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Mandy and Neil Go Global
Hi all
Well, the bus dropped us off in Nha Trang at about 6.30 am, and the girls from our hotel picked us up and took us well, back to the hotel obviously.
As soon as we'd unpacked, the girls decided they were off to the beach. I on the other hand wanred a nap and with a cry of 'Lightweight' they were off out the door.
When I finally caught up with them at about 11.30, Kimbers had already headed back to the hotel and Mand and Lau were on their way too. All of them sunburnt. Lobster pink springs to mind. Hmmmm, lightweight indeed.
Not to be deterred, Mand accompanied me back to the loungers they'd just vacated and we sat and tanned for a while...well, I did. Mand just burned a little more.
We bought a couple of beers and Mand chose a huge prawn from some woman who then cooked it on her portable bbq. This is surely the life I've been looking for. The only annoyance is the hawkers who bug you pretty much non stop to buy a bunch of s*** you wouldn't possibly need. But even this was tolerable and Mand did eventually buy something...another bracelet I think in case the six thousand she already has somehow go missing. We found out later that if you rent the loungers from a place called the Sailing Club, the hawkers aren't allowed to bother you, and we went there whenever we hit the beach after that.
That evening, it transpired that Andy was already in Nha Trang and Kimbers had gone off to meet him for some catch up time, so us other three headed out to have a few beers and some food. We got absolutely twatted. We eventually found our way back to the Sailing Club which is open all night, bought a bottle of vodka, mashed up the dancefloor (well the girls did) while I sat and made friends with the locals.
One of them handed me a note which said 'hunting for love' on it (From Paris To Berlin was playing at the time) but for once I'd mananged to meet a bloke who wasn't trying to get in my pants. He proved this when immediately after introducing himself his next line was 'I like older women in bed. They are like parents.' Sensing a serious Oedipus complex, I looked at him in horror thinking that I'd managed to hook up with a sexual deviant of a kind I'd never encountered before, and then he explained 'they teach you everything'. Relief washed over me. It was just the language barrier after all. Then he looked over to a group off girls that were hanging around him and his mates and told me that they were between 15 and 17 years old. And then asked me which one I would like. Laughing (a bit nervously it has to be said) I pointed at Mand and said 'That one'. This pleased your man intensely and he said 'Thats good. They are too young.' Bless him I thought. Then he continued 'I f***ed that one the other night and she was s***. She doesn't know what she's doing' and for clarification added 'I like women between 28 and 32 years old. They are really good'. So much for bless him.
Anyway, the conversation flowed a bit better after this and we talked the usual about football and Vietnam and it turned out he was actually from Cambodia so we chatted about that fo ra while too. Eventually we both got a bit too drunk to even get into the same postcode as coherency and so I just thunder talked him until we both fell intoa companionable silence, broken only by some trashed English girl coming over and getting the piss royally ripped out of her by everyone. Just like being at home really.
By this time, Mand and Laura had joined the teenage girls in attempting to pole dance against a stone pillar (not a pretty sight, but a funny one) and after a bit more dancing, we decided to call it a night. It was about half four when we finally decided enough was enough and staggered outside to walk home.
The girls jokingly decided they didn't want to walk with me and set off in a hurry and stopped to talk with a couple of moto drivers. Another one pulled up next to me, so on I jumped and with a cry of 'Laters losers' I sped past them and back to the hotel, expecting them to be only a couple of minutes behind me at the most.
Back at the hotel, I waited for maybe five minutes and there was still no sign of them. Drunken panic set in and I started to walk back the way we'd just come thinking that I'd meet them on the way. One of the guys they'd been talking to pulled up and asked me if I wanted a lift back to my friends because they were walking. Now I was really worried. Although street crime isn't hugely common in Nha trang, we had been warned both in LP and by some people in a bar called 'Why Not?' that it does happen. Especially on the roads around the Sailing Club and the ones around our hotel. Uh oh.
We came across them after a couple of minutes and Mr Moto dropped me off and I was greeted by the two of them looking scared half to death and as thankful to see me as I was to see them. It turns out that one of the moto guys had whopped his c*** out and started rubbing it in front of them, causing them to run into a hotel and hide til he'd gone away. This is why my moto bloke had come to find me. Lesson learned 100% on my part. I was fuming, and as we only had to walk a few minutes back to the hotel we set off with me leading the way. The wrong way. Drunk, lost and angry is no way to be at 4.30 in the morning. But it got worse.
After about half an hour of fruitlessly walking the streets (although to be fair we were having fun), I suddenly recognised our road. The girls were a few paces ahead, and while I was yelling to them that I'd found it, I got mugged. Well, very nearly.
Two blokes sped past on a moped and the one on the back tried to grab the bag off my shoulder. I was wearing it across my chest, and grabbed it just in time to stop them disappearing with it, and it ended up hanging around my neck. If I'd grabbed it a bit harder and a bit quicker, I'd have had the f***in t*** right off the back. As it was I just went absolutely 100% off my head ballistic. Hopping up and down with rage laughing sarcastically at the top of my lungs and screaming at him to come back and have anther f***in go and I'd rip his c*** ng head off the little p**** I honestly thought I was going to explode on the spot. I mean, what the f***! If you want to steal my money at least face me for it. Then if you take it, fair play. I might even respect you a little bit. Or if I leave it in a club unattended and you nick it, I can at least accept that as being my own stupid fault. But to ride past and try and grab it is f***in cowardly. End of. Little f***in twat. I really wish I'd grabbed it a little harder and taken him straight off the back. But hey, I didn't and with me screaming my head off at him and every muscle in my body tensed to breaking point, they just f***ed off into the distance, with the bloke on the back laughing at me albeit forcedly. Grrrrrrr.
Anyway, we'd found the right road and promptly set off down it the wrong way and were pointed back in the right direction by a friendly moto driver, who escorted us to the door. Nice. A little late, but nice.
Next day, with the girls sunburnt the beach was out, and Kimbers off with Andy for the day we just bimbled around for the afternoon and then headed out to get drunk once again. Not much to tell about the evening really, except we got drunk and I won game of 'Killer' in Why Not? The prize was a bottle of rum. Beautiful. We promptly polished it off and at about 1 ish decided to head home. On the way out we were warned about marauding lady boys mugging any lone western men that were unlucky enough to cross their path. After the previous evening, we weren't taking any chances and I promptly emptied my pockets into the bag that Mand was carrying. And then it happened. I got mugged. Again.
Well, very nearly.
We turned a corner and out of nowhere I was surrounded by lady boys. Seriously. About 6 or 7 of them crowding around me and touching me in places that under different circumstances I might've found enjoyable. Well, no might've about it. Some of them were quit fit.
With me laughing and pushing them away from in front, and Mand angrily laughing and pushing them away from behind me, and with Laura shouting in a kind of sing song voice 'f*** off BOYS we know what you're up to' we eventually broke clear, although Mand had to demand her flip flop back from one of them, prompting even more laughter on out parts. I guess you had to be there, but it really was hilarious. Mugged. By lady boys. Fantastico. And there wasn't any violence, they were more like pick pockets. Much more my kind of mugging.
Still laughing, the three of us jumped onto one moto and headed back to the hotel.
This left me wondering. Is it ok to punch lady boys? I mean they look like women, but they're actually blokes. I was confused. The conundrum was eventually answered a couple of days later by a couple of fellas who'd been in Nha Trang for ages. It perfectly acceptable. There have seen full on stand up fights between groups of aggrieved western men and their would be female(?) assailants. These particular boys sometimes go out with nothing in their pockets and get mugged and kick off just for the buzz. Lady boy baiting. I wonder if Sky would buy the rights for that? We could even have special Pro-Celebrity Lady Boy Baiting. With Michael Barrymore. Hmmm probably more Channel 5's style to be fair.
So, in our first 2 days in Nha Trang we'd got sunburnt, seriously drunk, pole danced and been subjected to two attempted muggings and a flashing. Not a bad start really. I got the feeling I was really going to like this town.
Laters all
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