed - the door was even closed by a padlock! Every time we made the ascent to our room, we arrived extremely out of breath and sweating profusely but there was only a measley fan to cool us down. Actually, that's not entirely true, there was an air conditioning unit on the wall but despite our best efforts to break into it, it didn't work.

As well as the heat and the climb, there were the bugs (we'll come to them later), naked lezzer neighbours and a very strange bathroom. As the shed was built directly on to the side of the mountain, the bathroom had two massive rocks jutting out in to it. One right next to the toilet and the other right where you'd logically stand to shower which posed a dilema. Do we stand on the rock to shower (which kind of felt like you were in a Herbal Essence advert), or do we stand beside it meaning we were practically showering in the middle of the room. Either way, it was a bit weird... like the whole bloody place.

The bed wasn't the most comfy either, this may have slightly been our fault as in our drunken wisdom on the first night we decided to both sleep sideways across two single beds pushed together (although not totally together as there was a bottle of water in between). There was an ounce of intelligence in our thinking as it was the only way we could both fit in the mosquito net which we needed up in the jungle tree tops. However noit so intelligent, was leaving the door open all night. Now normally we are both highly security conscious but we figured, if anyone takes the time and effort to climb all those steps to rob us, they deserve to get something for their troubles!

The plunger incident: Poo poo in Phi Phi...

We taught reception a lesson for putting us so high up. As well as the heat, bugs and mountain climbing, our room also had a toilet which didn't flush. Lodge decided she had to go though so I offered to go and tell reception down the mammoth descent but just as I was leaving, she decided she REALLY had to go and so went, despite knowing there were flushing issues...I left her doing her business to go and tell reception thinking they'd come and fix it later when we'd gone out, but no, after some shouting by the reception lady, a plunger weilding man appeared and said he'd follow me up. Having left LOdge in the bathroom with the door and front door open, I thought I'd best get up there quick to warn her and spare her any embarrassment so there I was, trying my best to run up the hundreds of steps while a Thai man with a plunger followed me, gaining on me all the time! Thankfully when I reached our shed, Lodge was decent because a combination of laughter and being our of breath from the climb meant I could bearly speak. The poor guy fixed the issue...that will teach them for making us sleep in the clouds!

If there's a bug in your room at 2am, shout "HELP" off the balcony...

Apart from the lizard in Krabi which brutally attacked me (fell off the wall onto my back while I was moisturising) we'd been quite lucky in avoiding bugs - not in Phi Phi though. Our shed attracted all sorts. As we left to go out for dinner on the second night, in flew an intruder. NOw I'm not entirely sure what it was, sort of like a big flying cross between a cockroach and a grasshopper so naturally, we named it Philip. Philip the Protector. Philip, for no reason whatsoever and The Protector because despite our best efforts to shoo him before we went out, he wasn't having any of it so we left him in charge of the place whilst we were out, hence the protector. We hoped we'd be a little braver after a few drinks and thought we'd be able to get rid of the little sod before bed but after a day long hangover, we weren't really up for drinking and so went to bed not quite as brave as we'd hoped. Philip was still squatting in our shed when we got home and despite Lodge's best efforts to catch him in a towel (which I have some hilarious video evidence of) we couldn't get him. As if Philip's intrusion wasn't enough, this was the point a cockroach appeared from under my bag (he quickly died) and we discovered Trevor...the Toad...in the shower. Our hate for Ma-Ney resort was growing by the second. Thankfully, our help shouts from the balcony were heard by a German guy who removed Philip for us and disposed of him permanently, phew. Trevor however (I'm a poet and I didn't know it) was still lurking. We let him stay the night in the bathroom but he too was removed the next day by the nice man from reception who was probably very glad to be dealing with a toad this time instead of a turd!!

Lodge + Alcohol = Competition...

In Phi Phi there was a chill out vide in the day but lively nightlife which suited us perfectly. On the boat, we'd met up with a couple of guys Joe and Frans who we'd met on other islands. We went out for dinner with them a couple of nights, went for drinks in the bars, watched a Thai boxing fight and went to the party on the beach. We also met up with some English guys, one of whom Lodge had fallen in love at first sight with, mainly because he was doing a very corny dance to one of her many favourite songs. But anyway, we went with them to Slinkys - a party on the beach although not before allowing them to paint us with neon face paint, and on the way drunk competitive Lodge popped up with her latest challenge. Following the swimming race in Phangan, she wanted to have a suntan challenge with the guys but of course she couldn't do much with that in the dark so it evolved into an arm wrestle which she lost. Agian. Thankfully, her competitve side didn't appear the night we went Thai boxing and they were asking for volunteers to have a go...

If the boat is already full to capacity, stop in the middle of the sea and let more people on...

This is the Thai way of loading a boat. Our journey to Phuket was not entirely enjoyable because it was hot, crowded, long and mainly because foreign people seem to have an inability to sit still. The boat was packed but we found a little spot to sit, Lodge on a little bench with a Chinese couple (I'm not being racist when I constantly refer to the Chinese but they literally are everywhere) and me on the floor. As if wasn't crowded enough already, we stopped in the middle of the sea, waited for 40 minutes, people became irate - I was oblivious we'd even stopped - and then another boat turned up and another few hundred people crammed on to ours. At least we were on our way now and after three very bad nights sleep in the shed, we were hoping to get some sleep but foreign people seem to have ants in their pants and were constantly wandering around. Either complaining about not getting there quick enough or trying to find more room plus out of everyone that walked past, about 90% of them either stepped on my toe or clubbed me around the head. Why they couldn't understand that a) there as no more speace and them walking around aimlessly was just causing more problems b) shouting "I want to see the Captain" while wandering around the ship is not going to get anyone anywhere quicker and c) You cannot get off in the middle of the sea, you don't need to go outside and check if we're there yet every ten minutes, there is only one stop, we get there when we get there so sit down, shut up and stop kicking me!!

Lodge on the other hand was having a lovely sleep practically laying on the shoulder of the Chinese man next to her who was also fast aslepp with him outh wide open. It was very cute and provided me a little light relief from the stampeed but then Lodge (and Mr China) were rudely awakened when the troops decided land was in sight and it was time to form a queue to exit the boat, right through where we were sitting. Apparently, people also think that if they don't get in the queue 20 minutes before we actually get there, they'll have to remain on the boat forever - Morons.

One in Phuket, we made the most of having an air-conditioned, bug-free room (even if it was top floor again) and had an afternoon nap. We also had our washing done again - who knew washed clothes could be so exciting! Our flight to Kuala Lumpar meant an early start and that was that for our time in Thailand. We were both sad to leave after such an amazing time. 26 days, one luxury apartment, five hotels, a garage, a mountain top shed, three night trains, six boats, countless tuk-tuks, an elephant, a failed attempt at scuba diving, too manyu buckets, too little sleep, lots of Pad Thai, meeting old friends, making new friends, too many butt guns, too little toilet paper, cockroaches, toads, Philips, corn on the cob and ice cream sellers...our unforgettable time in Thailand was over. Malaysia here we come!!

Our Top Ten Lessons learned in Thailand...

1 - Eat from the street. Even if they do do their washing up in buckets at the side of the road the food is amazing.

2 - When crossing the road in Bangkok, find a Thai friend and go when they do.

3 - If there are three dogs doing it in the corner of a 'temple' it is probably not a temple and Mr Tuk-tuk is trying to con you.

4 - If you have a 14 hour night train journey ahead, don't stay out until 8am and definitely don't eat from the on board restaurant aptly named "Bogey Cuisine"

5 - Unless you want to go slightly mental, stay away from Red Bull.

6 - Do buy lots of corn on the cob on the beach but beware of ice creams.

7 - Don't sign up to Scuba Diving courses without thinking it through first.

8 - Always carry your own toilet roll unless you are trained to operate a butt gun.

9 - Don't use phrases like "I'll bear that in mind" or words like "Equivalent specification" when talking to people who only speak basic English. They won't understand you.

10 - Don't turn up to religious temples in hot pants unless you wish to be dressed up in hideous rented sarongs and oversized shirts.