Dear Santa: Hi. How are you? I am fine. It's only four days until Christmas so I thought I should remind you that we will not be home when you come this year. Please do not come down our chimney and leave any presents as it might alarm our tenants. Also, they are under no obligation to store any of our effects while we are away. Right now we are on the other side of the world in Hoi An, Vietnam. It is a lovely place close to Danang - you remember, where the first US commandos came ashore to secure a beach head and were greeted on the sand by pretty girls in bikinis!! Make sure Mrs. Claus doesn't find out that you'll be stopping here this year. You might spend New Years Eve in the dog house.

Actually, we are only in Hoi An until December 22 when we take a long bus ride to Mui Ne. We get there on the 23rd (Tibb's Eve) and stay until the day after Boxing Day. It will be very warm there but the beach has lots of sand dunes so you may want to put the tundra tires on the sled and apply some sunscreen to Rudolph's nose.

I am writing to ask that you not bring us lots of presents this year. We are traveling light and can't carry much more than we already have. In fact, the three women I am traveling with have just discovered that Hoi An is a famous place to get custom clothes made very inexpensively. They may need your help to sit on their suitcases to get them closed as things stand now! We are taking a page from the Kokelj holiday play book and getting each other "experiences" this year rater than gifts. I would like to "experience" the Giants making the playoffs, but I realize that is about as likely as Rob Ford having a green Christmas, if you get my meaning. So, here is a list of experiences you might be able provide me in lieu of gifts on Christmas Eve on your way over Vietnam:

- Silence: Specifically, I'd like it if you could arrange to have the horns on all Vietnamese cars, buses and motorbikes rendered inoperable until Old Christmas Day. I just don't get it. I don't think it's meant to be rude, but these guys are bonkers for the buzzer. Sometimes they even lay on it when there is NOONE around. Must be because they all learned to drive under French colonial rule or something. While you're at it, maybe you could explain what, exactly, is the proper function of a traffic light, crosswalk or traffic lane divider in this country. I am at a complete loss as to why these have been installed anywhere.

- I have not seen the stars since arriving in this country. I understand that it is the shoulder of the rainy season, but two weeks without a look at the night sky is severe, even for a kid who grew up in the middle of the North Atlantic Ocean. Perhaps this is something you could delegate to Comet. Or is he still sidelined with that torn ACL?

- Could you please explain Buddhism to me? I've read lots and asked questions to locals, but I just don't get it. My only experience with burning incense was in college when I had a roommate from Lake Saint Jean with less than conventional personal hygiene. And why does he look so different everywhere I go? One place he looks like a thin girl, then he's fat and jolly (no offense), then he's sleepy with big ears. And why is the car that a monk drove to Saigon immediately prior to lighting himself on fire in a public square displayed as a holy relic in Hue? Do you know how many questions I had to answer from my children about that one Santa? Alot! And they're still not satisfied. I mean honestly? I'm open minded to all religious beliefs, but this one seems to have some serious mission creep.

I don't want to be greedy so will just briefly mention a few more small items in the experience genre of Christmas gift:

- Could you make the CBC Radio website just a little less useless so I can listen to "The Shepherd" on Christmas Eve at 6:00 pm Mountain Standard. That's 7:00 am here but I'm sure I'll be awake (especially if you can't pull off my first request.)

- Could you convince Vince Gilligan to make just one more season of Breaking Bad? I just watched the final season last night (Yes, all of it. In one night.) There's still some life in this series Santa. SPOILER ALERT ----- There's no proof that Walt really died at the end. And maybe Jesse and Flynn could start their own meth lab together. That kid's messed up now anyway right? After what his father did to Uncle Hank? Santa? You with me? If he refuses, threaten to put him on the naughty list. You know, the REAL naughty list. The one that lands you in a bath tub of flesh and bone disintegrating acid!

- Finally, could you leave a big lump of coal for the sadistic b****** that designed the Indian Tourist Visa application? Wait, they still burn coal in India right? How about replacing all the Bollywood movie channels on his TV with 24/7 Dukes of Haszard and Hee Haw reruns? Payback's a b**** ain't it Santa?

- As for brick and mortar presents, if you insist on leaving something in my stocking, you should be warned that we're on the end of a laundry cycle this week. I paid $25 for socks that only need to be washed every 10 days, but I wouldn't risk it if I were you. Maybe you can ask "Stinky" to take that task on for you. Wait, is he an elf or one of the dwarfs? Anyway, here are a few small items that I might have room for:

- A flask of Old Sam.

- A little plastic crib board.

- A real steak (I know it's goat they're feeding me here Santa!)

- A dozen Yukon Gold chicken wings from the BK.

- The "Hits I Missed and a Few I Didn't" CD by George Jones.

- I know it's back tracking a bit but could you stop into the Golden Guesthouse in Bangkok and grab my wallet? I don't care about the cash and credit cards, I just don't want to have to go to Motor Vehicles to get a new driver's license when I get back. I'd rather try to get my Indian Visa amended to allow me to bring a transgendered, Costa Rican sloth with distant relatives in Pakistan into the country for multiple entries over a period of more than six months!

Thanks Santa. I hope you and the reindeer have good weather on Christmas Eve. Give the DMZ a wide berth on your way down to Mui Ne. I know it's been 40 years but I'm pretty sure there are still some dudes up there who ain't heard the news. Budah only knows what they might mistake you for! I'll leave some squid rolls, carp gizzards and pho on the hotel balcony for you and Rudolph. Tell Rudolph that even though it's pronounced "poo" it's really a very delicious vietnamese soup. He might get a kick out of that. I know that even after two weeks, Shannon stills convulses into fits of uncontrollable laughter when I order it for breakfast. I often have nightmares, Santa, that after all the planning, travel and savings that have gone into this trip, the two lasting memories for our children will be (1) just making a fourth turn on the Simpson's ride at Universal Studios before closing time and (2) telling their friends, teachers and strangers in airports that their Daddy ate poo in Vietnam.

Goodnight Santa. I hope this reaches you in the North Pole before Christmas Eve.

Timmy

xoxoxo