So due to a crazy non-stop last 2 months, for both good and bad reasons abroad and at home, these regular travel blogs have now turned into a highlights package of the best bits since I last reported on the world tour. It's also going to be one almighty test of my ever worsening memory but I hope these next few entries are of the same entertainment value as before.

So Perth was the next and final stop on the first leg of the tour. On the plane from Melbourne I was sat next to a woman who was so fat the armrest between us couldn't come down properly. And then when the meal came round she said she didn't want any! The air host looked as shocked as me. I was relaying this tale later and got accused of being cruel (or 'fattist' is perhaps the term…even though she definitely was out of the two of us). Somebody said "It could be glandular", my reply was typically sensitive and frank, "Yeah but it could be pies."

Anyway finally got to my old uni mate Billy's apartment about dinnertime, which he shared with an Irish couple Sandra and Shane who were very funny and welcoming, and predictably hit the bottles straight away. Following pre-drinks firstly with Bill's friends Sara and Kate from Birmingham, and then downstairs in an apartment with a group of Irish girls and their friend Rob (little did I know how things would pan out with that crew in the coming days), we headed to Capitol a club in the city.

Given that I had had far too many beers with far too little food my first problem was getting in. Everyone else got in and then I was last and the bouncer said, "Go and get a drink of water". b*****! I rang Bill to let him know and ask his advice, what a mistake. He told me just to queue up from the back again, which I did, only to be told by the bouncer that he knew I hadn't been for a drink of water as there were CCTV cameras. So I went off and bought a bottle of water and thought I would drink it in the queue to prove I'd had one, well I got to the front and the bouncer said, "You can't come in with that, finish it over there." Arrrrrgggghhhh! So 4th time lucky I got in.

Well the place was rocking which was good but unfortunately the rest of the night was a bit of a blur. We stayed until the end but in true Kev-style I went into autopilot which is 'go home when too drunk', which was in the opposite direction to the others who were going to carry on. Got back to the apartment block and it drunkenly dawned that I had no keys to get into the apartment, or even the bloody fob to get into reception! And so, for some reason, I decided to slump by the entrance and sit on the floor until they returned…next thing I know I'm in Bill's double bed laid next to him half naked with other's also in the room…the night only got more surreal from there.

Anyway the next morning woke up across town only to get my camera out whilst having a coffee to find it was broken again! This time terminally as someone (quite possibly me) last night had dropped it on the lens and bent it. b******s! As we were going to the test match cricket between the Aussies and the West Indies that day I needed a camera and so I decided that I had to find a shop to get it repaired asap. It seemed to take an age to get to the city centre in the most sweltering heat of the trip so far. I was stinking and still in last night's clothes but I did manage to find a camera shop. When it finally opened I got chatting to an over-knowledgeable old shop assistant (not something I usually complain about, in fact usually quite the opposite). All I wanted to do was buy a cheap replacement and get the hell out of there!

Finally, new (not cheap) camera in hand, I got back to the apartment. Still feeling like I'd had an autopsy from the night before Bill suggested cracking open a beer as a hair of the dog. As I wandered through to the lounge some random Irish guy called Jarrod was laid on the sofa. Apparently he had some vague connection to Shane but what was for sure that he was stereotypically still pissed and spoke in one of the most incoherent Irish accents I'd ever heard…and that's saying something. I decided that the only way to kick-start myself for the cricket was to have a dip in the cold pool on-site. On getting down there the Irish girls were already sunning themselves. We had only met briefly the night before and so I introduced myself again, at which point they said, "Are you the guy who was passed out in front of the apartments last night?" Oh good, first impressions and all that. Luckily they found it all rather amusing. Anyway I got chatting away to them and we got on royally and they invited me to come round for pre-drinks after the cricket, which me, Bill, Jarrod and Sara went down too.

We got to the ground just before the lunch break and with being in an uncovered stand and the temperature being over 40 degrees the smell of sweating, roasting flesh was palpable. Nonetheless in true test match style the drinking began in earnest. Rob also joined us and we got to know each other well over the course of the day, and we particularly enjoyed the resistance of the Windies middle order when staring defeat in the face, which made for fascinating watching. As predicted the Aussie fans were raucous and obnoxious, particularly with cries of "Come on Dougie!/ Watto!", both of whom we took a dislike to. How I jumped up and cheered every time the Windies hit a boundary (and I may have mentioned the Ashes a couple of times.)

Billy had retired early to get ready for his works Xmas do, as had Sara due to being knackered but she had the key to the apartment, so my plan was simply wake her up and get ready before pre-drinking with the fun Irish girls. Well things didn't quite work out that way, with Sara seemingly being in a coma that neither Bill by ringing, or I even by banging so hard on the door that I nearly broke it in half couldn't wake her up. I was due to be meeting Knoxy, who had been part of the infamous Milford Sound trip, in around 3 hours…surely she would wake before then !?

I tramped downstairs underdressed and un-showered to the Irish girls apartment where they looked after, fed and watered me, what stars! During the next couple of hours I had another couple of futile attempts to wake Sara, if I couldn't get changed I couldn't go out! Having virtually admitted defeat at around 11:30pm she finally responded to a call and opened the door. So it was off to the party district of Northbridge to meet Knoxy and Billy at the Shed. After which we went to Black Betty's club and finally left at around 5am. Predictably we went to a kebab shop and whilst sat outside on the table next to us there was a Aboriginal bloke muttering away to himself. He eventually started asking me about one of Billy's work friends Tania who I had been talking to, not that I could understand a word as all he was coming out with was a strange incoherent-babbling-grunt. Well me and Bill were in hysterics and duly imitated and took the piss out of him. Bill said he knew of another bar which would still be open on the walk home and off we went. As we walked down the street we both saw something that had to be seen to be believed (in fact we had to walk past twice but were too stunned to take any photographic evidence)…a midget fighting a one-legged guy on crutches, amazing!