AK-47.... when you absoloutly positively have to shoot every motherf***er in the room? Accept no subsitute.....

Or so Sammy L Jackson said in Jackie Brown anyway.

As it turned out, I was able to live out one of my lifelong ambitions by getting my hands on an AK and a full magazine of ammuniton. And although it was extremely cool, I'm not sure I could be relied u[pon to take out an entire room of goons with it... you start off firing a couple of single shot rounds, just to get the feel for the bad boy. Then when you think you're the daddy you switch to fuly automatic and try and hold the trigger down, as the gun jumps around in your arm and smoke fills your eyes and the flash blinds you and the empty shells hit you in the arm causing third degree burns.

Despite the Cambodian's asurance that I was 'just like your very own Dirty Harry or Han Solo', I managed to hit my target ten times out of thirty. I contented myself with the fact that the motherf***er in question would be dead at least.

It turns out, dear friends and well-wishers, that the 'blow up a cow'thing is an urban myth. I still think it's possible though - there were some rather scared looking cows stood by the shooting range. I just think you have to offer slightly more than ten dollars and a smile. Incidently, at the place I went to, you can throw a hand grenade for twenty dollars, or a shoulder mounted missile launcher for 200. They had a f***ing great menu - all laminated and listing all types of weapons of destruction...... I was drooling. When i got my hands on the AK the dude asked if I wanted to fire it at a paper target of a moustachioed terrorist, or whether I would prefer a moving target.

I naturally asked him what a moving target meant. Maybe it was one of those paper targets on a rail that move closer and closer as you fire, or maybe it was some kind of combat zone where cardboard cut outs appeared left right and centre, and you got double score for shooting the woman clutching the baby and stuff.

No.

It turned out that by moving target, the man meant a chicken.

I declined.

So that was that. I can now die a slightly happier man, with only four or five things left on my 'things to do before I die'list.

Onto other news.

I'm taking Malaria pills, as is advisable for those that are travelling through malaria infested areas. And I noticed the other day they say on them 'stay out of direct sunlight'. I mean really. It's been 30 degrees every day, and there hasn't been a cloud in the sky since christmas.... and that was only one. It seems to me that the pills need a little work.

And I've been ill. Very annoying... had this awful feeling like indigestion last night before dinner, and as I had just ordered a massive great curry, I didn't like my chances of surviving the evening. as it turned out, an entire bottle of Cambodian Whiskey (costs less than $1) later, I was right as rain.

The great thing about travelling in South East Asia, is that you never have any bowel problems. In fact, I don't think I've ever been this regular....

Fifteen minutes after every f***ing meal.

Keep spreading the love. Start saving for a Welcome Home Mike Party. Riot. Smile at strangers. Have uncomplicated casual sex. Drink to excess. Climb mountains, both metaphorically and literally. But please, think of the chickens.

Mike





Right,

Firstly, I am alive.

For those of you that keep up to date on current world events, this will not seem a bizzarre statement to make. For everyone else, or rather, everyone, allow me to explain.

We're in Phnom Pehn, which last night descencded into amusing chaos over an alledged remark a Thai Actresss made about the Camboidan Ankhor Wat, and how it had been stolen from Thailand. Now, as the Ankhor Temples are the only thing Cambodia is proud of, they took this remark rather personally.

So... as far as I can figure it (God Bless the BBC World Service) the Cambodians started attacking Thai owned shops and hotels here in Pnhom Pehn. They set fire to a few Thai Hotels, killed one guy, and smashed windows and stuff. All very reactionary.

Then four Thai military planes flew in, and all the Thai nationals are being evacuated. Thailand have gone to great lengths to say that they are not at war, but in the same way we are not at war with Iraq they have mobilised troops, withdrawn ambassadors and launched a few battleships.

It's not a bad state of affairs though. It's all business as normal - no nucleur fallout sirens in the streets. And, fortunatly, we should be able to use our wonderfully white skin to NOT provoke anger and aggression, which will make a nice change.

Personally, we slept through the whole thing, and are now safe in the knowledge that the hotel we are staying in is next to a lake, so if it was burned to the ground we would have a close source of nice (if not a little toxic) water.

I'm not sure what day it is today, probably Thursday, and we leave on Saturday. Can't leave any sooner as our Vietnamese visa doesn't let us in the country til then.

But it's all cool. Just thought I'd let you know I wasn't dead. If that circumstance changes for any reason, I'll try and let you know.

Mike



Right,

So here's me breaking my laziness boundaries and checking my e-mail twice in one day, and how many messages do I have from friends and loved ones hoping that I'm still alive and not on fire??

Well, there were five messages in my inbox, so I though that boded as average. Unfortunatly, one was an appallingly unfunny e-mail joke (sarah), and one was claiming I was making the whole thing up (Eddie).

The other three were more useful, as they were from Tina, Karen and Lucy, three women I have yet to have the pleasure of meeting, all offering me the exact same amount of 'free hardcore sex pics... teens... barely legal filth'.

Which is nice.

So anyway, as night falls on Phnom Pehn I thought I'd let those of you that don't have the pleasure of living in a riot zone know a thing or two of the day's events. And for those of you that believe I'm making it up, I advise browsing world news on CNN.com. And when you see the pictures of the burning cars... that's where I am!!

1PM: Woke up, because ML's sister was ringing to check to se if she was alive or dead. Rather too much information to take in first thing in the morning, and besides, the curent batch of pills I'm on (Immodium didn't help, in fact it helped so little that I am now on the OPPOSITE of Immodium, if you take my meaning) let me with rather more to worry about. Turned out that riots had been raging through the night and if they hear about it in Sweden where practically nothing happens, surely it makes news in England? Or is that logic flawed? Anyway.

2:30PM: After a quick breakfast went to the Internet place to check the news and inform loved ones that was stil alive, in case any of them cared. It turned out later that they didn't. Such is life. According to CNN, 2 were dead, 1000 were rioting, the Thai embassy had been burned to the ground, 3 Thai owned hotels had been burned to the ground, and most of the shops with signs in Thai had been smashed up and looted. Thailand were mobilising troops for war ("just in case") and Cambodia was apologiing a lot.

5PM: After wondering around the streets and inspecting the desruction (right round the corner from where we live one of the hotels was still burning, petrol stations and shops were smashed up), I got chatting to a passing business man who asked me what it had all been about. I told him. (I'm not going to tell YOU again, you have to find out for yourselves). He laughed jovially and said it was a great thing, and he hoped Thailand did come and start a war so he could kill Thais.

5:30PM: The atmosphere around the city was a little heavy, even though we were quite a long way from the Thai Embassy where it had all started. Obviously in this case of civil unrest and general fighting, we decided that it would be a good idea to go back to our room and hide. What we did do however was jump in a taxi and ask him to take us to the Thai Embassy.

6PM: Didn't get to see the embassy, because the road was blocked with barbed wire and tanks. Military types seems to by quite angry, but still managed to take a few pictures. Never seen tanks in cities before, all very educational. In the background there was a huge cloud of black smoke coming from whatever was left of the embassy.

6:30PM: Went back home, and just before we got there we had a rather amusing moment when the entire street erupted into chaos because there was a huge cloud of black smoke pouring across the road. People started going this way and that, but our driver just ploughed onwards. It turned out that someone was buning a big pile of leaves near the road. How we laughed.

6:40PM: Driver confessed to us that he had been in the riot last night, but claimed he didn't really know what it was about. Also denied my sugestion that he single handedly burnt down every building.

7:00PM: Went to room and hid.

9:00PM: Left room to send tis e-mail and buy bottle of Cambodian Whiskey, hoping it will make the hiding a lot more interesting.

So there.

I'm off to hide some more.

Mike