The Fat Woman And The Midgets

I liked Rome. I liked it a lot. This was even more remarkable, because it was in the face of considerable adversity. For one thing, the camp site we were staying at was an hour's bus ride from the city, and the bus only ran twice a day.

For another thing, Rome traffic has a truly unique way of behaving. The pedestrian crossings had three lights on them, red amber and green. It took a while but I was finally able to work out what they all meant:

GREEN MAN: Proceed with extreme caution. Just because some lanes of traffic have stopped, it doesn't mean the rest will. It also doesn't mean people turning into the road will stop. Or even consider it. In fact, they'll probably try and run you down. And also take note of people on scooters - normal rules don't apply to them. At a green man, they are well within their rights to weave through the crossing pedestrians at high speed or, if the mood takes them, mount the pavement for swifter crossing.

AMBER MAN: Oh dear, oh dear. Thought you'd chance it didn't you? Now look what's happened. Amber man means pretty much that if you're already in the middle of the road you'd better start running. Because they're coming.

RED MAN: You are going to die. You... are... going... to.... die.

So the fact that I liked Rome surprise even me. One of the things about it that the 'stuff' to look at is just liberally scattered about the place. It certainly isn't a one-trick pony, or whatever that expression is supposed to be. There are statues on bridges, in streets, buildings themselves are worth stopping to check out, the main roads take you past huge squares with big things in them (my description here may be lacking). It's all good.

We went to the Colleseum on the first day, and opted to pay a little more for a guided tour. The tour was really the only way to go - otherwise we'd have just walked around the ruins for a while going "Mmmmm", and then left. As it was, we learned loads about life in Ancient Rome.

Example: During the afternoon at the Colleseum, the people were getting tired of watching Christians getting eaten by lions (How?? How could anyone tire of watching that??) and gladiators fighting, so they arranged some comic relief. This involved a fat woman being thrown into the arena. Then six midgets would be released, all armed with clubs with spikes in them.

The fat woman would run, but she would eventually tire. At which point she would be beaten to death by the midgets.

Now perhaps it's me, but this struck me as being pure comedy genius. The balance was just right. If it was a man, it wouldn't be funny. If they weren't midgets, it wouldn't be funny. If they had swords instead of clubs, it wouldn't be funny. All those things would be just barbaric, and I would want nothing to do with them. But somehow, the combination just works. For me, anyway.

Vatican city came next. It is truly a remarkable place. Makes you understand the whole 'fear of God live a life of oppression' kind of deal. The main square place is just fantastic, and you can't argue with St Peter's Basilica. We didn't get into the Sistine Chapel because it closed in the afternoon, but we planned to come back the next day.

The most remarkable thing I saw at Vatican City however, was outside. I was keeping myself entertained playing 'Nun-Spotting', while we walked around the wall trying to find the way in. It was then I saw an elderly woman, homeless, crouched by the wall begging for money. Her hand was badly mangled, and she was holding this up both as an advertisement of her plight and a request for hand-outs. She was wailing - a kind of despondent moan that sounded more like 'what the hell's going on here' than 'give me some money you b******s'.

And the Nuns, and the priests, and all the different religious types walked back and forth, going about their business, not even sparing her a glance.

It was reassuring to know that even at the birth place of Roman-Catholicism, the home of the Pope, the past and the future of Western Religion, all religious people are c*** .

The Sistine Chapel, or the Cappella Sistine, as we locals call it, was truly remarkable. Michaelangelo's Last Judgement is one of the most impressive things I've ever seen. The only problem with it was that there were tourists there. Lots of them. It was noisy, when it should have been quiet. And it was hot, when it should clearly have been cold.

I plan to return to Rome one day, and go to the Vatican Museum first thing in the morning, queuing up an hour before it opens. Then, I'm going to run the gauntlet through the rooms before the Chapel, and make sure I'm the first one there. Then I'm going to walk into the middle of the room and lie down on my back. The stone floor will still be cold from the night before, and it won't smell of Americans. This is something I recommend for everyone.

Just don't go the same day as me.