(A bit of a departure from the normal blogs...)

Hairdressers have long been known for their love of puns, evident in the various names of their salons, from HairPort, British Hairways, and A Cut Above, to Scissor's Palace, The Best Little Hair House, and the undeniably clever Crops and Bobbers.

The other thing hairdressers are famous for is inane chatter. Who hasn't been sat in the chair only to have the stylist start off with, "So, where are you going for the holidays?" (or, "So, where did you go for your holidays?").

They're not really interested in your answers. When I was having my final haircut in New Zealand, the hairdresser asked, "So, got anything planned for the weekend?"
"Yes," I said. "I'm moving to France."
"Oh, that's nice. I'm going to the Gold Coast for a couple of weeks, doing all the theme parks..."

That was the end of the conversation. It wasn't in her repertoire to cope with a customer who was going any further than Australia, let alone moving to France, so in a panic she did the only thing she could and quickly put herself in the picture instead. To no effect, since doimg the Gold Coast theme parks sounded to me like the worst possible sort of holiday. For once it was a blissfully quiet haircut, the only sound the whirr of the clippers and the snip of the scissors.

But it was fascinating to find in Aigues-Mortes yesterday a hair salon with a name that unashamedly addresses its core business; it was simply called Interview Coiffure. Therfore, I present to you - in the style of the former great Punch columnist Miles Kington - a "Let's Parler Franglais!" lesson:

Lesson 48: At the Hairdressers

Madame Stylist: "Bonjour Monsieur. Bienvenue a Interview Hairdressers. Take a chaise."
Me: Merci Madame.
Mme Stylist: "Quel est votre nom?"
Me: "Mon nom? Er... c'est Michael... porquoi?
Mme Stylist (shrugs): "Rien. Now, how vous voulez vos cheveux?"
Me: "Plus longer!" (laughs)
Mme Stylist (rolls ses eyes): "Oh, nous avons un joker. Un Alec de smart. Fantastique - not. Seriouslement... short derriere et sides? Un cut de crew? Le mohawk? Quoi?"
Me (chagrined): "Peut etre un trim... s'il vous plait..."
Mme Stylist: "Bon."
(La stylist utilises le clipper electronique pour a few moments. Elle stops, et holds le clippe sous sa bouche)
Mme Stylist: "So, aujourd'hui nous avons dans le studio Monsieur Michael. Bonjour Michael!" (Elle thrusts le clipper sous ma bouche)
Me: "Er, bonjour Madame..."
Mme Stylist: "Nous will start avec le premiere question: Ou allez-vous pour votre holidays?"
Me: "Ah, during le Noel c'est possible je reste ici en France."
Mme Stylist: "En France? Avec tous le trouble avec les Gypsies, les 'Romas'?
Me: "Trouble? Avec Gypsies? C'est news to me."
Mme Stylist: "Mais oui! All the jours c'est la meme thing... Quoi to do about les Romas! Et votre opinon?"
Me: "Eh bien, je n'ai pas un opinon de Gypsies, er, les Romas."
Mme Stylist (ruffled): "Pas d'opinon? Mais si vous etes Minister de Immigration, quel est votre policy?"
Me: "Mais je ne suis pas le minister de immigration. Je suis un customer..."
Mme: "Just repondez la question Minister. Le policy de Gypsies... C'est quoi?"
Me: "Er, well, if je were le minister de immigration en Angleterre, ou les Gypsies - nous preferons le term 'Travellers' - make beaucoup de mess aux encampments, je suggest... bring back hanging."
Mme Stylist: "Hanging? Porquoi pas la guillotine?"
Me: "Ou la guillotine, oui. Ils sont un blot sur le landscape!"
Mme Stylist: "Vous et votre party sont tres right-wing Minister. Vous etes afraid for your vie peut etre?"
Me: "Mais non! Je suis as safe as maisons."
Mme: "Not quite Minister. Regardez dans le mirror... mon brother and his mates sont arrive. Ils sont 'Gypsies'. C'est serieux."
Me: "Ah, desole Madame! Nos policies have changed. Je plan to double le benefit pour les Romas, provide free maisons, et health care. Et aussi les haircuts."
Mme (speaking into le clipper encore): "Et c'est all we have time for ce soir, a Interview Coiffure. Merci pour joining us, et Merci Minister."
Me: "De rien Madame."

(For the much funnier original material, search Miles Kington, Let's Parler Franglais on Google or Amazon)