Right people, first things first...

It turns out after intense debate that the bald chap from The Really Wild Show was called Terry Nutkins, and if you remember, he wasn't completely bald, he had really long hair around his bald patch to make it seem like he was still young and happening. And let's face it, he was. A lot better than the combover option. There will be a prize for the first person to e-mail me with the surname of Chris, the other RWS presenter who had an annoying lisp.

Anyway, now that's sorted out... HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

2003..... kind of seems like the kind of year you'd get in Science Fiction programs or similar. Who would have thought it?

I assume you are all alive, and havn't e-mailed me with details of how you spent the happy occassion because you don't like me - which is fine, and not because you didn't enjoy yourselves, which would be bad.

For me, it was a whole experience of firsts.... First time I've had new year abroard, first time I've ingested large quantities of something that - apparantly - is a drink made of mushrooms!! Didn't really make sense to me, as you can get a whole tub of button mushrooms down at Sainsbury's for less than a quid, and these things cost a fortune.... but it did give reality a rather unrealistic edge which is always nice... and it was the first time THIS CENTUARY that I havn't spent new year either working, fighting, or, in one hilarious moment 2 years ago, doing both!!

And when I say fighting I do, of course, mean being hit.

This new year we were partying with all and sundry down on the beach at Kho Pha Ngan. Highlights included drinking heavily, laughing at the social inadequacies of others, and watching fireworks. The fireworks were particulary amusing, because there was an offical display, and then there were people who just bought fireworks and then got drunk/pilled up to f***. One chap, as the new year cheer went up, looked around for someone to hug (we all shuffled away whilst looking at our feet). So he got a huge rocket, held the end of the stick and lit it. fortunatly he pointed it in the air before it went off, so it was only he who was showered in the face with sparks.... how we laughed.

Another, rather unfortunate incident involved "The Biggest Rocket Ever", and a rather amusing social subgroup I call "The English". They got their rocket, stuck it into the sand and lit it. Just when they were discussing the minimum safe distance, it went off, swerved a bit in the air, turned round, and landed on the ground by their feet. There was a couple of seconds of hesitation, a quick "perhaps we should have retired further", and then it blew up, in a big group of thirty people. And just as they scattered, dived for cover and screamed, the crackling bright stuff shot across the floor, chasing them into the sea. Very pretty.

Morally there may be something to be said for laughing at the sight of lots of people running into the sea, going "It burns, it burns!!" and then, a moment later to an accompanying hiss, "Ahhhh".

But morality's like that.

Red Bull in Thailand, just to change the subject, is a bit different to in England. It's got all the stuff in it that's banned in England, and comes in small glass bottles that look like medicine. It's dirt cheap, and makes your heart vibrate. This is not as bad as it sounds, because the crap tecno music most places here play also makes your heart vibrate, so the effects cancel each other out making your heart the only non-vibrating thing on the beach.

Anyway, I really can't fill up more space with absoloutely nothing. I'm off to Cambodia in a week and a bit to fire AK47s. It doesn't cost much. You can also fire rocket launchers, and if you've got loads of money, you can fire rocket launchers at cows.

Mmmmmmmm...... rocket launchers at cows...

So have a good new year, keep me posted, spread love and happiness like they were some symptom unspecific sexually transmitted disease.

And just one more thing.

What you call hell.... John Rambo calls Home!!!

Remember that.

Mike.