Hi everybody So Mand gets back from the Internet saying that we can't fail to find it cos its only round the corner. So we obviously spent the next three quarters of an hour struggling through the heat looking for it. Eventually we found it and booked in, Mand went to bed for an hour and I sat outside with a beer awaiting the return of Kimbers and Laura. They arrived back after a while and polite introductions were made, followed by me apologising profusely for the whole whiskey bucket thing in Vang Vieng. Cool. Mand comes down and you could cut the atmosphere with a blunt spoon, and after a while of general pleasantries Kimbers and Lau went for a cup of tea while we finished our beers. Frosty like the Tiger. After me and Lau had made ourselves scarce, Kimbers and Mand sat and made up (thank heavens - something to do with the way they rant when they're drunk doesn't quite gel - suggestions on a postcard as to what the f*** that means) a quick shower and off for a getting to know you drink. We went to play pool in a bar called Bor Pa Nyang (which means Never Mind - I'm telling you peeps, I'm fluent...or is that effluent?) before retiring to the fourth floor for a beer proper. As we walked in there was a Septic who I'd spoken to whilst tubing who was sat there with 4 others and he greeted us like we were old friends...or 'buddies' as those crazy folk from the other side of the pond would say (fluent...I'm f***in fluent). These other 4 guys were huge. Ridiculously huge. And one had a moustache. Gay or army...maybe both. Hey, it's a modern world. Anyhoo, we prised ourselves away from freakboy and went to play pool and get seriously twatted. Which we accomplished with great applomb, and forgoing tjhe chance of a club, we went home, had a couple of doobies and hit the hay. Incidentally, the weed in Laos is garbage. Might as well smoke a cigarette. But hey, we're on holiday so why not. The next day saw us, rather predictably, getting up late. We bimbled about, saw a bit of the town, did bank stuff and ate. Along the way, we'd also discovered that it takes 3 days to get visas for Vietnam and that the service is closed on weekends, so we decided to order them Monday and get the hell out of Dodge when they arrived on Thursday. This, we figured would give us plenty of time to see the sites, and take things at a nice leisurely pace. In a way. The evening saw us, also rather predictably, back in Bor Pa Nyang. After a few half hearted beers, we realised that this was never going to work, and ordered a bottle of Smirnoff vodka and half a dozen mixers (cost about 7 quid) and set about getting seriously lashed. Then up comes this guy with a tash (the gay/army one from the previous night) and introduces himself and his 'buddies'. Turns out they're not gay (well not openly) and are actually in the US Army. Their mission (should they choose to accept it) is to try and work out where US planes might have gone down over Laos, and investigate potential cerash sites and try and identify any bodies/body parts the find. Cool s*** in my book. And despite the moustache and the fact they were miltary and the fact they were yanks (3 things which I can't stand individually, much less in one whole mess) they turned out to be really really spot on. The guy with the tash's name escapes me for the minute, but the other were Lt Col Wade Owens (who the others kept calling 'Sir' all night), Cecil (pronounced Ceecil) and a bloke called Johnny Ringo. Well that's what they called him anyway. And I loved it. Tombstone anyone? The best western in years if you haven't (hang your heads and go out and rent it right now) and this led to many a quote being drunkenly bandied about for the rest of the night. Why its Johnny Ringo, the dealiest pistolero in the west. Why Johnny Ringo, you look like somebody just walked over your grave. I'm your huckleberry. You ain't no daisy. The list is endless, but back to the story. It appears my hipochrisy knows no bounds. Sorry, couldn't resist one more. So after the barmen finally shovelled us out the door, we got into these guys private tuk tuk and headed for the Saldee nightclub. Which was closed. There's an ASEAN (Association of South East Asian Nations) meeting going on concerning energy and the possibility of using the power of the Mekong to generate electricity (fluent and up to date on current affiars...God I'm good) so the police tend to crack down on late night bars and stuff, in case it looks bad. But we pushed on and found a nightclub that was still open. But we were the only ones in there. A quick JD and a couple of games of pool and we got an invite back to their house, which they claimed had a pool table and a fully stocked bar. And these boys were not lying. House? Try mansion. 8 bedrooms, full size pool table, fully stocked bar, fully stocked fridge, gym, swimming pool, and best of all....operations room. Like you see in films. I think Mand has broken some kind of Official Secrets Act by posting them on the photos board. This place was amazing. It was huge. All done out in marble. After staying in a flea ridden bed in VV for a week, this place looked even more palatial. After a few more beers and a couple of games of pool, it was kit off time and into the swimming pool. Fantastico. Except about now I started to detect a trend in that I seemed to be talking to myself most of the time as these boys only seemed interested in talking to the girls. I found myself having to compete for attention. Me? Being ignored for a bunch of musclebound soldiers with a house like you'd see on MTV's Cribs? Yep, fair one, I can see that. So I amused myself by listening to them talk. Straight out of every US miltary film you've ever seen. 'We're breaking regulations having you civilians in here' 'We have to be up at 0600'. This eventually led to the girls shouting 'Yes sir sir thankyou sir' which made me cringe and laugh at the same time. Eventually, around 4.30 the party came to a bit of a close and after giving them a quick hand to clean up (very quick) we went home for some serious shut eye, promising we'd meet them the following night to carry on where we'd left off. We didn't. We were so hung over the following day, we did very little except sit around feeling sorry for ourselves. This meant we didn't get to see the Septics and they were off on a mission for a couple of days after that. But we had their phone number so we decided we'd give 'em a call when they got back. But the next day we made serious amends. We were up early(ish) and after sorting a few bits and bobs out, jumped in a tuk tuk for a guided tour of Vientiane. And it was grand. 2 big temples (both gorgeous, the second one more so), the Laos 'champs elysse' and a walk to the top of the 'arc de triomphe' (a legacy of French occupation), and another brand spanking new temple. Being brand new meant we could actually see what the frescos and stuff actually were and it was much easier to imagine the others in all their former glory. Feeling all fired up after our culture and sightseeing marathon, me and Kimbers headed off for a beer by the riverside while mand and Lau went for a snoozle. One beer turned into several and before we knew it we'd eaten and headed back to the hotel fully expecting to be in a bit of trouble as the hour we'd said we'd be gone had turned into three. Imagine our surprise (and delight) then, when we got back to find Mand and Lau sitting outside a bar, already pretty sozzled themselves. Beautiful. Back to Bor Pa Nyang for many many wonderful beers before heading out to the club (Saladee) which had been shut a couple of days before. But anyway, it was a bizarre blend of western dance and cheese, and Thai/Laos pop music. Thai/Laos pop music doesn't have a lot going for it to be honest, especially when half the tunes sound like British ones, and the other half all sound the same. So at any point the dj starts to mix in what sounds like a classic British cheesy tune and you're already half way through wailing it before you realise it's some Thai tune and everyone is looking at you like you'er taking the piss, or he puts on a banging tune just to get you going and follows it up with the Thai equivalent of Kylie and Jason's 'Especially For You'...without the personality. But it was fun anyway even though some really scary looking Laos woman kept trying to dance with us and really getting on Mand's nerves. I mean fairly aggressively dancing with us. The sort of thing that'd get her a slap in most Pompey clubs. We eventually dung her off and somehow ended up speaking to an incredibly sweet Laos girl named Lin. She was much more our style and we got speaking to a man friend of hers called Chon as well. Lau and Kimbers jumped on the back of their motorbikes (drink driving with no crash helmets girls...tut tut) me and Mand in a tuk tuk, and we all headed back to ours for tea and crumpets. Well, beer and spliffs any road. We had a right crack (involving some seriouis Salsa dancing from Chon and each of the girls in turn) and eventually the Thai Patrick swayze headed off and about an hour after that Lin decided she'd better go too as she had work in about 3 hours. As she staggered to the door and blindly groped for the door handle, we decided that it'd be safer all round of she stayed in Kimbers and Lau's room and slept it off. During the evening she'd invited us to her mum's sauna the following night, and that she'd cook for us all in their house. I don't know if this is because we'd shown her hospitality and it was a custom or what, but we weren't about to turn it down. The next day saw more general bimbling around, and after buying the biggest sickest chocolate cake we could find as dessert and a small notebook which we all wrote messages in for her as a thank you present we found ourselves waiting outside the hotel for her to pick us up. She was predictably late, but whean she finally arrived she flagged us down a tuk tuk and we were off to the sauna. Now I was thinking it was going to be some kind of spa, fluffy towels glass sauna etc etc, but it turned out to be what appeared to be a derelict couple of buildings on the edge of town. We were introduced to her mum and sisters and served herbal tea to aid the sweating process and after some general chit chat and the arrival of Chon, we were treated to some traditional Laos food, eaten in the traditional way. This essentially means two plates of roast chicken, a couple of big pots of sticky rice, some papaya salad (made without spice just for us), a plate of 'Morning Glory' (which still makes me snigger when I see it on the menu) and some stir fried vegetables. The traditional way of eating it is to all sit round and dig in with your hands. Interesting. But when in Rome and all that. And to be fair, its rare for this to happen, so we felt really priveleged and dug in with great gusto. This was followed by the chocolate cake which was as sickly as it promised, and after some after dinner chit chat it was time for the sauna. It actually closes to westereners at 5 o'clock, so it was just us and the locals. We even got our own mixed room while everybody else is segregated into boys and girls. The sauna itself is really just a wooden shack with a steam pipe coming in at the bottom and is stifling in its heat. it looked minging to be honest, but proved to be fantastic. When you come out there are bowls of milk and some kind of fruit which you're supposed to rub in to encourage a smooth complexion, so the girls went right in. It smelt like rancid milk with rotting fruit but hey, I don't need a smooth complexion so it didn't bother me (although the smell seemed to linger for days). After 3 goes of the sauna and the rancid milk s***, we threw cold water all over ourselves and were ready for the offski. Chon, lin and 2 of their friends got on their motorbikes and it became blatantly obvious the 4 of us were supposed to be riding pillion. mand's face was just perfect. Pure white (and not from the milk) she braved it out and we were off back to the hotel for showers. Then back on the bikes and back to, yep you've guessed it, Bor Pa Nyang. By this time, the Irish boys had arrived and had somehow lost Conor. I say somehow, he'd sat in the bar until about 8 am that morning and no-one had seen him since. He'd also eaten the scorpion, I'll say that again, the scorpion from a bottle of Lao Lao, so understandably they were all looking a little fraught as to his whereabouts. With things still not right between Kimbers and Charlie we didn't mix too much, just played some pool and had a few quiet beers. Eventually, to everyone's great relief, Conor turned up. Still smashed. He'd left his passport somewhere as a guaruntee when he'd run out of money in some random bar, but was otherwise happily drunk. f***in legend. We saw the video of him eating the scorpion the next night on someone's phone and it was as grim as it sounds. It was huge. The length of it was the width of a teaplate. I'll say it again. f***in legend. Sick, but a f***in legend :o) When he started wandering around shouting 'I'm a God to these people' no-one could really argue. Honourable mention goes to Mick and Will who attempted to eat the accompanying snake from the bottle but after seeing how bony it was decided against it. Fair one boys. Anyway, Kimbers, Lau and the Laos boys all shot off home (their own homes you dirty minded so and sos) and we joined up with the Irish to continue the march of the drunks. Eventually ejected (again) we (about 15 in all) went back to Saladee, had a little dance, Lin had a big cry about us leaving, Will pulled some grim looking bar girl (and made me seriously uncomfortable by offering me out...turns out he was just joking to try and get rid of the bar girl, thank God...It didn't work, she turned into his own personal stalker for the rest of the night), Charlie pulled a French girl called Julie by telling her the artists he most loved were the Impressionists!?!, and then the place closed. Not to be put off at this late juncture, we headed off to the bowling alley cos they seve beer 24/7. The downside obviously was that I had to bowl. Still, I managed to beat Mand and Lin with a magnificent score of 92 (just how drunk was I?) and after a few more beers we realised it was pushing 6 o'clock and probably time for bed. It was. Come the morning (so to speak) and Lin was off to work and the rest of us once again bimbled about all day, doing very little before going for an early night. The next evening was a night all of its own. It was the boy's last night before they flew to the Southern islands of Thailand and potentially out of our lives forever (sniff) so we knew it was going to be messy. And it was. Lin joined us once more and 2 of the 4 Septics were back from their mission (Wade and Cecil), the other 2 having headed back to Hawaii before being posted to Germany. Then of course there were the 4 Irish lads and (eventually, and much to Charlie's relief after the bragging he'd been subjecting the others to) the French girl Julie. On a side note has anyone ever tried putting 'French military victories' into Google and hitting 'I'm feeling lucky'? Try it! And then click on what it offers you as a substitute. Cracks me up every time. If any of you Irish fellas are reading this and can pass this on to Julie, I'd be forever grateful. Arrogant English indeed :o) So there we were, a strange mix of English, Irish, Yankee and French (there's got to be a joke in there somewhere) and it was one of the funniest nights in a long time for me. Mick tring to tell a joke about sperm while Cecil heckled him was definitely one of the highlights ('Are you a sperm?' and 'Why are you talking? This is a joke not a riddle!' were two of the funniest comebacks I've ever heard - maybe I should get out more) and the joke about the black guy flying a plane was the perfect revenge on Mick's part as Cecil just disolved, especially seeing as he's a redneck (his words not mine). I'll try and recreate it for you now. Mick: What do you call a balck man flying a plane? A kind of awkward pause as Cercil looks slightly uncomfortable Cecil: I don't know Mick: A pilot, you f***in racist Cecil head in his hands laughing his socks off Superb. Then there was the recurring theme of 'the shocker'. This had been going on since the day we met them, but it took a turn for the funnier when mick convinced Julie to ask him what the shocker was. He even showed her the hand position. I'll try and describe it. Hand out, palm facing you. Thumb up. Fore and middle finger together. Ring finger folded own. Little finger extended. Now sweep your hand up while making any cave man noise of your choice. I'm not going to tell you what it is cos this is a family show, but if anyone can't guess email me and I'll tell you. Suffice to say that when Julie did it to Charlie he just winked and said 'I'll show you later'. When Wade found out he was absolutely disgusted and refused to do it again, even as a joke. It ain't pretty. Once again I've digressed and this postcard is reaching epic proportions, but there was still more to come. Wade and Cecil bid a teary farewell and the rest of us started playing a drinking game involving being a musical instrument. We were promptly joined by 2 co-owners of the bar and a couple of randoms and were just really getting going when the police arrived and told us they were shutting the bar down and the 2 owners were going to prison. not a problem in my book, just bribe em. We'll even have a whip round. The 2 guys went downstairs to try and do just that (allegedly) and after about 15 minutes when they still hadn't come back, we sytarted to worry. eventually they re-appeared and told us that they were being sent to jail and the longer we stayed, thelonger they'd have to serve (prison, not beer). Now we all reckon this was a load of bulls*** on their part to save face at having to ask us to leave after all their bragging earlier. but either way, we had to do the offski, and stumbled out into the night looking for somewhere other than Saladee (which was closed - it was about 2.30 am by now). There was a hotel nightclub which we passed every day and always seemed to be booming and open. Xaysana. It was open now, so in we all staggered, ordered a bottle of Johnnie Walker and settled down. Only then did we realise it was Karaoke. But it was karaoke with a difference. the live band played whatever you wanted and you just got up and sung. As long as it was Laos or Thai. No chance of any Oasis then. Definitely Maybe....sorry, couldn't resist. After a bit of cajoling (not too much to be fair) Mick was convinced to get up and give us a blast on the guitar. Which he did and it was fantastic. Cigarettes and Alcohol which seemed kind of fitting. To raucous applause he came and sat back down, before somebody brought a guitar over and us and a few of the locals sat round and had a good old fashioned sing along (kind of). Eventually, we were ejected (4 o'clock ish) and headed back to ours for more beers. On the way me and kimbers heard the sound of the drum in the Temple near us being played. These drums are huge and are used as the music part of prayer sessions. We headed off and were promptly joined by Lin and Mick in standing in the Temple grounds just watching thios guy go to work and listening to the sound of the chanting coming from the actual temple itself. With lin leading the way we walked round to see what was going on and it was like a scene from I don't know what. the whole temple was turned out for morning prayers, all chanting, everything lit by candlelight. Unbelievable. After consulting Lin as to its appropriateness, we took our shoes off and walked in to kneel right at the back. We joined in as best we could with the meditation and the head down praying bit and it was one of the singularly most spiritual moments that I personally have ever experienced. It was pure peace. I wouldn't go as far as to call them visions, more kind of deep thoughts being played out in visual form but it was moving in the extreme. By the time I tore myself away it was all prism vision and lumpy throat and looking around me outside we were all the same, Mand and Kimbers actually crying, the boys who had gone in all looking a bit mad and wide eyed. I don't really know what else to say about it, other than that if I was ever going to get religion in a recognised form, then this is it for me. I've already got the hair cut for it. So, feeling all holy and spiritual and on my part a strange kind of cleansed feeling we headed back to ours to drink ourselves to Nirvana. I don't have too many recollections of what followed, but one clear one is of seeing Mick fall back against the wall putting a small crack in it, which obviously meant I had to run into it headfirst. It made some sort of sense at the time, but all it really meant was that I ended up with plaster all over my bed and the worry I was going to get seriously stung by the landlady. At some point (8 o'clockish) we headed across the road to the now open cafe and I turned into Stellastein (even though there was no Stella) and managed to row with Kimbers and upset Mand. I also dropped a glass, smashing it and when Kimbers laughed knocked hers out of her hand smashing that too. i then denied ever having touched either glass. And to be honest I've still only got their words for it. The next day was serious hangover day, broken only by the boys coming in to say goodbye and the need to eat and drink water. Bright as buttons the next day and we're off to see the Laos History Museum, which turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. I was fully expecting something along the lines of the British Museum and to some extent wasn't disappointed. It consists of 16 rooms, the first being dinosaurs, the second the birth of mankind, and so on and so forth right up to the present day. the problem they have is funding. This is Laos after all. The first 3 or 4 rooms are spot on, with examples from the Plain of Jars, explaining ancient burial rites, the start of their culture and such which I found really really interesting, geek that I am. Then it kind of lost it's way for a bit with a couiple of rooms dedicated to tribes people which although mildly interesting is essentially a load of clothes in glass cases. One for the girls methinks. Then, on to the really interesting bits. Wars. These people have been invaded by just about everybody in the last few hundred years, something which I found really surprising. Thailand, France, China, Cambodia, even the US have had a pop (headlines from The New York Times 'Laos: the Forgotten War' - forgotten? I didn't even know it'd happened). This gave rise to the forming of The Laos Communist party which eventually after much struggling, gave birth to the communist Laos People's Democratic Republic (they only opened their borders about 15 years ago on the fall of the USSR). All this is told in glorious detail, with weapons and photos of all the major players and details of what they did and how various nations reneged on deals. Told with language which I loved. The Americans always described as the Imperialist aggressors for instance, and anybody who opposed the Communist regime described as Imperialist puppets. Pure propoganda, but underneath a really strong point to be made. Anyway, all this was slightly spoiled (hence the disappointment) by the fact that due to underfunding or whatever (it only recently re-opened after re-furbishment, thanks to a partnership with Norway - I don't know why either) the English transcript ran out about two thirds of the way round. Somewhere around 1975. It's like reading a really intense book, following heroes and villains from their childhood to their struggle for freedom, only to find out the last 2 chapters are missing. So the last 3 or 4 rooms of the 16 are essentially just a bunch of photos and artefacts with no connecting story. I tried to make one up, and failed miserably even on that. So I left feeling half fulfilled, but still glad I at least now had some sort of understanding of what the country has been through. But, alas, come the evening it was time to leave. The lovely landlady didn't charge me for the wall I'd drunkenly smashed, so in order to ease my conscience I bought her a babygrow for her as yet unborn, and a spiderman t-shirt for her 4 year old. Then it was tuk tuk time for the 45 minute journey out to the other bus station. The journey we were about to undertake was a marathon 22 hours (at least) from Vientiane in Laos, to Hanoi in Vietnam. Most people, including the ever reliable Lonely planet guidebook refer to it as 'The Bus Journey From Hell. Grand! Laters all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx