Bugging Buggy Hyperways ( new mothers may wish to avert your eyes)
Maybe in younger years gone by I was a more tolerant chappy. Perhaps at near 30 my biological clock has made me radiate some form hormone that broadcasts to aim this way he needs one too so be drawn in throng to get under foot and block every footpath, pedestrian crossing, roadway and formerly quiet enjoyable ambient coffee shops.
Cries now fill the once quaint a peaceful caffeine drenched air, once beautifully laid out tables and chairs now discarded asunder frilly sun hats, sun block, nappy bags and high chairs.
I present to you the mother and baby pushchair phenomenon.
They are everywhere. But be aware no two are the same. Two key species come to mind. The 4 and 3 wheel variety both equally treacherous in their own way. Both crafted to take out the unsuspecting singleton!
3 wheelers this seasons choice are the masters of off road. They can cut you off in parks, have far greater turning circles than their 4 wheeled cousins. The black cabs of the parenting world they take pleasure in running over outstretched fingers and side walling protruding Achilles.
4 wheelers bring their own unique dangers. These crawling quads are perfect for the pack hunt and are often discovered in twos or threes. They can glide the streets in stealth with low profile wheels. Side by side they crawl at a mind numbing tedious pace blocking entire cross walks and pavements. If you are unfortunate enough to be stuck labouring behind one their Is no escape as their drivers creep on oblivious in idle chat about pepper pig. Quads also double as trollies adding new dangers and can fall on you at any moment with their dangerous mounds of shopping when left in what are considered 'safe parking bays' (also known as shop fronts!) be afraid be very afraid!
New models also have inspired boards attached to the back. These allow for greater capacity and ferocity. This fearsome attachment allows 'clingons' to tag along creating additional noise pollution but also like a stealth bomber the ability to jump off and chase you with only a seconds notice slobbering and trying to engage you in conversation.
St Albans has been over run. People of the world stay indoors or make for high ground. Your sanity is at stake!